It’s no secret that I have some minor mental health issues. They are well under control these days. I’m able to do so much more than I was last fall when I reached my breaking point that made me realize I really needed to seek some help. The low dose of Paxil I’m taking has led to many changes in my life and I’m so grateful for it as well as for friends and my faith…they have all helped me get to a really healthy place, mentally.

There’s still (always!) the money stresses. My husband doesn’t teach at the community college in the summer so the bulk of our income is gone until the end of September. We’ll make it through, but I’m worried about how I’ll pay for books and tuition. I managed to keep my cumulative 4.0 GPA intact, though it was a close one this semester. I’m hoping that this and a glowing recommendation from one of my teachers leads to a scholarship so that I don’t have to worry about that. Because without it, nursing school is probably not going to happen. At least not now, because I have this other huge project going on and I’m starting to wonder if it might be God’s plan for me instead…

To start out, I need to say that something happened to me about 15 years ago. I don’t want to go into any more detail, but it has left me with a lot of guilt, unhappiness, and helpless feelings. I’m working through it and I realized only recently that I’ve already been forgiven by God and that He wouldn’t want me to continue feeling so awful about it. As we all know, though, changing how you feel about something is easier said than done. More on this in a minute…

So, the aforementioned project got started the night of April 16 when an EF3 tornado ripped through my small town. My family was safe and our home was undamaged, but we realized that it could have been us. There were so many what ifs…my middle child goes to preschool about 100 yards from where it destroyed a bunch of apartments and a park he’d been playing in 2 days before. My husband and that same child were in a store approximately 24 hours before the tornado destroyed it. In fact, you probably saw footage of that very store on the national news or The Weather Channel that night, assuming you don’t live here. If you do, well, you know the one I’m talking about. I felt incredibly blessed and my husband and I really felt like we needed to DO SOMETHING. He started a Facebook page about 6 hours after the tornado hit because it’s something we both were able to manage. The little Facebook page mushroomed into something completely unexpected and the upshot is that I’m now running a donation and distribution point for the victims of the tornado and we’re even branching out to help people in other situations now…women who’ve experienced domestic and/or sexual violence, the homeless, and even people like us who are dealing with unemployment and just need a few cans of food and some toilet paper to get them through the week occasionally.

Needless to say, it is completely unpaid. Because we haven’t had the time (nor the funds) to set up a 501(c)3 we don’t accept monetary donations. And it takes up a lot of my time. I have several great volunteers, but the only thing the person who donated the site to us requested is that either my husband or I be there whenever the site is open. Since my husband is out busting his tail trying to make a little extra cash in any way he can, the duties of the “store” usually fall to me. We’re open 26 hours a week and I often stay until the wee hours doing work with other volunteers who are nightowls so that we can keep the store neat, well-stocked, and organized. Don’t get me wrong — I love doing it, but it is exhausting. I work at least 40 hours a week, juggle the kids’ schedules, and for a while I was even trying to finish up the semester! Needless to say, there is much going on.

And one day last week, someone told me that we were amazing for setting all of this up and I thanked them for saying that but I’m thinking no…I just have a lot to atone for and I hope that this one thing I’m doing helps in some small way to make up for the awful thing(s) I’ve done. (See, told you I’d come back to this!) Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!?!? Wait a second…we are saved by Grace, not by works. So while I get myself involved in these sorts of things because deep down I feel like I have to, my head knows that ultimately it.doesn’t.matter. BUT this whole thing has been so natural for me and I’ve met so many wonderful people that I wonder if there wasn’t a separate message in this whole situation. What this message is, I don’t know yet. Is God telling me that He wants me to keep doing this and forget about nursing school? Or is He using me to meet the needs of people I had never met before…both those affected by the tornado and those who have come to volunteer? Or is there some other lesson entirely?

For now, I’m waiting to see if the path becomes clear. If the scholarship happens, I know then that nursing is what God means for me to do. But if it doesn’t? Well, there will be a lot of praying asking God where He’s leading me. Because ultimately, my whole life is about showing the love of God and Jesus Christ to people when they need it most. Whether that’s by helping to take care of someone through illness or other medical situation or by helping “the least of these” who are often ignored by this supposedly ‘Christian’ nation, I’m not sure yet. I do know that I feel mentally better than I have in years and that undoubtedly has to do with these recent events. I have a lot to think about and I’m glad that mental clarity can help me make the tough decisions.

