Have you ever heard of this?  I’d heard of it, but never experienced it.  For more info, you can click here.  Starting with the back pain a couple of weeks ago (which I couldn’t trace to anything…usually it’s due to lifting something I shouldn’t but this time I couldn’t figure out what caused it) I’ve had slowly worsening symptoms of pelvic separation, also known as Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction or SPD. I didn’t want to believe that’s what it was.  I’d never experienced anything like this in pregnancy before and surely I wouldn’t this time!

Apparently not so.  It seems to be related to hormones…and with the wacky hormones I’ve had this entire pregnancy causing acne, hair loss, and more, it shouldn’t be a huge surprise.  But it is.  And it hurts.  If you’ve seen me trailing around the grocery store or Wal-Mart behind my husband, you’ve likely seen just how much pain I’m in when I try to get up and walk around for more than a few minutes.  It’s hard to get out of bed in the morning.  The round ligament pains that I first started having before I even knew I was pregnant have gotten increasingly worse and I have to be very careful to move in a way that doesn’t exacerbate them.  Luckily I am still (mostly) comfortable while sitting.

I am reminded once again of why 3 pregnancies/children is my limit.  Physically, emotionally, and financially.  Pregnancy (even with the boys) has never been an easy thing.  I pretty much stay sick and/or queasy for the entire 9 months.  It improves somewhat as time goes on, but never really goes away.  Then there’s the sheer exhaustion and wear and tear on my body.  I do better than a lot of people I know, but I definitely don’t breeze through it like others.  Emotionally I don’t feel like I’m capable of giving more than 3 kids everything they need from me.  I adore my kids, but let’s face it…they need a LOT.  I only have so much to give!  And financially, well…do I need to elaborate?  Considering our current situation I just cannot ever see us choosing to add another child to our family.  And if we ever do then I think I would prefer to adopt.  It’s something we strongly considered when I was struggling to get pregnant with our 2nd and something I considered again before I found out I was pregnant this time.  I’m not ruling it out, just in case we win the lottery or something!  But truly, I feel done.  And have said so pretty much from the moment we found out I was pregnant.  Except for a few moments of wavering because I couldn’t imagine not doing this ever again, I’ve been pretty sure that this is it.  Not because we’re having a girl this time (though I know that’s what people think) but because I’m just DONE.  I’m blessed by the 3 healthy children I have.  I don’t want to tempt fate or get too greedy.  This is it, and I’m content with that decision.

The ultrasound tech said with 89% certainty that this baby is a girl.  We got another good view a few minutes later and it definitely looked like a girl to me, so I am going with that!  I am overwhelmed by our good fortune.  Even though we’ve experienced some problems getting pregnant and then were faced with some early losses, we are now expecting what appears to be a perfectly healthy 3rd child.  And not only that, but this is the girl I’ve dreamed of having for years now.  Not to say that I haven’t been thrilled with my boys, but somehow it’s all the sweeter because I did have to wait.  I feel blessed beyond measure right now.

And I truly feel like she will complete our family.  I’ve felt like someone was missing and I just didn’t know who.  Now I know, and I feel very content to say that this is my last pregnancy and my last baby.  Unless our circumstances change drastically, I just don’t see me wanting another baby.  This pregnancy has been more difficult for me and I feel that three is my limit as far as meeting each of their emotional and physical needs.  So though I was pretty sure I didn’t want to do all of this again, there was still that tiny bit of doubt.  Now I feel very secure in that decision!

So if you’re dying to see a picture, here ya go.  I can already tell she’s gorgeous!

No, no labor for me! Either in the baby birthing sense or the physical sense. It’s been a lazy day and I didn’t even make it into my oldest son’s room to do the clothing sorting I meant to do in preparation for the ultrasound tomorrow. Oh well…I guess it will happen, right? In the meantime, here’s another brain dump!

We did go to church yesterday, and Amy and her husband met us there. We all agreed that it was good, even if the start of the service was slightly intimidating at first! The sermon was something that I especially needed to hear, so I really felt God’s presence there. The kids had fun, we got a $25 gas card, and I felt closer to God than I have in a long time. Even my husband, who has never been a church-goer, enjoyed it and said he’d like to go back. I’m really, really happy about this. I’m sick of being mad at God for the bad stuff in our life and I’m ready to trust that He will help us get everything back together (as long as we’re putting the effort in, too!) if we give him the chance. So I’m really hoping that this church will help us rediscover that faith and give us the confidence we need to move forward.

Tonight is the start of the football season for my personal team, the Tennessee Volunteers. Go Vols!

