No, no labor for me! Either in the baby birthing sense or the physical sense. It’s been a lazy day and I didn’t even make it into my oldest son’s room to do the clothing sorting I meant to do in preparation for the ultrasound tomorrow. Oh well…I guess it will happen, right? In the meantime, here’s another brain dump!

We did go to church yesterday, and Amy and her husband met us there. We all agreed that it was good, even if the start of the service was slightly intimidating at first! The sermon was something that I especially needed to hear, so I really felt God’s presence there. The kids had fun, we got a $25 gas card, and I felt closer to God than I have in a long time. Even my husband, who has never been a church-goer, enjoyed it and said he’d like to go back. I’m really, really happy about this. I’m sick of being mad at God for the bad stuff in our life and I’m ready to trust that He will help us get everything back together (as long as we’re putting the effort in, too!) if we give him the chance. So I’m really hoping that this church will help us rediscover that faith and give us the confidence we need to move forward.

Tonight is the start of the football season for my personal team, the Tennessee Volunteers. Go Vols!

I really feel for Bristol Palin. I know she must be scared and overwhelmed and being in the media spotlight (which I think is wrong by the way…we need to focus on the candidates and their fitness for office) can’t be easy. Let’s face it, we all messed up to some degree as teenagers. I just thank God that my lapses in judgment weren’t in the national news. Gah. I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for her. I just hope that she has a good support system in place. I am also reminded of why I am against abstinence only sex ed. As much as I would prefer that for my children, I know that I can’t lock them in their rooms until I think they’re responsible, mature adults. *sigh* It’s really too bad that’s not an option. (That is a joke! Well, sorta. LOL)

Speaking of that, I must not ignore or change the subject on my 5 year old the next time he asks me how the baby got in my belly. It’s never too early, right? Now to figure out how to approach that issue in an age appropriate and sensitive way. I’m a little queasy just thinking about it! (Smart people, if you have resources, please fill me in!)

Tomorrow is the premier of the new 90210. Today, SoapNet has run a marathon of the original and I’ve been very into it! Yes, I’m 32 years old and reliving high school. If my house was clean, I’d totally have a viewing party tomorrow night, just like we did in high school and college! Instead, I will try to watch it with my husband mocking me and my 2 year old climbing on me. Oh, how things have changed…

Tomorrow is also the BIG day. We will (I hope!) be confirming that our baby is healthy and strong and also finding out whether this is a baby sister or a baby brother for the boys, assuming this baby gives up the goods. My first did not…we had to wait another 4 weeks and have a repeat ultrasound because his position was so terrible that she couldn’t visualize the heart well, much less tell the sex. Our babysitter for tomorrow backed out on us, so we’ll be taking the toddler along. I’m hoping he allows his daddy to enjoy the experience! Luckily I will be unable to wrestle with him. If you could send your prayers and good thoughts to us around 10:30, I’d be most grateful! I’ll be back as soon as I can with the full update.

Way back when I first started this blog, I made a post about church. I loved going as a kid, but as an adult (especially with children) I find it very hard to get there and do so in a way that doesn’t involve me yelling or getting stressed because someone isn’t getting ready or the clothes we need aren’t clean or whatever. So we have been churchless for several years. Some of it’s due to our nomadic lifestyle, some of it’s due to my social anxiety, some of it is our slightly liberal belief system, and some of it is just pure laziness.

But with the new stresses in our life, I’m feeling the pull for spiritual fulfillment, as well as a social outlet. I really have very few friends here, and absolutely nobody I can just call up and say “Hey, I had a bad day…want to go grab some coffee and chill out for a little while?” It’s wearing me down and I just feel like I really need all of the stuff that goes with finding a church home.

I have been intrigued by Brickcity Community Church ever since we moved here. It seemed like it had what we were looking for, but walking into new social settings literally terrifies me. I’ve had panic attacks over it before and have been known to go back to my car and leave if I can’t handle it. I’m starting to feel queasy and shaky now just thinking about trying to do this on Sunday. So does anyone attend that church? Can you tell me a little more? Like, if we all show up in jeans are people going to look at us funny? What types of service do you do in the community? If my beliefs are a little different than others, is that going to be a problem? (And truly, my beliefs may be like everyone else’s there…but I’ve had bad experiences with Christians before when I have spoken up and said I feel that God calls us to love everyone and that judging is His job, not ours. Apparently that only extends to people who are “like us.”) I love that their services are at 10AM and 11:30. An 8:30 contemporary service (which is what many churches seem to offer) is not going to work for us…we just can’t get out the door in time! I’ve never understood why so many churches have their contemporary services so early. With 3 kids to get dressed and ready, as well as getting ourselves together, it is not feasible for us.

If I can get up the courage and convince my husband, we’re going to try to go on Sunday. I need this! And if you attend a church that you think has what we’re looking for, let me know. I attended a “traditional” church as a kid, but I think the contemporary services seem to be more my style these days. Even a traditional church with a contemporary service would work as long as the opportunities to serve and worship suit us.

