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Archive for the ‘Pregnancy’ Category

Hearts and Minds and Pregnancy Tests, Oh My!

29 Aug

Grabbed your attention with that one, huh?  We all like to hear a good story about pregnancy tests, right?  Well, this one is less about pregnancy tests and more about my internal conflicts.  But there will be some pregnancy tests, so bear with me.

In the past couple of weeks, I have been dealing with constant nausea.  I suspected it might be hormonal changes due to weaning/cutting back on nursing.  Violet is definitely on the verge of being completely done and she usually only nurses once a day at most.  When I consulted Dr. Google, all I could find were people who thought it was from weaning but who eventually discovered they were pregnant.  So I asked a couple of friends and of course that was their first question as well.  Without providing too much detail, it’s possible but highly unlikely given the contraception I’m using so I blew off their questions.  But the seed was planted and started growing quickly.  Could it be?  If I’m perfectly honest, I do feel pregnant.  I’m queasy, tired, and incredibly emotional.  The trifecta of early pregnancy for me.  Though those symptoms could certainly have other causes (weaning and stress, just to name two) I started having a harder time pushing the doubts away.

Then a series of events convinced me to just go ahead and buy a stick to pee on.  At best, I’d get rid of the doubts.  At worst, well…I didn’t want to think about the worst.  Because my head knows it would be monumentally bad to get pregnant again.  Especially right now.  School, our financial situation, my sanity…all very tenuous things that would be threatened by another baby.  But if I am it’s better to know, right?  So off I went to the dollar store.  I bought one.  I used it.  I read it.  I threw it away.  I was relieved…there was no line.  Life goes on for about 15 minutes and then I felt the need to double check.  Crazy, right?

Now there was a line.  A very faint, but definitely there line.  Oh, HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL no!  I was in a tailspin.  I knew the rules.  Why did I break them?  You don’t go back and read a pregnancy test after the time limit!  Suddenly I’m panicking.  Hyperventilating, black spots in my vision, chest pain, all the symptoms of a really bad panic attack.  I managed to pull myself together, threw the test away again and decided that this line was in my imagination.  The next day I let my friends in on the secret and they wanted me to take another one right then.  I wasn’t prepared for that and refused, but said I’d take one at church this morning if they promised not to think badly of me if I cried when it was positive.  I knew I’d need their support and I wasn’t sure my husband would be able to give it this time.

I was right about his reaction.  When I finally told him last night he wasn’t happy.  He wasn’t angry at me or anything, just overwhelmed by the prospect of another one.  I knew how he felt, but at this point I just needed support and someone to tell me that it would work out.  I was disappointed but not totally surprised.  We both know another baby is the last thing we need.

When I stepped into church this morning, my girls mobbed me.  I wasn’t going to get out of it, so we marched off to the bathroom together.  I showed them a picture of the first test (on my cell phone) and they all saw the line.  I felt slightly vindicated, a little less concerned about my sanity.  They waited outside the stall while I took the test.  My hands were shaking so badly that I could barely do it, but I managed to get the job done without major mishap.  When I came out, they formed a circle around me while we waited to see what would happen.  Several minutes later we all agreed that the result was negative.

I expected relief.  What I felt was an overwhelming sadness.  I didn’t cry, but I felt like someone had taken something away from me that I really wanted.  Seems like my heart and mind are in conflict.  My mind screams “This is the worst idea EVER!”  My heart whispers “Wouldn’t another baby be awesome?”  I had opened myself up to it, started to get used to the idea.  Considered that God’s plan might be different from mine.  Apparently it’s not…at least not right now.  I’m not going to change my mind about the “no more babies” plan.  I’m ignoring that little whisper from my heart.  For about 36 hours I indulged it but I’m shutting it down again.  It’s important to follow your heart sometimes, but I think we all have to admit that our heads generally know what’s best.  Luckily God trumps them both…I know that mere contraception is not an obstacle if He has plans that differ from mine.  For now, I am content with that.