I could really use some insight into all of this, so if you’ve had any Deep Thoughts while reading along, please share them by leaving a comment! Even if it’s not religious in nature, it will absolutely be helpful. And I promise to come back here as often as possible (Especially since my Facebook wall is now locked down to a lot of people who I don’t see on a regular basis!)

Share/Bookmark

What would I want, though?  That’s easy.

• Bare Escentuals Mineral Veil.  At $19, it’s expensive but it’s the only type of make-up I can use without truly horrendous break-outs.
• Shampoo.  Garnier Fructis Body Boost is my favorite brand and I’ve run out of the ones I got with coupons so I’ve been using other brands.  I don’t know whether it’s the shampoo or just my perception, but my hair sucks lately and I miss my good shampoo.
• Lip gloss.  No idea what brand or color, but a new, fun, pretty lip gloss for fall.
• If there’s any $$$ left over, I’d head straight to the candy aisle for some good chocolate.  I’ve been craving it and hate to spend my money on something that is a) unncessary and b) will make me fat.  Seems silly, right?  So I suffer in (mostly) silence and deal with my chocolate cravings by having some water or an apple.  But I do miss my chocolate!

Simple things.  Small things.  Things that I didn’t think twice about getting myself in the era I now call ‘before’ in my head.

It’s funny, though.  When I look back at ‘before’ I think about how unhappy I was.  Going way back, I was unhappy because I wasn’t married.  Then because I thought I couldn’t have kids.  Then because I couldn’t get pregnant again.  Then because I got pregnant when I wasn’t sure I wanted to be.  Some of these things I was more unhappy about than others, obviously.  (I got over that unexpected pregnancy pretty quickly once it sunk in and I was thrilled, as you might recall.)  Needless to say, that’s a lot of unhappiness.  And in examining myself, poking and prodding the recesses of my brain to figure out how I feel I realize that I’m not unhappy now.  I’m no longer depressed, a problem that was very real for me for many years.  I’m happy now.  That may surprise some people.  I know I can be kind of dark, but I’m truly happy.  Stressed, yes.  Anxious, oh yeah.  Unhappy?  No.  Absolutely not.

There are a lot of things I don’t have.  But the things I do have?  My husband, my kids, my friends, and love…they are all I need to make me happy.  I may not have lip gloss and chocolate, but I’ve got the important things.  I’m endlessly thankful for that.

Though I wouldn’t turn down a $40 Target gift card!

Share/Bookmark

Then there’s my computer…it is, I believe, dead.  I manage to grab my husband’s a few times a day, but not for long and I never manage to get the things done that I intend to do.  I can boot my computer and open a program.  I can even use it for a few minutes, but then it locks up or sends me to the blue screen of death.  I have decided that upgrading the RAM is my last resort and that costs money we don’t have.  My printer isn’t working anymore, either.  I think it needs ink, but can’t afford that either.  (And if you’ve sent me an email and I didn’t reply, I missed it.  There are 73 new emails in my box and I hate trying to wade through them on my phone.  Send me a text if it’s important…)

And the money thing is always there…can I afford to buy shampoo this week?  What about toilet paper?  Oh, and don’t forget that there is a shut-off notice for the electricity sitting on your desk.  Better get that paid.  The good news is that I finally convinced my husband that we can no longer afford the satellite bill.  We had run out of all of our “special offers” and the price jumped way back up and they wouldn’t go back down.  So we shut it off.  I’m having some minor withdrawal, but am glad to have one less monthly expense.

And the beginning of the semester is always a little fog-inducing.  Moreso with the drama over the class and pre-requisites.  I’m overwhelmed at how far behind I already feel.  I need to type up my notes and study for lab quizzes and do homework assignments, all of which are impossible to do when the kids are up, and I’m too mentally exhausted to do once they’re down.

Speaking of kids, I feel like I have 500, not 3.  One in school already, one about to start.  They need to be on opposite sides of town, with drop off and pick up at the same time.  How will we manage this on the weeks that we can only afford to put gas in 1 car?  The logistics alone make me want to cry, especially since pick-up needs to happen while I’m supposed to be in class on Mondays and Wednesdays!  I have no idea how we’re going to make this work, but I guess we will somehow.  And once I’m home alone with just one child, how is that going to affect my day?  Will I have less time to spend on other stuff, or more?  One less child to deal with, but the one that’s left is all alone.  Anxious to see how that will work!  (Really, if anyone has experienced this, fill me in…is having only 1 more work than having 2?)