I grew up in Knoxville, Tennessee. I loved it there, and I’d give just about anything to have the opportunity to move back. It is my home. It will always be my home.

So when I saw an RSS feed article about a church shooting in Tennessee, I clicked on it, holding my breath, knowing that it’s a big state and there are literally thousands of churches across the state. And when the article came up, and the first thing I saw was that it was a church in West Knoxville, my heart stopped. I attended a great church there and I’ve often said I wish I could transplant it every time I move, because we’ve found nothing that even compares.

I read further and was relieved to find out that it wasn’t “my” church. But it was a church I knew well…one I drove past every day on my way to work, one that my friends attended, and one that I could see myself attending if “my” church wasn’t so awesome. I am absolutely heartbroken for the congregation there. The gunman walked in and opened fire during a children’s theatrical production during the regular service, so there were a lot of kids there who witnessed everything. Over 200 people in the sanctuary at the time. When he stopped to reload, he was tackled by several parishioners and the police department was able to arrest him 4 minutes after they got the initial report of the shooting. Thank God for those quick thinking men who managed to stop him from doing more damage.

One person is confirmed dead right now. Several more are in critical condition. Please, if you believe in prayer, pray for the victims of this tragedy. There is a lot of speculation as to why he did this…the most likely reason seems to be the ambiguous term “hate” crime. This was a very accepting church and it sounds like they’ve recently had a sign up letting homosexuals know that they were welcome there. Regardless of the reasons, it’s a terrible tragedy and there’s a lot of confusion and grief in my hometown today. People should feel safe in their places of worship, no matter their beliefs.

Tennessee Valley Unitarian Universalist Church

Local newspaper’s coverage

Edited to add this info: It seems that the church’s policy of acceptance was not the reason this man targeted the church. Instead, one of his neighbors says he has a hatred for Christianity.   Ironically, I’d say that Unitarians are not generally considered a Christian denomination. Regardless, it was a senseless tragedy and now 2 people have passed away. So unnecessary.

Emotionally, I’ve turned the corner today. I am still super worried about our financial situation, but we still have the important stuff. Our family is together, we are healthy, and we love each other more than anything. And in the end, that’s what really matters. Jobs go away. *Stuff* doesn’t matter. What matters is this little group of 4 (soon to be 5!) and keeping that together, no matter what. If we lose our house, we have 2 cars that are paid for and we can surely all live in them. (That’s a joke, by the way! It will not come down to living in our van down by the river because we have a gigantic tent we can pitch in somebody’s backyard. Hahaha!) He does have some plans in the works, including getting the new business properly launched, which could turn out to be very lucrative. Also several people are making calls for us and several people are asking for his resume already. They may be just contract positions but we will at least have an income source, I believe.

It helps that he’s heard from many of his co-workers who are absolutely shocked by not only the fact that he was one of the “chosen” but also how these layoffs are happening. At least he was among the first to get the axe so we’re not living in fear of what tomorrow will bring. Small favors, huh? (And if you know the employer of which I speak, please don’t mention it in the comments by name. I have no interest in badmouthing them. I am confused by the situation, but I hold no ill will.)

Thank you so much for all of the emails and comments. I feel very comforted by knowing that we are in people’s thoughts and prayers right now. I really feel like God has a plan. I think there’s a reason behind this…and I think it has to do with the new business that we are getting ready to launch. The LLC papers were filed a few weeks ago and he has been busy preparing a presentation for what could become a huge client that can provide a great symbiotic relationship for us. So potentially there are very good things happening with that.

And we’re together and we’re healthy and we’re in love. And that’s the important stuff.

I’m so emotionally drained. I haven’t been able to eat all day and it finally caught up to me a little while ago. I’ve been researching Medicaid and public assistance programs, trying to figure out where and how we can cut expenses, and wondering why this is happening to us *again* and why they chose him to be laid off. I’m trying to trust that God has a plan for us, but I’m having a really hard time with that right now. I’m mad at Him because a week ago, the night before the u/s where we confirmed the baby’s heartbeat I prayed and told God that if it came down to a healthy baby or D’s job again, that we needed the job more. Maybe I was wrong. I can only hope that this baby continues to be healthy and that the pregnancy continues to progress normally, because if it doesn’t I may just lay down and give up. Not literally…I know I have 2 boys who need me. But I’m feeling so damn DEFEATED right now.

Perhaps the most stressful is the fact that our insurance runs out as of 7/1. I had to scramble and reschedule several appointments that were scheduled for July, both for me and the kids. Luckily the doctor’s offices were accommodating. But being pregnant and losing your insurance completely is terrifying…especially when you only have 2 weeks notice. We’re going to throw ourselves on the mercy of the company and ask if we can have one more month of insurance, but I won’t hold my breath. But really, it seems like such a small thing AND it gives me time to get something else figured out. Luckily Medicaid seems to be an option for us. We’ve never used any sort of public assistance despite the many layoffs we’ve experienced but my pride has run out. Everyone tells me that this is why programs like Medicaid exist, for people who have a real need. And if it’s only temporary, even better. But gosh, it’s hard to deal with emotionally.