 
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Posted in Me Stuff, Pregnancy

 

Finally in Control

08 Jul

Men, this one isn’t for you.  So just walk away now…really, you’ll be sorry if you keep reading.  Fair warning!

Alright, so if you’re reading this I assume you’re female.  Or you don’t heed warnings very well.  Whatever the case, can we talk birth control?  I firmly believe in it.  Especially considering the fact that I absolutely do not ever want to be pregnant again.  If I change my mind about having another child, adoption sounds wonderful.  I have no desire to spend nine months feeling queasy, fat, and in pain.  Really…the last pregnancy just about did me in and I have no desire to repeat that.  However, permanent birth control didn’t appeal.  I considered having my tubes tied during my c-section, but wasn’t comfortable with the risks of long-term health issues.  (There are people who claim to have something called post tubal ligation syndrome.  There are doubts as to the validity of their claims, but I wasn’t thrilled about the possibility since I have other hormonal/female issues.)  Plus I just didn’t feel like I should close that door the minute she was pulled from my body.  I was hormonal and coming off of nine very unpleasant months and didn’t want to make that decision under those circumstances.  I’ve since made my peace with my family size and my hatred of gestating, though.  I’d gladly drive my husband to the urologist’s office for a little snip and make a big deal over him for a couple of days while he sat on a bag of frozen peas, but he’s not into it.  Which throws the ball back into my court.  Since I am the one who is adamant about not having any more kids, this has to be my responsibility.  (For now, anyway…I think he’ll come around eventually.  And lest you think my husband is less than awesome, I assure you he’s not.  If I’d exhausted all other options, he would go for it.)

Luckily, breastfeeding does tend to render me infertile for quite a while.  This is not true for everyone, though!  I suspect it is partially due to PCOS, but can’t be certain.  However, I am obviously quite fertile once my cycles return post-baby…this is how I ended up with baby #3.  Never take prior infertility for granted!  Even if you took every drug and had every procedure under the sun to get pregnant, this is no guarantee that you don’t need to worry about birth control for the rest of your life.  With that lesson learned, I had to make a decision.  So, like any woman does, I turned to friends.  Asked what they were using, what worked, what didn’t.  I came away with a lot of information and had to weigh them all with my personal situation.

I don’t like barrier methods (condom, diaphragm, cap, etc.) because they don’t allow for spontaneity, a requirement when you have three kids.  The failure rates for these are also quite high.  Not ideal in my current situation.  The hormonal methods (pill, shot, patch, ring) require too much maintenance.  I am absolutely awful at taking a pill every day or remembering to change a patch on get to the doctor on a regular basis to get a shot.  Even as much as I want to avoid pregnancy, I’d inevitably forget or not have the cash to get it when it was due and end up pregnant.  We actually used natural family planning (this is NOT the rhythm method, by the way!) for a while after baby #1 and were quite successful with it.  However, I was also infertile and couldn’t get pregnant with baby #2 until I shot myself up with fertility drugs and had many unpleasant procedures so I’m not sure how successful I can actually claim to be.  Besides, there’s always the possibility of serious miscalculation with this method and I’m not into taking that risk right now.  Permanent methods were out, as mentioned above.  This left me with one good (because abstinence is not realistic for a married couple) method…the Mirena IUD.

I asked my mom her opinion.  She last worried about birth control sometime in the late 1970s, so she wasn’t a lot of help.  Mostly ominous warnings about the old fashioned IUDs that weren’t useful based on the current options.  So I googled.  And googled some more.  And came up with lots of horror stories about the Mirena.  Uterine perforations, bleeding, pain, mood swings, weight gain, acne…they ran the gamut from merely irritating to life threatening.  I was scared of all of these possibilities, but I also had a lot of people (who I knew personally) who swore that it was the best.birth.control.EVER.