I really feel for Bristol Palin. I know she must be scared and overwhelmed and being in the media spotlight (which I think is wrong by the way…we need to focus on the candidates and their fitness for office) can’t be easy. Let’s face it, we all messed up to some degree as teenagers. I just thank God that my lapses in judgment weren’t in the national news. Gah. I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for her. I just hope that she has a good support system in place. I am also reminded of why I am against abstinence only sex ed. As much as I would prefer that for my children, I know that I can’t lock them in their rooms until I think they’re responsible, mature adults. *sigh* It’s really too bad that’s not an option. (That is a joke! Well, sorta. LOL)

Speaking of that, I must not ignore or change the subject on my 5 year old the next time he asks me how the baby got in my belly. It’s never too early, right? Now to figure out how to approach that issue in an age appropriate and sensitive way. I’m a little queasy just thinking about it! (Smart people, if you have resources, please fill me in!)

Tomorrow is the premier of the new 90210. Today, SoapNet has run a marathon of the original and I’ve been very into it! Yes, I’m 32 years old and reliving high school. If my house was clean, I’d totally have a viewing party tomorrow night, just like we did in high school and college! Instead, I will try to watch it with my husband mocking me and my 2 year old climbing on me. Oh, how things have changed…

Tomorrow is also the BIG day. We will (I hope!) be confirming that our baby is healthy and strong and also finding out whether this is a baby sister or a baby brother for the boys, assuming this baby gives up the goods. My first did not…we had to wait another 4 weeks and have a repeat ultrasound because his position was so terrible that she couldn’t visualize the heart well, much less tell the sex. Our babysitter for tomorrow backed out on us, so we’ll be taking the toddler along. I’m hoping he allows his daddy to enjoy the experience! Luckily I will be unable to wrestle with him. If you could send your prayers and good thoughts to us around 10:30, I’d be most grateful! I’ll be back as soon as I can with the full update.

Yesterday afternoon my husband picked up my oldest son from school and headed straight to South Carolina to spend some time with his parents who are visiting down there.  I was invited but chose to stay home.  I haven’t been sleeping very well and I thought it would be a good opportunity to catch up on some sleep and do some things around the house.

Well, I still had trouble sleeping and still woke up early and couldn’t go back to sleep.  So much for that!  But I did get several hours completely uninterrupted which is always helpful.

And now, instead of doing the cleaning I’d planned on, I’m meeting a friend for lunch in Carthage.  Oh well…this is more fun, anyway!

So while the goals I set for myself are not being met I’m still enjoying the blissful peace of the house.  They’ll be home this afternoon and I’m glad…I miss my boys, all 3 of them!

Way back when I first started this blog, I made a post about church. I loved going as a kid, but as an adult (especially with children) I find it very hard to get there and do so in a way that doesn’t involve me yelling or getting stressed because someone isn’t getting ready or the clothes we need aren’t clean or whatever. So we have been churchless for several years. Some of it’s due to our nomadic lifestyle, some of it’s due to my social anxiety, some of it is our slightly liberal belief system, and some of it is just pure laziness.

But with the new stresses in our life, I’m feeling the pull for spiritual fulfillment, as well as a social outlet. I really have very few friends here, and absolutely nobody I can just call up and say “Hey, I had a bad day…want to go grab some coffee and chill out for a little while?” It’s wearing me down and I just feel like I really need all of the stuff that goes with finding a church home.

I have been intrigued by Brickcity Community Church ever since we moved here. It seemed like it had what we were looking for, but walking into new social settings literally terrifies me. I’ve had panic attacks over it before and have been known to go back to my car and leave if I can’t handle it. I’m starting to feel queasy and shaky now just thinking about trying to do this on Sunday. So does anyone attend that church? Can you tell me a little more? Like, if we all show up in jeans are people going to look at us funny? What types of service do you do in the community? If my beliefs are a little different than others, is that going to be a problem? (And truly, my beliefs may be like everyone else’s there…but I’ve had bad experiences with Christians before when I have spoken up and said I feel that God calls us to love everyone and that judging is His job, not ours. Apparently that only extends to people who are “like us.”) I love that their services are at 10AM and 11:30. An 8:30 contemporary service (which is what many churches seem to offer) is not going to work for us…we just can’t get out the door in time! I’ve never understood why so many churches have their contemporary services so early. With 3 kids to get dressed and ready, as well as getting ourselves together, it is not feasible for us.

If I can get up the courage and convince my husband, we’re going to try to go on Sunday. I need this! And if you attend a church that you think has what we’re looking for, let me know. I attended a “traditional” church as a kid, but I think the contemporary services seem to be more my style these days. Even a traditional church with a contemporary service would work as long as the opportunities to serve and worship suit us.

There has been so much whining about money here lately, hasn’t there? Well, I’m going to do some more of that. Feel free to skip it if you’re sick of it!

