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Tuesday, December 1st, 2009

Vampires are super cool! (Get it? Hahaha!)

Last night, Violet bit me at some point and I dreamed that she was a vampire with super awesome special abilities.  I just finished re-reading Breaking Dawn, so vampire babies were in my head along with supernatural talents and that little chomp triggered something!  (I guess her top front teeth are finally coming in and it feels good to bite on things.  Not so good for me, though.)

I’ve mentioned before my shameful love of the Twilight series.  I know it’s juvenile and teen-angsty and Bella is annoying and it’s all so dumb.  But Stephenie Meyer tells a good story.  (Not to be confused with being a good writer!)  I went to see New Moon the day it came out.  Not at midnight (because I am old and couldn’t stay awake) but that evening.  It was amazing.  Much better than Twilight, which surprised me.  I didn’t like New Moon when I read it…I was too busy wondering where Edward was and whether he would ever come back.  But the movie was phenomenal!  I especially liked it when that guy who plays Jacob took off his shirt.  Please don’t remind me that he’s only 17…I find it disturbing that he is a) jail bait, b) half my age, and c) I’m old enough to be his mother, if I’d had a baby in high school.  I try to think how I’d feel if women my age or older were gasping in delight every time one of my sons took off his shirt (assuming they were 17) and I feel a little sick.  Of course, that didn’t stop me from doing it!

I have been thinking a lot about the Team Edward vs. Team Jacob stuff.  I’ve always been Team Edward for Bella.  I don’t want to spoil the whole series for you, but if you know how everything ends up it works out OK.  But if I was in that situation, it would be Jacob for me.  I like warm bodies.  Safety and security.  The one who’s always there when I need them.  Plus the way that boy looks without a shirt…well, if we’re talking about me, I’m Team Jacob all the way.

Posted in Me Stuff, Rambling | 2 Comments »

Thursday, October 22nd, 2009

Bah.

I have a finance exam due in about 2 hours.  I’m almost done, but I came to the computer to check out some notes the professor put online and got (as always) sidetracked by the facebook and the twitter and the email and the million time wasters that distract me daily.  I also have the tiniest bit of a hangover (I swear, it was only 1 margarita, but being pregnant and/or nursing for 4 years straight now and not drinking at all for most of that has done terrible things to my tolerance) and my husband, who was supposed to have the morning free to help me with the kids, is now showing houses (not complaining, because we need income more than I need to make a perfect score on this exam) which means I have to deal with them as well and OMG Violet is putting a Hot Wheels in her mouth and Colin just hit her and now they’re both screaming because I took the car away from her and put him in time out and how the heck am I going to pass this exam?

And why, in God’s name, am I blogging about all of this instead of just taking the stupid test?  I am my own worst enemy.

Posted in Back to School, Parenting, Rambling | 2 Comments »

Wednesday, October 21st, 2009

Birthday Thoughts

Last year was one of the best years of my life.  There was so much to celebrate!  The birth of my 3rd (and final) child…a daughter to complete our family.  Going back to school and realizing that I CAN do this.  Surviving unemployment for another 12 months.  My husband beginning a new career, which he enjoys even if it hasn’t brought any income yet.  (Soon, though!)  Watching my boys continue to grow and thrive, proving that I AM doing a good job.  Making so many new friends who have been amazing positive influences on my life.  They may not know it, but their love and support means so much to me.  It’s been a long time since I had girlfriends to hang out with…we’ve moved so much and I never allowed myself to get settled anywhere.  That alone is reason to celebrate!

And I’m celebrating because my day was mind-numbingly boring.  Dirty diapers, hungry kids, homework drama…it was just like every other day.  But this is the life I always wanted.  I’m grateful for the monotony born of family life, because it was what I dreamed about when I was a little girl.  The chance to be a mom, to stay home with them, and to be the wife of a man who is my best friend and loves me despite all of my flaws.  So many people I know chose a very different path and don’t quite get my life.  That’s OK…I am happy and doing exactly what I always wanted to do.  Dirty diapers, hungry kids, homework drama and all!