So I went for it.  I had it placed at 6 weeks postpartum, which means I’ve had it for over a year now.  Insertion was…unpleasant.  But I’d taken some pain medicine beforehand and knew what to expect.  I bled for several days afterwards, then had some additional random bleeding/spotting over the next several weeks.  But other than that, my side effects have been nil.  No acne.  No weight gain (that I can blame on the Mirena, anyway).  No mood swings.  If anything, I feel like my hormones are in better control than they were sans Mirena.  And the absolute best part?  No periods.  Once that initial spotting tapered off post insertion, I haven’t had any more.  I hear that they might come back.  And if they do, I’m prepared.  But I can’t convey the luxury this is for a woman with PCOS without getting (even more) graphic and truly scaring away any men who chose to read through this.  Let’s just say that I’m sold for this reason alone.  I also love that I can’t get a wild hair and decide to forgo birth control to “just see what happens” without going through the hoops of making an appointment with the doctor and having it removed.  (Last time I decided to “just see what happens” we ended up with baby #3!)  Yes, I will eventually have to replace it…in 2014.  By then I expect I will either have convinced my husband to take one for the team or will have decided to have a hysterectomy for other reasons.  And if that isn’t the case, it’s easy enough to simply have a new one put in.

So why am I sharing this?  Because I had a hard time finding positive stories about the Mirena.  For every one that I found, there were hundreds more that were negative.  And though most of my friends who’d tried it were happy, those weren’t the stories I saw when I consulted Dr. Google.  Obviously this is a decision between you and your doctor, but if you’ve landed on this page because you wanted to see a real-life experience, this is mine.  I love Mirena and would recommend considering it if you’re looking for a reliable birth control method.  There are people who are happy with it and I’m one of them.

 
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Posted in Health, Me Stuff, Pregnancy, Sites to See

 

Wow…what a difference a year makes!

10 May

Last year on Mother’s Day, I had absolutely no idea that I’d have a 3 1/2 month old baby this Mother’s Day.  I was already pregnant at the time but didn’t know it.  Well, let’s say I may have had an inkling by that point but was in deep, deep denial that it was even possible!  I thought it would be fun to read over what was going on in my life this time last year.  I relived the joy of both boys having pneumonia, which was happening right at the time I got pregnant. (How we managed that, I’ll never know!) Then I read this entry, where I insist I’m not pregnant, despite some very convincing symptoms.  The very next day was the day my oldest fell and busted his head open literally at the moment I was telling him to stop what he was doing so he wouldn’t bust his head open.

That was also the day I found out I was pregnant.  By that point I knew *something* was definitely up, but I’d managed to convince myself I was imagining things.  But that day was awful.  Watching your child fall and get an injury like that, then watching them get stitches is incredibly scary.  Add to that the fact that I’d been single parenting all week because my husband was out of town for work and I had reached my limit.  After getting Jackson stitched up, all I wanted to do was go home and have a good stiff drink or 3.  Because I was single parenting, I figured something a little less intoxicating was in order.  I was out of Mike’s Hard Lemonade (my beverage of choice) so I headed to Walmart to get some and decided to pick up dinner on the way home.

Only once I got to WM, I remembered that something was a bit “off” and knew I needed to be sure I wasn’t pregnant before I had anything to drink.  So I bought a 2 pack of pregnancy tests and headed home to pee on them.

It was a good thing I did, because the thing had a line practically the minute I got the wrapper off of it.  It was pretty obvious immediately that I was knocked up.  After my brain registered this, I decided I must be seeing things.  In all of my years trying to get pregnant (or trying not to!) I’d NEVER had a line come up that fast and dark.  So I did what any sane woman would do…I scanned it and posted the picture to a message board and asked if I was seeing things.  Apparently, pregnancy causes temporary insanity.

Once I was reassured that I was not actually seeing things, I called my husband.  I was determined not to tell him but he could tell something was wrong.  Smart as he is, he knew it wasn’t just the head busting open and stitches episode, and I blurted it out, only to be met with stunned silence.  And then I burst into tears.  Because I wasn’t sure I was ready for another baby.  Because I never expected it to be so damn easy.  Because I was terrified and thrilled and a million other emotions that just couldn’t be held back any longer.  I look back on that day and realize how scared I was, and how amazing it has turned out to be, and it’s all the sweeter because it was such a huge surprise!

