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Archive for the ‘Me Stuff’ Category

Moms Are Awfully Smart

08 Feb

You’d think I would know this now that I’ve been a mom for 8 years already, but for some reason I tend to forget that my mom’s advice is usually spot on. Years ago when I was upset over my lack of local friends after one of our many moves she told me to find a church. We weren’t interested in church at the time and so I rolled my eyes and blew her off. Of course, she was completely right. Two and a half years ago I found myself searching for something more in life and we decided to look for a church. Enter some of the most amazing friends I’ve ever known. I met them all through church and I don’t know where I would be without them…probably locked in a nuthouse somewhere. So maybe moms do know a thing or two.

Over the last 6 months, I’ve felt like something was missing once again. I didn’t feel good about going to church any more. My faith was growing ever stronger, so that wasn’t it. I was able to see my friends every Sunday. But the peace that I’ve gained since we started attending wasn’t there. My head and my heart were in conflict and suddenly my husband and I were having these discussions about whether we should look for a new church. But I couldn’t…because my friends were there. Because it’s the place that brought me back to Christ and where I learned what faith could do for me. Because I was scared to look elsewhere. I was simply accepted for who I was (Democrat, social liberal) and finding another church where I’d feel accepted seemed daunting. But I no longer felt good when I was there and the personal turmoil was beginning to interfere with my ability to worship.

I was talking to my mom about this and she told me that church is not only for worship, learning, and developing a relationship with God…it is also about personal peace and being in a place that makes us feel good and whole. When you no longer feel that way, it is no longer a good fit. Luckily I’ve realized that moms usually do know what they’re talking about by now. Hearing her say that reinforced everything that I’d been thinking and we made the very difficult decision to attend other churches and try to find a place where we could find peace in worship again.

Sunday morning I slept late and realized that all of the local churches we were interested in trying had early services that we couldn’t be ready for in time. We wanted to start our search in town, but I didn’t want to skip church. We decided to go to one out of town that we’ve heard lots and lots of good things about. Every step of the way our decision was reinforced. The music, the message, even things that happened later in the day…they all let us know that our choice, though agonizing, was the right one. We may not put down roots in the church we visited first, but it brought me peace in worship once again. My heart and my head were in accord and that felt so good.

I am so glad that I listened to my mom. She’s a pretty smart woman. I hope that someday I can provide wisdom to my kids on the subject of church and faith. That God will give me the words to guide them on their spiritual journey, wherever it might lead. In the meantime, I’ll remember that my mom seems to have a knack for giving good advice to me. Who would have thought???

 
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Posted in Faith/Religion, Me Stuff

 

Plateau already?

02 Feb

So we’re a month into the new year, and I’m still at it. Eating healthy, exercising, working on my mental health and all of that jazz. The mental health is going well…I’m working on a Bible study that has helped me immensely and I’m talking about my deep, dark self-esteem issues with the people who love me. But the weight loss is just not going as I expected it to, unfortunately.

I’m eating about 1500 calories a day. Balancing my green, yellow, and red foods appropriately. Soda is now disgustingly sweet to me and my caffeine addiction is all but gone. (I am having coffee some days, but I don’t need it.) I’m burning 3000-4000 calories a week through exercise and I’ve just started really switching it up so that I might do Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred one day, Wii Fit cardio & yoga another, elliptical the next, and some intervals sprinkled in there. I’m averaging 2 workouts per day most days and I feel pretty good about that. The one thing I’d like to add in is kettlebells for some additional strength training, but I don’t have the funds for either a video or the kettlebells themselves right now.

I slipped on Monday…ate a 350 calorie dessert because I was craving something sweet. I ate it slowly and enjoyed every single bite, something I have had a hard time doing in the past. I used to eat dessert regularly and just wolf it down, barely stopping to enjoy it. Afterwards, I got on the elliptical and burned every one of those 350 calories off. And even though I counted it as a slip, I’m proud for the way I handled it. I indulged, I enjoyed, I worked out extra to make up for it. Baby steps, right?

But my weight loss has stopped. I’m stuck at 7 pounds lost and nothing is making that scale move. I even started taking Alli, hoping that it would help me lose a little bit extra. Apparently I was already taking in so little fat that it just doesn’t affect me! I guess that’s a good thing, but it’s slightly frustrating, because I just do not know what else to do.

Am I undereating/overtraining and sending myself into starvation mode? Am I missing something else? Where do I go from here to get the weight loss kick started again?

 
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Posted in Health, Me Stuff

 

My word for 2011?

09 Jan

Health. Simple, but such a big goal, right? I’ve seen a lot of people refuse to make resolutions and instead choose one word to represent their hopes for the year. And while mine may be something a lot of people choose, it is something I need desperately.

I’ve worked out (running, walking, elliptical) almost every day this year. I’ve only skipped 2, mainly because I am afraid of injury if I push myself too hard. I am tracking my nutrition with a great app (more on this in another post!) and doing a wonderful job of staying within my calorie limit and eating healthy ratios of good, less good, and not good food items. I’ve already lost 2 pounds and this is just the beginning. My goal is to lose 25 pounds by April. After that, we’ll see what happens. I definitely plan to continue after that…I have much more than 25 pounds to lose…but that is my immediate goal. I believe I’ll have no trouble reaching it if I can keep going like I have been.

But I don’t just wish physical health for myself this year. I’m also working on my mental health. Last year, I slowly dropped out of every activity I was involved in until all I was doing was school and family. And while I excelled at school, family was a distant second. And everything else pretty much dropped out of sight. I feel really, really bad about it. I had made commitments that I was unable to honor when my anxiety reached the critical point last fall that made me realize I needed some help. I’m embarrassed. I’m ashamed. Most of all, I’m frustrated. Because I’m afraid people won’t trust me again, even though I’m now in a much better place.

