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Dear 2004/2005 Self:

23 Oct

I am cleaning up my office and just found some medical records from the Great Infertility Drama. It took me right back to that time…the utter anguish and grief that I lived day after day…well, you’re right in the middle of that so you probably know all about it. I wish I could hug you and tell you it will all be OK. Because I know, I know, just how terrible you feel. That you believe you may never be happy again. I know you’re barely functioning, your life revolving around doctor’s appointments and drugs and shots and tests and procedures. And, because I’m older and wiser than you, I also know that it will eventually end.

I wish I could tell you that there will be a  baby. And he will be adorable and funny and the best ‘buddy’ ever. He will be your special child and face some obstacles but he will overcome them, one after another. What’s more, there will be another baby. A little girl who surprises you and completes the healing of your broken heart.

But more than that, I wish I could tell you what I’ve learned since those dark days. Spend more time with that little boy you have. Don’t let the depression take you away from him. He is there and he needs you. Oh, you’re doing a fine job — he grows up great (and with a smart mouth, but he probably got that from his daddy) and isn’t scarred by these years, but I think it would help to heal your heart a little. And spend time with that fabulous husband while you can enjoy each other’s company without (what sometimes seems like) a million children underfoot. Have more date nights. Go midnight swimming as often as you can. Take naps on rainy afternoons. Watch movies together. You have no idea what’s ahead!

But most important, I want you to know that God will always provide what you need if you will just trust Him. He is always there and He is always waiting for you. Stop rolling your eyes at me! I said I’m older and wiser, didn’t I? You need to trust me on this! I’ve learned a lot since I was you. I’ve been through a lot. And I say with complete confidence that you’re missing out. Oh, I know you’ll figure it out eventually…I just hate to see you waste time feeling so horrible.

These dark days won’t last forever. You will be happy again. And so much has happened…you’d never believe it if I told you so I won’t even try. You’ll just have to be surprised. But believe me when I tell you that your journey through this hell is worth it. Not just because there’s a baby on the other end, but because you learn so much throughout this process and it shapes who you will become. Smile more, obsess less, and live your life. It will change all too soon!

With much love,

Your 2011 Self

 
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Posted in Faith/Religion, Family, Love & Marriage, Me Stuff, Parenting, Randomness

 

2011

04 Jan

Eh, so it’s January 4th. I guess it took me this long to figure out what a big year this will be for me and my family. I am a little blown away by the enormity of some of the things we’ll experience this year…

  • Next week, I will apply to the nursing program at CCCC. I’m not sure I’m ready for it mentally or emotionally, much less financially, but I believe it’s something I’m being called to do and that I will manage somehow. I don’t have any idea when I’ll know whether I got in, but I already have a back-up plan in the even there aren’t enough spaces. (Though my 4.0GPA and high TEAS test score certainly make it unlikely that I’ll have any problems.)
  • In 16 days (!!!16 days!!!) my baby girl will be two years old. How is that even possible? Wasn’t she just born? I can’t even believe it, much less wrap my head around the fact that she is my last baby ever and that I need to enjoy this time watching her grow up.
  • In April, my husband and I will celebrate 10 years of marriage. Big milestone!
  • In May, my dad will have been gone for 10 years. Though I have made my peace with his death, it is still a hard time of year for me and this year will be no exception.
  • Sometime this summer (June? July?) I will reach the age where I have known my husband for more than half my life. Which doesn’t seem so significant until you remember that I am only 35. The idea that one of my children could meet their future spouse at the age of 17 is a little terrifying, but it worked out well for me. We have been together (in some form or another) for over 17 years now. Wow!
  • In late June, my middle child will be five years old. I remember when my oldest turned 5 it really seemed like a big step…to me, a 5 year old has truly left babyhood and is firmly into childhood. Can we just stop them from growing up for a little while?
  • Then in July, my oldest son will enter the 3rd grade and my younger son will enter kindergarten. Kindergarten!?!?!? How is he old enough for that? It seems like just yesterday I was in the hospital, hoping he’d get the hang of life outside the womb so we could take him home instead of ending up at UNC. And now he’s going to kindergarten. Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep breaths!
  • Hopefully I’ll enter a nursing program somewhere in August. Like I said, I have a back-up plan in the event that CCCC doesn’t take me but I really hope that’s not necessary!
  • In October, my oldest son will be 9. One step closer to double digits, the teen years, and (eventually) leaving us. Halfway to 18, the age of legal adulthood. Where does time go?