What a gift these 3 children are.  They’ve made me a mother and shaped the woman I am today.  They’ve brought me a contentment that I never realized I could find and made me learn things about myself that I never would have believed a few years ago.  And though they often drive me crazy, I know that at the end of the day I can tiptoe into their rooms and just breathe in their peacefulness and remember that these days won’t last forever.  Those angelic faces will one day lock me out of their rooms at night, then move away and make their own lives.  But for now they are all mine and I couldn’t be happier about that.  Today is a day for honoring mothers, but I feel like I should be paying tribute to my kids because they are the ones who made me a mom in the first place.  Thank you Jackson, Colin, and Violet for giving me the amazing opportunity to mother you.

 
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Posted in Family, Parenting, Pregnancy

 

Big Mistake. Big. HUGE.

21 Mar

Postpartum women have to go through lots of yucky stuff in the days and weeks following birth.  One of the cruelest is the massive hair loss that starts a few months after delivery.  During pregnancy, hormones can cause a woman’s hair to become very thick.  But as they stabilize post birth, all of that extra hair starts to fall out.  It can be very scary to a new mom who’s not expecting this!  Though I had a lot of hair loss during my 1st and 2nd trimesters this time I did finally experience the thickness during the 3rd trimester.  It also got pretty long (for me) and was strong and healthy.

But I knew this was fleeting, so I got it all cut off yesterday.  Between finding spit up in it (yes, this has happened more than once), Violet grabbing it and yanking, and the imminent prospect of major thinning, I thought it was the best move I could make.  I had saved money in the budget for a haircut this month so I made the appointment before I could chicken out.  My husband prefers it long but he doesn’t particularly like fishing out the giant hair clogs that would result if I didn’t get it cut now.  The cut looks great and it cost me less than I had budgeted, so I had a little extra money to play with.

I thought a little box of hair color would be a good pick-me-up, so I went to KMart to see what they had.  Not only did they have the brand I like (L’Oreal Natural Match) but they had a bunch of boxes on clearance.  I sorted through them, but none of them were *my* color.  So I chose the one that was closest.  I really thought it would be fine, but in the words of Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, “Big mistake. Big. HUGE.” It is way too dark.  And I’m left asking myself if it was worth the savings.  I’m kind of thinking it wasn’t, and that I should have listened to my gut when it told me to pay the extra $5 for the color I knew would work.  But I didn’t and now I want to cry when I look in the mirror.  Damn those hormones!

Sometimes being frugal is not all it’s cracked up to be.

 
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Posted in Me Stuff, Money/Finances, Pregnancy, Sites to See

 

It’s the little things…

29 Jan

So I’m under pre-pregnancy weight by about 8 pounds already.  (Don’t hate me!  Pregnancy is the only time my metabolism works properly…I only gained 9 lbs total and the baby alone was 8+.)  I’m pretty impressed by that, but I’m still sporting the “deflated tire” look and the idea of wearing jeans just terrifies me.  Maybe in another week?  I’m still pleased with the weight loss, though!

The baby is starting to sleep for longer stretches, and I feel like a new woman after getting a couple of 3-4 hour blocks of sleep.  With any luck she’ll keep this up!

My husband was the first victim of baby spew.  I nearly laughed until I cried when that happened.  Maybe because at the time it was midnight and all I wanted was to go to sleep?  I can assure you it wasn’t quite as funny when it happened to me.  But I wasn’t the *first* one who got it, either.

He has also been the victim of a baby who likes to poop and/or pee the moment her diaper is off.  Again, hilariously funny.  Especially when he doesn’t realize she peed until he starts to get her clothes back on and they’re soaking wet.

She gained 3.5 ounces in 3 days and grew 1/4 inch in length in her first week.  She has great muscle tone and is already holding her head up.  After one who had some problems with these things, it’s nice not to have to worry about that.

 
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Posted in Parenting, Pregnancy

 
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