So, this being my last pregnancy, I wanted to commemorate it in a couple of different ways. First being a maternity portrait session some time around Christmas…a month before the baby is due when I’m nice and round but not huge and swollen. We did this about 6 weeks before my last child arrived (though it was supposed to be 8 weeks before!) and I have some lovely family photos that I really adore. None of me alone, though. I don’t want anything super wild. No bare belly shots or anything like that…just some nice *professional* (sorry, not Sears or JCPenney!) portraits of me and my husband, me and the kids, and me. To commemorate the last days of my last pregnancy. But financially it is out of the question now and probably will be even if some money comes in before that. We just have too much to buy between now and the baby’s arrival and this is really the bottom of the list when it comes to things we need to spend money on.

The second was to have a 3D/4D ultrasound at Prenatal Peek in Durham sometime in November. We did this last time and it was so amazing! The technology wasn’t widely available with my 1st and though we do have ultrasound videos of him (which I watched last night and cried over!) they are grainy and you can’t see much. These 3D/4D ones are amazing…we could see all kinds of details and when I watched ours last night I cried my eyes out. I relived the entire amazing experience and I’m so sad that I can’t do it again. And just because I can, here’s a short video clip and a photo from that ultrasound.

I have had this window open for a couple of hours now, just trying to decide what to post about. The main thing in my head is the fact that my husband is currently in Asheboro, pitching to a company there in the hopes of picking up some work. I alternate between praying that things go well and feeling like I’m going to throw up from the nervousness.

As for the other stuff bouncing around in my brain, here’s just a sample…

• With the arrival of the new LUSH store in Raleigh at Crabtree Valley, I’ve finally been able to try a couple of bath bombs and LOVE them. Now I want to try their hair color. The idea of my grays becoming bright red is strangely appealing. Has anyone tried it? Does anyone want to have a LUSH hair color party with me?
• I have a hair appointment scheduled for tomorrow. I am anxious to see what she makes of my badly thinning hair. I’ve never had this problem while pregnant…it usually becomes very thick and pretty. Right now it’s dull, thin, and lifeless. Yuck.
• Nobody in town will pierce my nose while I’m pregnant. Which doesn’t surprise me, but there goes my fabulous 33rd birthday gift to myself. Oh well! I still plan to have it done, but it may be a little bit longer. I did find some really cool opal nose screws, though!
• As difficult as 2 year olds can be, this may also be my favorite age. Right now he’s running back and forth from the art table with various pieces of scribbled paper and saying “look, look!” He is SO proud of himself!
• Both boys have requested a baby sister. I hope they’re not disappointed if it’s a brother instead.
• Yes, we do know what causes pregnancy. Yes, we wanted another baby. No, we don’t care what your opinion is. Why do people think it’s OK to comment on this?
• I am excited about the location of the new YMCA, which will open right before the baby arrives. It will be about 5 minutes from our house and I plan to utilize it as soon as I’m cleared for exercise! I just hope our income permits it at that point.
• With just me and the youngest home today, I think wee’re going to go have lunch at McD’s and then head by Shoppes of Steele Street so I can get some *good* chocolate. Must go do something with my nasty hair and maybe put on some make-up…

I’ve been so neglectful of my blog lately!  These music posts were ones I did all at once a week or so ago, and I meant for them to be in addition to my regular posts.  Unfortunately, I have even less than usual to talk about.

I’m in a holding pattern with my pregnancy…at that stage where you’re just kind of waiting to see if the baby is healthy at the major ultrasound.  And of course there’s all of the girl or boy anticipation.  I’m tired of people asking what we’re having.  I don’t really get that.  It seems to me that your first question would be asking how I’m doing, or if the baby is healthy.  I spent some time with my neighbor this morning and she’s probably the first person I’ve encountered in weeks who hasn’t asked if we know the sex yet!  It was nice.  And truly, I just don’t care.  If God himself came down and told me I could pick one or the other, I’d choose a girl just to even things up a little bit.  But since it’s out of my control it is a non-issue.  It will be what it will be, and as long as we have a healthy baby we couldn’t be happier.  (And please don’t feel like it’s not OK to ask…it is, but since I don’t know yet, it’s a little bit like getting a phone call every day asking if you’ve gone into labor or had that baby yet.  Mildly annoying, but you know it’s just because people care and are interested!)  I think my perspective is different from most because I’ve learned through my own experience and that of others that a healthy baby or safe pregnancy are not always guaranteed.  So I probably worry more about that than the average person.  Though I would like to know if I can call this baby he or she…and picking out a name would be nice, too!  We did start a registry this week, more as a checklist for me than anything else, so I know what I need to get.  With so much time between our 1st and 3rd, we’ve had to get rid of some things that are essential, like the car seat that was expired.  (Yes, they do expire…check yours!)