Posted in Me Stuff, Rambling | 1 Comment »

Tuesday, October 6th, 2009

The things people say…

As soon as you leave your home with children, it opens you up to all kinds of comments.  (And of course, there’s comments if you don’t have children, too.  Those are way worse!)  You get all kinds of advice…how to dress them, how to discipline them, how to feed them.  I’ve had people tell me that I should be breastfeeding when I’ve been giving a bottle, people who told me I should give a bottle when I was (very discreetly) breastfeeding, people telling me that I should spank my child who is acting like a normal 2 year old, and people tell me that I’m being too tough on my kids when I remove a privilege for misbehavior, people who told me my baby needed a hat when it was 60 degrees out and people who told me fleece was too much when it was below freezing outside, people who told me I should get a babysitter to go grocery shopping (like the groceries aren’t expensive enough) and people who criticized me when I was happy to be able to grocery shop without my smallest “helpers.”  Seriously, I am not making any of these up.  It’s as if people lose their filter completely when they see a person with a child.  And then there’s the comments about the number of children I have.

When I had just one child, especially when he got past the infant stage, I got all kinds of comments from strangers about how I needed to have another one so he wouldn’t be an only child.  This was really painful for me because we were trying.  Shooting up hormones every day in an effort to get pregnant and insensitive comments about adding to your family don’t mix.  I said some very nasty things to people I didn’t even know…but really, who was the rude one in that equation?

Then when I had 2 boys I constantly had people saying things like “Too bad he wasn’t a girl.” or “Guess you’ll need to have another one so you get that girl this time.”  As if I wasn’t thrilled to pieces that I had another baby simply because he had a penis.  Considering all I went through to get pregnant and then all the drama involved with that pregnancy, I was just glad I had a healthy baby.  Genitals simply didn’t matter to me.

And then I got pregnant with #3.  Something of a surprise but certainly an incredible blessing.  And I allowed myself to hope for a little girl.  OK, I admit it.  With my first, I didn’t care.  I figured we had more chances.  With my 2nd I was just happy to be having a baby, any baby.  With my 3rd (and last) I wanted a girl.  I wouldn’t have been devastated if it had been a boy.  I might have allowed myself a momentary disappointment and then accepted that God’s plan was for me to be a mom of boys.  But we all know what happened…it was a girl this time, and there was much rejoicing.  Because no matter what, the plan was for this baby to be our last.  Boy or girl, that didn’t change things.

Yet people assume I’m done because “you finally got your girl.”  But there’s also the people who tell me “you need 1 more girl to balance it out.”  Really?  Because we all know you can just snap your fingers and pick the sex, right?  Yes, I’ll certainly get right on that!

But my favorite comments are the ones that make it seem like I’m single-handedly repopulating the world.  Like the guy who told me I had a whole “herd” of kids at Lowe’s the other day.  Really?  A herd?  Like animals?  Or the woman at Walmart who thought she’d tell my friend (who also has 3 children) and I just how awful it was to have kids.  In front of our children.  The people who tell me I have my hands full.  The people who I have never met in my life who ask me if I’m having more.  Oh, yes please!  I’d love to discuss my reproductive choices with you, complete stranger!  It is mind-boggling the insensitivity and rudeness we encounter every time we take our children out.  These 3 children, who I think are the most incredible things that ever happened to me, open me up to more scrutiny and criticism than I ever would have thought possible.  I think I need a T-shirt…Mom's-T-Shirt

I think there’s a market for these…what do you think?

Posted in Me Stuff, Parenting, Rambling | 2 Comments »

Friday, August 28th, 2009

Life Changes

Yesterday was a down day…we had an unexpected expense and we’re left $50 short for a bill payment.  We’ll have it next week, but the stress of realizing you don’t have the money to pay a bill the day it’s due is not something I like to deal with regularly.  And it’s something that I’ve had to deal with over and over and over since my husband was laid off a little over a year ago.  Before that, I spent money without thinking about it.  Cute outfit for one of the kids?  Sure, I’ll take one!  Long day, don’t feel like cooking?  Let’s go out to eat!  Book I want to read?  Just buy it!