I want, no I need, to run but can’t fit it in.  It’s too hot at the time of day that I can manage it and I’m too tired to do it when it’s cool enough.  I suspect this would do wonders for my overall state of mind and I hope the weather cools down soon so I can do it.

Crap, my computer time is up.  I swear, number one on my list of things to do is buy some RAM.  And pray that fixes the problem…

Share/Bookmark

We moved to Sanford.  This tiny town that didn’t even have a Target.  Or any of the good chain restaurants.  Hell, there wasn’t even a Super Walmart here at the time!  It was, to say the least, culture shock for this spoiled, high-maintenance city girl.  We rented a house in Sanford because I just didn’t feel up to house-hunting and because we were seriously considering buying in Apex when the time came.  I was pretty sure small town life would be miserable, but I was determined to give it a try.  It might never compare to Florence (the city we’d just left) or Knoxville (my hometown) but it was going to be our home for at least a year, like it or not.

So we settled in and made a life.  Had a baby three months after we moved here, knowing absolutely nobody in town who could help out when we needed it.  We tried to get involved…put my oldest in a preschool, thinking I’d meet people that way.  It was a no-go.  He was never invited to anyone’s house for a playdate or to a birthday party or to anything at all.  Not because he wasn’t liked.  Every mom I met told me how much their child loved my son, but that didn’t translate into friends, apparently.  He’d come home and tell me that so-and-so was having a party and how much he wanted to go but never got an invitation.  It was heartbreaking, for both of us. I felt like everyone had been here their entire lives and had no room in their hearts for me or my kids.  But for some reason, we decided to buy a house in Sanford.  Something told me to stay here, to keep trying.

I started blogging, not to find friends but to have an outlet.  And I started meeting people…virtually, but they were local and I felt like doors began to open to me.  Then I found myself pregnant unexpectedly.  I was surprised, but happy.  Finding joy in the unpredictability of life.  But just as I began to adjust to the idea of having another baby, the floor dropped out.  My husband lost his job and I thought we were going to have to leave a town that I’d started to love.  Again.  The despair I felt was unimaginable.

One day not long after that, I picked up the newspaper and read a story about this church who’d done a super awesome amazing thing…they’d provided a school uniform to every single child at a local public school. WOW. I always considered myself a Christian, but I’d quit going to church and was pretty pissed off at God for a lot of things.  I also despised the religious right, the holier than thou attitudes at most churches, the behavior that was most definitely not Christ-like.  But something told me that this church knew what it meant to follow Christ.  And so we went.  On August 31, 2008 we stepped into Brickcity Community Church and found what we were looking for in a church.  And we started to make friends, slowly but surely.  Baby Violet arrived.  I still didn’t know a lot of people who I could call on anytime, but by the time she was 4 months old I felt like I had a whole host of friends who would do anything for me, any time of the night or day.

And a year later, I couldn’t be happier.  I continue to meet people, through church and in the community.  I’ve helped start this little thing called SocialSanford so others can know all of the cool stuff going on in this small town that offers so much.  I am secure in my faith.  I am loved, by so many people that I am overwhelmed at times and wonder what I did to deserve it.

Today was the 4th birthday of that little boy who was still incubating when we moved here.  There was a party…a “Connect” as our church calls them.  The team I serve on got together to do life for a little while and I invited some other friends since it was also a birthday celebration for my son.  We played in the fountain at Depot Park, ate pizza and cupcakes, and enjoyed each other.  It was the perfect way to spend the day.

This picture says it all.  It’s such an iconic view of Sanford, and it’s filled with people we care about.  It’s not much to look at this small, but if you click on it, you can get the full effect.  We’ve come such a long way in the last four years, and this picture will always remind me of just how beautiful life can be.

Share/Bookmark

If it happens again, I’ll be prepared.  And strong.  And I know that it will be OK.  It’s a lesson that I’ve been taught over and over again…when the bad thing you’ve been dreading happens, it simply brings with it a sense of relief most of the time.  A reminder of what really matters in life, a peace that can only come when you decide to take control, move on, and trust that better things are coming.

It happened.  And hopefully the worst part is over now that the dread is gone.  I’m not ready to talk about it yet (and I may not ever be ready to talk about it publicly) so you won’t be getting details.  It is probably not the terrible things you are probably imagining right now.  And honestly, the details don’t matter.  What does matter is that I’m at peace, no longer living in fear of this Terrible Thing that’s really not so terrible.  It is what it is and now I know what it is.  As they say, knowing is half the battle!

Share/Bookmark