I wish I could tell you that there will be a  baby. And he will be adorable and funny and the best ‘buddy’ ever. He will be your special child and face some obstacles but he will overcome them, one after another. What’s more, there will be another baby. A little girl who surprises you and completes the healing of your broken heart.

But more than that, I wish I could tell you what I’ve learned since those dark days. Spend more time with that little boy you have. Don’t let the depression take you away from him. He is there and he needs you. Oh, you’re doing a fine job — he grows up great (and with a smart mouth, but he probably got that from his daddy) and isn’t scarred by these years, but I think it would help to heal your heart a little. And spend time with that fabulous husband while you can enjoy each other’s company without (what sometimes seems like) a million children underfoot. Have more date nights. Go midnight swimming as often as you can. Take naps on rainy afternoons. Watch movies together. You have no idea what’s ahead!

But most important, I want you to know that God will always provide what you need if you will just trust Him. He is always there and He is always waiting for you. Stop rolling your eyes at me! I said I’m older and wiser, didn’t I? You need to trust me on this! I’ve learned a lot since I was you. I’ve been through a lot. And I say with complete confidence that you’re missing out. Oh, I know you’ll figure it out eventually…I just hate to see you waste time feeling so horrible.

These dark days won’t last forever. You will be happy again. And so much has happened…you’d never believe it if I told you so I won’t even try. You’ll just have to be surprised. But believe me when I tell you that your journey through this hell is worth it. Not just because there’s a baby on the other end, but because you learn so much throughout this process and it shapes who you will become. Smile more, obsess less, and live your life. It will change all too soon!

With much love,

Your 2011 Self

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Me: If I keep up this momentum, you’ll have a hot wife.

Husband: I already do.

Me: Who is she? And why doesn’t she clean up this damn house?

7 year old son: He means YOU, mommy!

Me: Your daddy obviously needs glasses.

7yo: Mommy, anyone can tell you’re hot.  You’re all sweaty.

I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.  But I’m thinking a sister wife would be a great thing to have…she could clean the house, help with the kids, cook…but she would have to weigh about 400 pounds, smell like garlic, and have poor oral hygiene.  Because while I’m eager to share the work, I’m not so eager to share my husband’s affections.

I’m thinking this plan needs some more work…

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What would I want, though?  That’s easy.

• Bare Escentuals Mineral Veil.  At $19, it’s expensive but it’s the only type of make-up I can use without truly horrendous break-outs.
• Shampoo.  Garnier Fructis Body Boost is my favorite brand and I’ve run out of the ones I got with coupons so I’ve been using other brands.  I don’t know whether it’s the shampoo or just my perception, but my hair sucks lately and I miss my good shampoo.
• Lip gloss.  No idea what brand or color, but a new, fun, pretty lip gloss for fall.
• If there’s any $$$ left over, I’d head straight to the candy aisle for some good chocolate.  I’ve been craving it and hate to spend my money on something that is a) unncessary and b) will make me fat.  Seems silly, right?  So I suffer in (mostly) silence and deal with my chocolate cravings by having some water or an apple.  But I do miss my chocolate!

Simple things.  Small things.  Things that I didn’t think twice about getting myself in the era I now call ‘before’ in my head.

It’s funny, though.  When I look back at ‘before’ I think about how unhappy I was.  Going way back, I was unhappy because I wasn’t married.  Then because I thought I couldn’t have kids.  Then because I couldn’t get pregnant again.  Then because I got pregnant when I wasn’t sure I wanted to be.  Some of these things I was more unhappy about than others, obviously.  (I got over that unexpected pregnancy pretty quickly once it sunk in and I was thrilled, as you might recall.)  Needless to say, that’s a lot of unhappiness.  And in examining myself, poking and prodding the recesses of my brain to figure out how I feel I realize that I’m not unhappy now.  I’m no longer depressed, a problem that was very real for me for many years.  I’m happy now.  That may surprise some people.  I know I can be kind of dark, but I’m truly happy.  Stressed, yes.  Anxious, oh yeah.  Unhappy?  No.  Absolutely not.

There are a lot of things I don’t have.  But the things I do have?  My husband, my kids, my friends, and love…they are all I need to make me happy.  I may not have lip gloss and chocolate, but I’ve got the important things.  I’m endlessly thankful for that.

Though I wouldn’t turn down a $40 Target gift card!

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I have an excuse.  A dumb excuse, but an excuse nonetheless.  I took 2 Unisom at 3:30 this morning when sleep looked impossible and I was frustrated and not thinking clearly.  Not only is that a much higher dose than I usually take (I prefer to start with a half pill, then take another half an hour later if I’m still not sleepy.) but I never should have taken that much at that late hour.  Needless to say, I slept.  And slept.  And slept some more.  It was nearly 1 o’clock this afternoon when I dragged myself out of bed.  Thank goodness my husband had planned to work from home!

And not only did I sleep late, but I had a Unisom hangover.  I never did get fully woken up.  I fell asleep on the couch around 5pm and only got up at 6:30pm because it was dinner time.  And now — at 10pm — I am wide awake.  I have a million things to do tomorrow (plus I need to do what I didn’t get done today) and can’t have a repeat.  I think I’ll just go take half of a Unisom and see how that works…

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• Because friends and strangers have shown me that the good far outweighs the bad in this world.
• Because I had the highest average in my class for the summer course.
• Because my husband got a call telling him that they needed him to pick up another class in the fall, which will increase our income.
• Because he also showed houses today, has another showing appointment tomorrow, and a listing appointment.
• Because Violet took a nap without being held or nursed to fall asleep.
• Because I found a jar of mandarin oranges I didn’t know I had so the kids got some fruit with their lunch.
• Because when my husband called to ask me to take something out for dinner, I was able to tell him it was already in the crockpot.
• Because I discovered that the Old Spice Guy is on Twitter.
• Because my babies wouldn’t go to sleep until I came in and kissed them good night.
• Because my husband and I have hilarious text message conversations that make me laugh out loud.
• Because I am in love.
• Because I am loved.

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