These days, I am grateful to the various people who have given us their hand-me-downs for the kids to wear.  We don’t go out to eat (except maybe on Sundays after church, and only then if we have a coupon) at all.  And a new book is probably one of the most frivolous expenses I could imagine right now.  Since our library rarely has the books I want to read, I’ve been doing a lot of re-reading of old favorites.  It’s not necessarily a bad thing.  I am learning a lot about how to save money and that is something that will serve me well when we’re back on our feet.  But I’ll just say it…it SUCKS sometimes.  Going from being very comfortable and solidly middle-class to scrounging in the bottom of my purse for change to buy something we need is not at all fun.  It’s humiliating and downright painful at times.

But I’ve also gained a lot since this all happened.  I was looking at my blog stats this morning, and saw this post listed as being viewed yesterday because someone was searching for Susan Harling.  The title didn’t look familiar, so I clicked on the link and read it.  And it made me cry, because the thing that I was lamenting a lack of (good girlfriends) in that post is something I now have in spades.  This was also a few days before I found out I was pregnant with Violet, and a little more than a month before my husband was laid off.  And suddenly everything was put into perspective for me again.

Yes, we have lost much since June 16, 2008.  But we’ve gained so much more.  I have said over and over again that I’ll be OK, even if we lose the house, even if we have to file bankruptcy, even if we get sued for that bill we can’t pay.  Why?  Because my people…my husband, my kids, my friends…they will all be there on the other side of it.  I will never understand why people kill themselves and their entire families over money.  Really?  Do you not see just how insignificant money is in the grand scheme of things?  No matter what, we’ll come out the other side of this because there are people who love us.  And that, in the end, is all that matters.

Posted in Family, Me Stuff, Money/Finances, Rambling | 2 Comments »

Monday, August 24th, 2009

Cue the new semester freak-out.

Today is the day I can log in to Blackboard and start my fall classes.  On tap this semester is a math class and a computer class.  I’m no math whiz, but I have always been able to get through with an A or B. (Except pre-calc…I got a low C and was just thrilled I didn’t fail completely.  Still don’t understand the concepts.)  And computers…well, clearly I’m comfortable with those.

And yet, when I logged in this morning and read the syllabi (syllabuses?) I started having a panic attack.  And just in case this doesn’t sound familiar to you, I assure you it happened last semester, too.  When I read about writing papers! and taking tests! I had the OMG, why did I think I could do this??? panic attack and almost withdrew right then and there.

We all know how that one turned out, though.  If you don’t, you can go back to this post and see.  Yeah, there was no reason to worry.  But the Fear and Self-Doubt are back and compounded by the “I budgeted money for books but then had to pay to get the car fixed and thought I could do without them but looks like I can’t” problem.  I need to come up with about $200 (and yes, I checked other sources to see if I could get them cheaper…not by much, and then I have to pay shipping) or pray that someone on FreeCycle has some they can offer me.  God has provided before and I believe He will again, but the worry of that and everything else has had my heart pounding and my stomach rolling all morning long.

When I called my husband and proceeded to tell him that there was a final exam that I have to take on campus WITHOUT the book and that I hadn’t done math in over 10 years and there was NO WAY I could pass this class, he (I assume, because I know him so well!) rolled his eyes and said “Don’t you have an entire semester to learn how to do this stuff before the final?”  Um, yeah…I guess I do.

Let the learning commence.  It’s a new semester!

Posted in Back to School, Me Stuff, Money/Finances, Rambling, Sites to See | No Comments »

Friday, July 10th, 2009

Blah.

Today’s mail bore bad news.  I knew that tuition went up, but getting that bill for $302 hurt.  A lot!  I am going to have to go on a monthly payment plan this semester, something I didn’t want to do.  Because my biggest fear is that there will be a month where we can’t make the payment…and then what?  It’s a level of stress I could have done without.