Even my house suffered. I don’t think I’d done any sort of cleaning in months. And when I sat down and looked around, the mess was overwhelming. I felt like I was living in an episode of Hoarders. Things weren’t quite that bad, but they were bad enough. The cleaning fairies (aka, my friends and husband!) have helped me get the worst of it back under control now and I currently have a sparkly clean kitchen that I can keep clean with minimal effort each night, a play room that is organized, and a boys bedroom where I can see the floor. There’s more to be done, but I don’t feel so overwhelmed by it that I just don’t know where to start any more.

Luckily, I have had a lot of friends, not to mention my husband and children, stick with me through the personal crisis. They kept calling, texting, and inviting me to stuff even when they knew I probably wouldn’t respond. And when I started responding again, they told me how much better I looked, how much they had missed me, and how awesome I was for taking steps to get better. I felt like the prodigal daughter come home to the father I’d treated badly but was loved by unconditionally. I am so, so blessed by my beautiful and amazing friends.

School starts back tomorrow. But I won’t let it dominate my life. I have a family who loves me, a house to take care of, and friends who know exactly when I need encouragement. And I’m going to start adding back in those obligations I enjoyed, one at a time. (Assuming I can re-earn the trust of the people I abandoned…I’m guessing some are closed to me forever. I understand, but it still makes me sad.) When someone asks me to do something, I’ll think before saying yes. And I won’t feel bad for saying no if I decide that’s what I need to do. But most of all, I’ll take time for myself and remember that I deserve a hot bath, a good workout, or some time alone when I start feeling anxious and overwhelmed.

I deserve a healthy mind and body, and this year I’m going to make that my priority!

 
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Posted in Me Stuff

 

2011

04 Jan

Eh, so it’s January 4th. I guess it took me this long to figure out what a big year this will be for me and my family. I am a little blown away by the enormity of some of the things we’ll experience this year…

  • Next week, I will apply to the nursing program at CCCC. I’m not sure I’m ready for it mentally or emotionally, much less financially, but I believe it’s something I’m being called to do and that I will manage somehow. I don’t have any idea when I’ll know whether I got in, but I already have a back-up plan in the even there aren’t enough spaces. (Though my 4.0GPA and high TEAS test score certainly make it unlikely that I’ll have any problems.)
  • In 16 days (!!!16 days!!!) my baby girl will be two years old. How is that even possible? Wasn’t she just born? I can’t even believe it, much less wrap my head around the fact that she is my last baby ever and that I need to enjoy this time watching her grow up.
  • In April, my husband and I will celebrate 10 years of marriage. Big milestone!
  • In May, my dad will have been gone for 10 years. Though I have made my peace with his death, it is still a hard time of year for me and this year will be no exception.
  • Sometime this summer (June? July?) I will reach the age where I have known my husband for more than half my life. Which doesn’t seem so significant until you remember that I am only 35. The idea that one of my children could meet their future spouse at the age of 17 is a little terrifying, but it worked out well for me. We have been together (in some form or another) for over 17 years now. Wow!
  • In late June, my middle child will be five years old. I remember when my oldest turned 5 it really seemed like a big step…to me, a 5 year old has truly left babyhood and is firmly into childhood. Can we just stop them from growing up for a little while?
  • Then in July, my oldest son will enter the 3rd grade and my younger son will enter kindergarten. Kindergarten!?!?!? How is he old enough for that? It seems like just yesterday I was in the hospital, hoping he’d get the hang of life outside the womb so we could take him home instead of ending up at UNC. And now he’s going to kindergarten. Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep breaths!
  • Hopefully I’ll enter a nursing program somewhere in August. Like I said, I have a back-up plan in the event that CCCC doesn’t take me but I really hope that’s not necessary!
  • In October, my oldest son will be 9. One step closer to double digits, the teen years, and (eventually) leaving us. Halfway to 18, the age of legal adulthood. Where does time go?

I’m sure there’s much more that I haven’t stopped to consider. That is probably a good thing, considering how overwhelmed I feel right now! I believe that 2011 is going to be a much better year than 2010 was for us. We’ll be making positive steps towards improving our financial situation in a permanent way and marking some major milestones in our lives. I’m excited for everything that’s going to happen!

 
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Posted in Back to School, Family, Love & Marriage, Me Stuff, Parenting

 

We must be doing something right!

03 Jan

Christmas was scaring me. I didn’t know how we could afford to buy gifts for the kids, much less anyone else. But people stepped up to help us…someone bought gifts for the kids so that Santa would be able to stop at our house. Then we suddenly received a little over $1000 from various sources and we were able to not only make sure the kids had gifts, but we also were able to get caught up on some bills and buy much needed shoes and clothing for ourselves. I couldn’t believe the blessings we received so unexpectedly from friends and family!

And then, on New Years Eve, my father-in-law called. My husband’s parents and his aunt and uncle had bought us a new mini van. They would be delivering it sometime after midnight on New Years Day. It’s nothing fancy, but it runs and we can fit all of the children and their carseats into it! We’re once again a 2 car family. But most significantly, with a spare vehicle that will hold 3 carseats, I can get a job wherever I can find one. UNC, Moore Regional, WakeMed…all of these hospitals are now options for employment. Another option is home health care, something I’d really love to explore because I think it would give me some insight into what I might experience as a hospice nurse, since many of these positions are traveling/home health care positions.

So I don’t know what we’ve done to deserve such largesse, but I have to say that it’s so appreciated. We’re still struggling with the mortgage, but I believe that will work itself out if we’re meant to stay in this house. So this year has started off well. Hopefully it will continue to go well and be much, much better than 2010 was!

 
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Posted in Faith/Religion, Me Stuff, Money/Finances

 
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