I’m sure there’s much more that I haven’t stopped to consider. That is probably a good thing, considering how overwhelmed I feel right now! I believe that 2011 is going to be a much better year than 2010 was for us. We’ll be making positive steps towards improving our financial situation in a permanent way and marking some major milestones in our lives. I’m excited for everything that’s going to happen!

 
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Posted in Back to School, Family, Love & Marriage, Me Stuff, Parenting

 

What’s the opposite of dark and twisty?

10 Dec

Because I can’t think of a way to describe how good I feel. When I feel yucky and ick on the inside, I just tell people I feel dark and twisty because it explains so well. But this…it is the opposite of that nasty feeling! So much has happened since I last posted almost a month ago! First (and probably most significant) the Paxil that I started taking 2 months ago for my anxiety has kicked in and I feel so much better. It has been so long since I felt “normal” that I forgot how good it can be. Luckily, the doctor feels that this is only situational and that I’ll be able to come off of it when our financial picture improves and I’m a little less stressed out and scared. For the time being, the Paxil is helping immensely and I feel so much better than I did!

A friend bought Christmas gifts for the children so that Santa wouldn’t forget our house this year. My mom and brother are also helping with Christmas and I am so glad that they are able and willing to do that. I’m getting into the Christmas spirit without spending any money, and when we broke the news to the kids that there wouldn’t be any gifts from mommy and daddy this year, my oldest son said “That’s okay…that’s not what Christmas is about anyway!” Wise words from an 8 year old boy. He is simply amazing.

We spent the Thanksgiving holiday in Tennessee with our families, so that was great. Right after the holiday, I found out that I made 104 on my last exam. (The only thing I missed was 1 bonus point!) I’m doing so well in my class right now, that the finals (one in lab, one in lecture) have little bearing on my grade. I still plan to study, but the pressure isn’t on to make a really good grade on the exams because I’m almost assured an A already.

And then, this week happened. And the good stuff just kept coming and any part of me that still felt dark and twisty was filled with light and hope. (Hmmmm…maybe light and hope is the opposite of dark and twisty?) Monday, my husband had a job interview. He was offered the position that night and started Tuesday morning. Awesome, right? So awesome that I didn’t even stress over finding someone to keep the kids so I could do the school stuff I needed to do this week because I just knew it would work out somehow.

And it did! My BFF (one of them ;) was able to keep Violet for me on Wednesday while I went to school and had my last lab of the semester and took another exam. Violet did wonderfully…much better than me! I was a nervous wreck. I knew that she would be well taken care of, but I worried that she would have separation anxiety or be scared or upset. Of course, she did fine and had a great time!

And then yesterday, I was scheduled to take my TEAS test — the entrance exam for nursing. My friend came over here and kept my 2 youngest kids while I went over to school and took the exam that was my final hurdle before applying to the nursing program. I had to make a 70 to qualify and it was a very difficult test. Luckily there was no waiting afterwards…the computer scores it immediately and they let you know right away what you made. The good news is that I passed with flying colors! I made a 91.2, which is in the 99th percentile. Pretty awesome, I think!

Then when I got home, I found out that the cleaning fairy had made a visit to my house. My awesome friend had cleaned the playroom, putting up all of the toys and even sweeping! My house has been so neglected over the last few weeks that the place is just a wreck. I feel like I’m living in an episode of Hoarders…it is really awful. But that one little area being clean has taken a lot of stress off of me and given me the motivation to really get this house whipped into shape! So much so, that I have already been to the grocery store, made dinner (taco soup), done a load of dishes, and mopped my kitchen/dining/playroom (it’s all in one gigantic room, along with my office) this morning.

And I feel great. The job won’t pull us out of this situation. It’s only part-time, but it’s flexible enough that I can continue school and he can continue real estate. I’m hopeful that I’ll get a job very soon that will help put us back in a better position. Keep praying, but know that there are good things happening and I’m grateful for everyone who has thought of us in the last few months!

 
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Posted in Back to School, Me Stuff, Money/Finances, Parenting

 

Bullying and Self-Loathing

02 Oct

Have you seen the video from Ellen Degeneres going around Facebook? (If not, try this link.) That so many children and young adults have taken their lives in the past few weeks is devastating. More devastating is knowing that these deaths could have been prevented if the bullying was identified by an adult and stopped. Regardless of the reason for the bullying (whether it be sexuality or something else) behavior, this must stop. As parents, as adults, it is our responsibility and our duty to know what is going on in our children’s lives and raise them in such a way that they would never bully someone.