And then I start looking at my junk mail.  Because I like to torture myself with advertisements for things I desperately want but cannot buy.  Like the Dell laptops that are super-duper cheap.  They have a netbook for $399.  even better, an Inspiron 15 for $479.  And they come in pink.  PINK!  I totally need a pink laptop.  At this point I’d settle for the itty bitty netbook, because it is SO hard for me to do school work at this computer.  The children are constantly running in and out of the room because there’s no way to block it off and the chaos makes it impossible for me to concentrate.  And by the time they go to bed, I’m so fried that I don’t feel like I can do what I need to do.  Right now it is not a huge problem (obviously, since I’m rocking my psych class) but when I start algebra in the fall, then bio and chem at the same time in the spring, it is NOT going to work.

I really try not to complain here…considering our situation, it is a miracle that we are still surviving, much less able to afford tuition!  Sometimes it really gets me down and I just want to pull the big drama queen move and quit because I can’t have it easy.  Ridiculous and immature, but it really reminds me just how hard it is to better yourself if you haven’t been given a lot of opportunities.  I don’t qualify for financial aid despite the fact that we are below the poverty line right now.  I don’t have money to pay for a babysitter so I can go to class, nor do I have family locally who can help with the kids.  Most people in my situation wouldn’t have the money for a computer to do distance education, so if they didn’t already have one they’d be unable to do that.  It is so easy to sit back and talk about how easy people have it here in the US, how much opportunity there is out there for everyone.  The truth is it’s NOT that easy.  I know I won’t be quite so quick to judge people in the future.  The last 12+ months have taught me a lesson in humility that I won’t soon forget!

Posted in Back to School, Me Stuff, Rambling | 3 Comments »

Thursday, December 4th, 2008

Burp cloths…really?

I have finally sorted through all of the old baby stuff and narrowed down the list of “needs” and “wants” so that I can get a realistic picture of what we have to have.  Clothes were easy…some of the boy stuff can be worn by a girl and we’ve picked things up here and there ourselves.  We’ve held onto most of the big equipment or already purchased it when we found a good deal on something, like the car seat.  The only big thing I don’t have is a swing…and since I lived without one last time I figure I can do so again.  I have a couple of blankets ready to go.  Bedding and nursery decor are things that won’t be changing from the last baby, so we’re all set there.  We have toys left over from the previous kids, so no worries there.  One concern is bottles and other feeding accessories like a My Brest Friend nursing pillow.  I tossed all of my bottles about a week before I found out I was pregnant due to BPA concerns, so they have to be replaced.  But I do plan to breastfeed so even that is not a critical worry.  I can get them when (or if) I need them.  And I can always substitute a bed or couch pillow for the nursing pillow if necessary.

But I do not have a single burp cloth.  Seriously.  I don’t know what happened to them!  I’m sure I gave them away in one of my random organizing fits but every last one of them is gone.  It seems so strange to say that one of the things I really need is burp cloths.  Luckily these are not expensive so I can snag some next time I hit Walmart or Target.  But I am just baffled by the absurdity of it.  I’ve had 2 children, spent the first 6+ months of each of their lives with a burp cloth permanently affixed to one or both of my shoulders, and yet I have NONE.  Neither of them were major spitters, but we did use burp cloths every time we fed them because they always had a little something come back up.  So realizing I somehow got rid of all of them was a shock.  It seems like such a silly thing to say burp cloths when someone asks what we really need.  But there it is…the #1 thing on my “need” list right now is burp cloths.

With less than 7 weeks to go, this is what I’m obsessing about right now.  Because if I focus on the fact that I will be having major surgery and will be a mom to 3 in less than 50 days I may just go insane.

Posted in Pregnancy, Rambling | 2 Comments »

Sunday, November 30th, 2008

Chivalry IS dead.

We had a nice holiday at home with our families (a trip that almost didn’t happen because I woke up sick Monday) but I am so glad to be home tonight…and to have a legitimate excuse to avoid traveling for the rest of the holidays.  Though some people acted like I shot their dog when we tried to explain that I was going to be WAY too pregnant to travel home in December, a fact that I thought was pretty obvious by the fact that I’m *having a baby* less than a month after Christmas.  This is NOT new information, people!  But I digress…

Back to the intended topic…chivalry.  Which is really just common courtesy as I see it, but apparently it no longer exists.  On Tuesday I had a regularly scheduled doctor’s appointment to check on the progress of the baby and make sure I was OK to travel for the weekend.  When we got there, there wasn’t a single seat available in the waiting room.  I’d never seen it so packed.  At least one-third were occupied by men who were accompanying their partners.  Kudos to them for making the effort, but is it really too much to expect that at least ONE of them would get off his behind and offer his seat to a woman?  Particularly a PREGNANT woman?  And I wasn’t the only woman left standing.  There is no way I would have let my husband sit next to me while other women were having to stand up.