And of course our money situation is starting to worry me.  My husband has now been unemployed for almost 2.5 months and our meager savings is quickly drying up.  We absolutely cannot afford to move, and he doesn’t have any guaranteed customers yet.  He has had several meetings scheduled, but no definite contracts yet.  We’re hopeful for this to happen soon, but even then it may take a couple of months to see income.  Until then, we’re doing what we can to save money where we can but I’m getting scared.  I’d go get a job, but now that I’m pretty obviously pregnant, nobody seems to want to hire me.  I understand why not, but we’re in a really scary place right now and even a small income would benefit us greatly!

And then there’s the whole back thing, which has prevented me from spending much time at the computer.  It’s still pretty painful, and even though I’ve gotten a wonderful aromatherapy heating pad (can’t recommend it enough!) I have to limit my time with it because of my pregnancy.  And I can’t take Advil or any other anti-inflammatory type drug, so I’ve mainly had to grin and bear it.  There is some improvement, but right now it’s just painful to sit here, so I avoid it.

So between the uneventfulness, the worry, and the pain, I have little to talk about.  Hopefully this week will provide some blog fodder.  Until then, prayers and good thoughts for a healthy baby at our ultrasound on September 2 and our financial situation are much appreciated.  Watch this space for baby news the day after Labor Day!

Yeah, I’m watching the Olympics. It’s the first time my 5 year old has really been old enough to get into it and he’s been enjoying volleyball, gymnastics, rowing, swimming, and more. Personally, I’ve religiously followed the women’s gymnastics because I took and loved gymnastics as a kid. I’ve been very disappointed in the way the judges have scored the American women, though. I think there’s been a clear bias and it bothers me a lot because our gymnasts really deserved better. I guess I should be glad they’ve won the medals they have but it seems like it’s been really unfair from my perspective.

I’ve also watched a little bit of Michael Phelps coverage and my husband and I stayed up Saturday night to see him win his 8th gold. For the first time in my life I found myself identifying more with the mother rather than the athlete. Not that I was ever much of an athlete but as a young person I found it easier to identify with them. Now I find myself watching Michael Phelps’ mom and seeing her pride and joy for her son and I think that one day, I may be the mom of someone who does something truly extraordinary. Not that I will mind if my kids are just ordinary (Grey’s Anatomy reference there) but wow…they have SUCH a future ahead of them and they can DO anything and BE anything now. At their ages, they’re not too old to get involved in anything from swimming to running to gymnastics, and even things beyond the world of sports…politics, academics, the arts…the list is endless now. I feel like my oldest, especially, is on the brink of discovering who he is and where his strengths lie. He is super smart and though he lacks the discipline, really enjoys sports and is also a very attractive child. I really believe he has the capacity to excel in anything he has the desire to pursue. One day I’d love to see him up on that podium, receiving a gold medal.

But I’d also love to see him as nothing more than a typical hard working man who loves his wife and children and treats them well, just like his dad. There’s honor in both paths and heroes everywhere. So while I have huge respect for Michael Phelps and his accomplishments, it’s good to remind myself that there’s so much more to being a success than winning a record number of medals.

Several months ago, we booked a trip to Washington DC for the first school intersession in September/October.  I had researched hotels and found a nice one to stay at (used to be the Holiday Inn on the Hill, but has been bought out and is now called the Liaison Capitol Hill) and got a great rate.  It’s convenient to the Metro, the Smithsonian, and all of the other things we wanted to do.

We had planned to ride Amtrak up there so we didn’t have to mess with a car, but I hadn’t bought the tickets yet.  And of course our financial situation is way different than it was when we first made the plans, so it looks like we’re going to have to cancel.  I just can’t justify the train tickets (roughly $260) or the expense of food once we’re there, at $100 or more a day it will end up being an additional $400 or so.  Luckily I can get our money back for the hotel.  We’ll probably never get it at this rate again, but I guess that’s just something we’ll have to deal with.

I am unreasonably sad over this…it’s not like DC won’t be there in 6 months or a year when we can afford it, but by then we’ll have another baby and traveling will be even harder, especially trips like this that require a lot of going and doing.  This was really our only planned vacation this year, so it hurts even worse.  Yes, we had a long weekend in Gatlinburg, but that was more of a “going to see the family” thing.  I can’t even count that as a vacation.

I’ve held onto our reservations in the hopes that my husband would bring in some money before then, but with time starting to run out, I’m not optimistic.  He’s doing a great job of pounding the pavement but hasn’t gotten any clients yet.  We’re hopeful that it will happen soon, but not soon enough for the trip to go on as planned.  I hate it when the realities of life interfere with the fun stuff.