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Archive for the ‘Love & Marriage’ Category

Dear 2004/2005 Self:

23 Oct

I am cleaning up my office and just found some medical records from the Great Infertility Drama. It took me right back to that time…the utter anguish and grief that I lived day after day…well, you’re right in the middle of that so you probably know all about it. I wish I could hug you and tell you it will all be OK. Because I know, I know, just how terrible you feel. That you believe you may never be happy again. I know you’re barely functioning, your life revolving around doctor’s appointments and drugs and shots and tests and procedures. And, because I’m older and wiser than you, I also know that it will eventually end.

I wish I could tell you that there will be a  baby. And he will be adorable and funny and the best ‘buddy’ ever. He will be your special child and face some obstacles but he will overcome them, one after another. What’s more, there will be another baby. A little girl who surprises you and completes the healing of your broken heart.

But more than that, I wish I could tell you what I’ve learned since those dark days. Spend more time with that little boy you have. Don’t let the depression take you away from him. He is there and he needs you. Oh, you’re doing a fine job — he grows up great (and with a smart mouth, but he probably got that from his daddy) and isn’t scarred by these years, but I think it would help to heal your heart a little. And spend time with that fabulous husband while you can enjoy each other’s company without (what sometimes seems like) a million children underfoot. Have more date nights. Go midnight swimming as often as you can. Take naps on rainy afternoons. Watch movies together. You have no idea what’s ahead!

But most important, I want you to know that God will always provide what you need if you will just trust Him. He is always there and He is always waiting for you. Stop rolling your eyes at me! I said I’m older and wiser, didn’t I? You need to trust me on this! I’ve learned a lot since I was you. I’ve been through a lot. And I say with complete confidence that you’re missing out. Oh, I know you’ll figure it out eventually…I just hate to see you waste time feeling so horrible.

These dark days won’t last forever. You will be happy again. And so much has happened…you’d never believe it if I told you so I won’t even try. You’ll just have to be surprised. But believe me when I tell you that your journey through this hell is worth it. Not just because there’s a baby on the other end, but because you learn so much throughout this process and it shapes who you will become. Smile more, obsess less, and live your life. It will change all too soon!

With much love,

Your 2011 Self

 
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Posted in Faith/Religion, Family, Love & Marriage, Me Stuff, Parenting, Randomness

 

2011

04 Jan

Eh, so it’s January 4th. I guess it took me this long to figure out what a big year this will be for me and my family. I am a little blown away by the enormity of some of the things we’ll experience this year…

  • Next week, I will apply to the nursing program at CCCC. I’m not sure I’m ready for it mentally or emotionally, much less financially, but I believe it’s something I’m being called to do and that I will manage somehow. I don’t have any idea when I’ll know whether I got in, but I already have a back-up plan in the even there aren’t enough spaces. (Though my 4.0GPA and high TEAS test score certainly make it unlikely that I’ll have any problems.)
  • In 16 days (!!!16 days!!!) my baby girl will be two years old. How is that even possible? Wasn’t she just born? I can’t even believe it, much less wrap my head around the fact that she is my last baby ever and that I need to enjoy this time watching her grow up.
  • In April, my husband and I will celebrate 10 years of marriage. Big milestone!
  • In May, my dad will have been gone for 10 years. Though I have made my peace with his death, it is still a hard time of year for me and this year will be no exception.
  • Sometime this summer (June? July?) I will reach the age where I have known my husband for more than half my life. Which doesn’t seem so significant until you remember that I am only 35. The idea that one of my children could meet their future spouse at the age of 17 is a little terrifying, but it worked out well for me. We have been together (in some form or another) for over 17 years now. Wow!
  • In late June, my middle child will be five years old. I remember when my oldest turned 5 it really seemed like a big step…to me, a 5 year old has truly left babyhood and is firmly into childhood. Can we just stop them from growing up for a little while?
  • Then in July, my oldest son will enter the 3rd grade and my younger son will enter kindergarten. Kindergarten!?!?!? How is he old enough for that? It seems like just yesterday I was in the hospital, hoping he’d get the hang of life outside the womb so we could take him home instead of ending up at UNC. And now he’s going to kindergarten. Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep breaths!
  • Hopefully I’ll enter a nursing program somewhere in August. Like I said, I have a back-up plan in the event that CCCC doesn’t take me but I really hope that’s not necessary!
  • In October, my oldest son will be 9. One step closer to double digits, the teen years, and (eventually) leaving us. Halfway to 18, the age of legal adulthood. Where does time go?

I’m sure there’s much more that I haven’t stopped to consider. That is probably a good thing, considering how overwhelmed I feel right now! I believe that 2011 is going to be a much better year than 2010 was for us. We’ll be making positive steps towards improving our financial situation in a permanent way and marking some major milestones in our lives. I’m excited for everything that’s going to happen!

 
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Posted in Back to School, Family, Love & Marriage, Me Stuff, Parenting

 

Off the Backburner

20 Sep

For several years now, my children have been the most important thing in my life.  I have focused most of my energies on them for multiple reasons…because they needed it, because they are small for such a short period of time, because I felt it was important to do at a young age to establish attachment and security.  My husband has done the same, by unspoken agreement.  We both recognize the need to sacrifice ourselves for them, sometimes to the detriment of our relationship with one another.  It’s okay with us because we know that we’ll be around for each other later on when the kids need less of us.  It’s our commitment to our children and each other.

We don’t go on dates because they’re too expensive and we don’t have anyone who can keep the kids.  We rarely go to bed at the same time, and sometimes not even in the same place, because I am a night owl with terrible insomnia and he is a morning person who starts snoring (very loudly) the moment his head hits the pillow.  We don’t like the same TV shows, so he will watch TV in the evenings while I stay in the office on my computer.  Quite often, there is a child in our bed.

But with the lessening of the children’s demands, I find that we’re making more time for each other.  I am shutting my computer off by 9pm most nights and joining him in the living room to watch the shows that I think are boring…and liking them.  I’m trying to head to the bedroom at a decent hour and avoid caffeine so that sleep is a bit less elusive.  Children are moved back to their own beds once the night terror or teething pain has calmed enough for sleep to reclaim them.  And we recently went on a real date…one that required me to dress up and find suitable childcare.  (Paid for by my mom and other generous people, but a real date nonetheless!)

It’s been a-MAY-zing.  I don’t regret the time given to my children, the years where most of my energy has been focused on them and their needs. But is it wrong to say that I’m thrilled to be able to give more of myself to my husband now that they’re getting older?  To fall in love with him all over again and feel a bit like newlyweds again?  I was never out of love, not even close.  (Who wouldn’t be in love with a man who made his children a top priority?  I know how lucky I am!)  But the falling in love again is so.much.fun.

I have friends who have told me their marriages would never survive if they did what we do.  Allowing kids in our bed, making them the #1 priority, putting each other on the backburner.  It makes me so sad!  If your marriage can’t survive a little backburner, I feel like that speaks volumes about your relationship.  And frankly, the finding of each other again is fun.  I think it builds your relationship in ways a lot of people can’t imagine.

 
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Posted in Family, Love & Marriage, Me Stuff, Parenting