The same thing happened at a restaurant over the weekend.  The waiting area was full and all of the seats were taken.  Not a single person offered their seat to either me or my mom.  Again, no way would I have allowed my teenager/child/husband to sit while a woman was standing.  It’s mind-boggling.  I haven’t mentioned it lately, but the pain from the pelvic separation has gotten much worse and over the weekend was excruciating due to hours in the car, sleeping in a bed that wasn’t my own, and the fact that I am just reaching that very pregnant and extremely uncomfortable stage.  (My husband commented just the other day on the fact that he caught me waddling, something that I had managed not to do just yet.)  So for me to be forced to stand in these situations was beyond unbearable.

Additionally, there were several occasions where I was in a veryveryvery long and slow-moving line for the bathroom and nobody once offered to let me move ahead.  Six+ years ago, when I was pregnant with my oldest son, I always saw people being considerate of pregnant women in bathroom lines.  I’ve allowed pregnant women to move ahead of me many times.  Do people not do this anymore?  Was my leg crossing too subtle?  Should I break out the peepee dance next time to elicit more sympathy?  What if I make a not-so-subtle cell phone call to my husband and ask if he can bring me a dry pair of undies from the car?

I hate to sound whiny or like I think I deserve special treatment.  I’m actually the opposite most of the time.  I don’t really like to use those special parking spaces for pregnant women and generally prefer to just cope with the every day pregnancy grumbles.  After all, I did make this choice.  But sometimes it all gets to be a bit too much, especially during the holidays or when we’re traveling.  I don’t think it’s too much to ask that others use a little consideration.  On a good day I may just smile, say thank you, and decline.  On a bad day, you’ll probably become my hero.

Posted in Pregnancy, Rambling, Travel | 1 Comment »

Thursday, November 20th, 2008

Pregnant? Or just fat?

This pregnancy has been so unlike my others.  So I guess it shouldn’t surprise me that I *look* different, too.  I am one of those weird women who revels in the roundness of my body while pregnant.  Since I’m pretty round anyway, I feel like it’s the only time I look the way I should.  I once had a “friend” tell me I am the only person she knows who looks skinnier when she’s pregnant.  I’m sure there was a veiled dig in there somewhere, but it’s really true.  My PCOS kind of goes into remission and I don’t gain much weight.  The weight I do gain is all in my belly and my body shape really shifts significantly to move a lot of my excess there as well.  My skin clears up.  My hair gets thick and grows a lot faster.  If I’m honest, I’d say that typically my self-esteem improves a lot while pregnant.  (Don’t hate me!)

But not this time.  While my weight gain has stayed low, I think I still have that questionable “Is she pregnant?  Or just fat?” kind of look.  My skin is really gross and nothing seems to help clear it up or cover it up.  My hair fell out in huge clumps for the first several months so it thinned quite a bit and it’s not growing like it normally does.  It has really been a rough time for me in the self-esteem department this time around and I don’t like it one bit.

Normally by this point in my pregnancy, I’m getting shocked looks and “I don’t think you’ll make it that far!” comments when asked when I’m due.  I made a comment to someone the other day about having a baby in January and she looked surprised and told me she couldn’t even tell I was pregnant.  Not really the reaction I want to hear when I’m feeling a bit like a beached whale when I lay in bed and try to watch the TV over my belly.

This is all a new experience for me and I don’t like it.  At all.

Editing to add that the current ads are cracking me up…I’m sure they’re telling me how to get a flat stomach because of this post, but ironically, this is the only time I don’t want one!

Posted in Me Stuff, Pregnancy, Rambling | 1 Comment »

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  • I am a mom to 3 living in Sanford, NC. I am a wife. I am a student. I am a Christ follower. I am a friend. This is the craziness of my life.
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