I think I’m lucky…I was never truly bullied. I don’t believe I bullied anyone else. I hope that nobody ever felt like I was bullying them. But I have dealt with some bullying behavior that my oldest son experienced. Problems on the bus, mostly. I dealt with it quickly. Letters to the vice-principal and his teacher, phone calls to follow up, etc. The problems were all nipped in the bud immediately. For that I’m incredibly grateful.

But bullying isn’t the only thing we need to be worried about. The problem is bigger than that. Someone shared this link with me last night and it really moved me. Not only because of the story she tells, but because there was a paragraph that really resonated with me.

When I am with people, no matter where I go (even online), I expect to be rejected. I assume that you will hate me, that you will seek to avoid me, that you hope I won’t bother you by trying to talk to you. Every expression of acceptance is a surprise to me. I want people to be nice to me, but I never expect it. I expect people to reject me; I hope they will leave me alone. Niceness doesn’t really factor into any of that.

I identify with this so well. It truly is how I feel. I don’t understand why people want to spend time with me, why they’d want to read what I have to say, or why they’d want to help me. Because I see absolutely nothing in myself that is lovable. After spending time with people, I analyze everything I did/said, everything they did/said, trying to figure out if I said or did anything that would make them hate me or if I could decipher their true feelings. I am so filled with self-loathing that I cannot even relax and enjoy myself most of the time. These feelings did not come from bullying.

But, just for a moment, imagine if I felt this way and was bullied on top of that. If I went through the merciless teasing and personal attacks some kids endure because they haven’t been taught that it is the things that are different that make people beautiful. I know I wouldn’t be here today. I would have killed myself as surely as these children did. Because that life? It is not one that is worth living and children lack the ability to see the future, to understand that it won’t always be like this.

We must be vigilant advocates for our children. Address bullying if you see it. Raise your children to be kind and loving and sensitive. Instill in them a good self-esteem. Remind them that they matter and that you care and that you will do something to help them if you know what is going on. Most of all, love them and teach them to love others.

 
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Posted in Me Stuff, Parenting

 

Off the Backburner

20 Sep

For several years now, my children have been the most important thing in my life.  I have focused most of my energies on them for multiple reasons…because they needed it, because they are small for such a short period of time, because I felt it was important to do at a young age to establish attachment and security.  My husband has done the same, by unspoken agreement.  We both recognize the need to sacrifice ourselves for them, sometimes to the detriment of our relationship with one another.  It’s okay with us because we know that we’ll be around for each other later on when the kids need less of us.  It’s our commitment to our children and each other.

We don’t go on dates because they’re too expensive and we don’t have anyone who can keep the kids.  We rarely go to bed at the same time, and sometimes not even in the same place, because I am a night owl with terrible insomnia and he is a morning person who starts snoring (very loudly) the moment his head hits the pillow.  We don’t like the same TV shows, so he will watch TV in the evenings while I stay in the office on my computer.  Quite often, there is a child in our bed.

But with the lessening of the children’s demands, I find that we’re making more time for each other.  I am shutting my computer off by 9pm most nights and joining him in the living room to watch the shows that I think are boring…and liking them.  I’m trying to head to the bedroom at a decent hour and avoid caffeine so that sleep is a bit less elusive.  Children are moved back to their own beds once the night terror or teething pain has calmed enough for sleep to reclaim them.  And we recently went on a real date…one that required me to dress up and find suitable childcare.  (Paid for by my mom and other generous people, but a real date nonetheless!)

It’s been a-MAY-zing.  I don’t regret the time given to my children, the years where most of my energy has been focused on them and their needs. But is it wrong to say that I’m thrilled to be able to give more of myself to my husband now that they’re getting older?  To fall in love with him all over again and feel a bit like newlyweds again?  I was never out of love, not even close.  (Who wouldn’t be in love with a man who made his children a top priority?  I know how lucky I am!)  But the falling in love again is so.much.fun.

I have friends who have told me their marriages would never survive if they did what we do.  Allowing kids in our bed, making them the #1 priority, putting each other on the backburner.  It makes me so sad!  If your marriage can’t survive a little backburner, I feel like that speaks volumes about your relationship.  And frankly, the finding of each other again is fun.  I think it builds your relationship in ways a lot of people can’t imagine.

 
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Posted in Family, Love & Marriage, Me Stuff, Parenting

 
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