I haven’t shared our dismal job history on this blog, so I’ll lay out a bit of it here. We got married in April 2001. A couple of weeks before the wedding, I had received notice that the division of the company I worked for was shutting down that summer. Job loss #1. I took much of the summer to cope with the death of my father (coincidentally, his death happened the last day I was employed) and landed a job in October 2001. The same day I started that job, D was laid off of his job. Job loss #2. I continued working until January of 2002, which is when the company I was working for folded due to embezzlement by one of the VPs. Job Loss #3. I found out I was pregnant with my oldest son about 2 days later. We were both unemployed.

We moved to Fayetteville, NC for a job when I was about 20 weeks pregnant. We hated it there. I couldn’t get a job because nobody would hire me. Once he was born, I figured there was no point…we’d lived on one income (or less!) for so long that staying at home seemed the natural choice. He was laid off from that job days after our son turned 1. Job loss #4.

We then moved to Florence, SC. Had a wonderful work situation in the Maytag plant there. We assumed Maytag was stable. It wasn’t. About a week after we found out I was pregnant with my youngest son, we got word that the plant would close. Since he worked for a supplier inside the plant, we thought for quite a while there was a chance we could be relocated or continue to be employed, but it didn’t work out. Job loss #5.

And so at about 24 weeks pregnant, we moved to Sanford. We did TONS of research on the company, asking people who sold the products and people who worked there their opinion of the company. All gave glowing recommendations. And then the economy started to turn sour. Rumors have been spreading and though we tried not to believe them, we did have some worry. But we tried to trust that this wouldn’t happen AGAIN. Guess we were wrong. Dead wrong. Job loss #6. In 7 years.

The worst part is that in each of these cases, there has been no wrongdoing on our part. No disciplinary action leading up to it, no job performance issues. Each time, we walked in one day and were blindsided. I blame the economy. I blame the terrible manufacturing climate in this country. I blame pure bad luck. I blame George W. Bush. (Because it makes me feel better, not necessarily because I think it’s his fault.) Because I just do not know WHY this keeps happening to us. We’re good people. We work hard. We put our trust in companies to take care of us if we do our job, because that’s how things worked when we were kids and our parents had jobs. Sadly it’s not like that anymore. And when it happens over and over and over again, you start to wonder what you’ve done wrong to be punished like this. As hard as I rack my brain, there just doesn’t seem to be a good explanation. How do 2 professional, hard working people with college degrees have this happen so frequently? I just don’t get it, and I’ve given up trying to understand.

I’ve struggled mightily with my faith over the last few years. I’ve been making efforts this year to rebuild my trust in God and rediscover my spirituality. I find my perspective has changed now that I am older and have children, but I am making good progress. So when I get something stuck in my head and can’t get it out I start to wonder if there’s more at play.

Yesterday while perusing my guilty pleasure (Celebrity Baby Blog) I ran across the story of Audrey Caroline. I spent about an hour reading the blog, most of the time with tears streaming down my face, completely unable to even fathom the situation this family is facing with their unborn baby girl. And then, as I got deeper into the story, I see that Audrey was born on April 7, which is my wedding anniversary and a very special date to me for many reasons. She lived for a little over 2 hours and then God took her home.

Friday, a video was posted to the blog that is so powerful and I can’t get it out of my head. It contains images of her family both before and after her birth, celebrating this baby girl who would never get the chance to grow up. The song that accompanies the photos is called I Will Carry You and was written by her parents and a friend.

Of all the photos, the one that is most powerful to me is the one 57 seconds in, of Audrey’s 3 sisters sitting in front of Cinderella’s castle with pink mouse ears on. To their right is another set of pink mouse ears on the ground. It is beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time.

I feel like something led me to their blog. I hadn’t visited CBB in a while and on the day I did, there was the link to the blog and the video right at the top. What pushed me to visit that day? I don’t know. But I feel like God is speaking to me, trying to show me the grace and faith this family has demonstrated in the face of the one thing that is my worst nightmare. And I feel compelled to share the story and video here so other people can see it as well.

Yesterday evening, between 7:00 and 7:30, there was a beautiful, unbelievably vivid rainbow over West Sanford. It was amazing. We had left the house to go to OfficeMax (Or is it Office Depot? I always get them mixed up!) and as we were driving down Spring Lane it arched directly in front of us, one side appearing to come down somewhere around Horner and the other end somewhere around Carbonton Road. Gorgeous!

And just to let you know we really aren’t heathens, I asked my oldest if he remembered what a rainbow meant, and he told me that it was the sign from God that He would never flood the earth again. So not only did I fix the damage done when he heard the Noah story at school, but he took away the most *important* aspect of it and (hopefully) will not be fearful of God but understand that He is loving and kind, not wrathful. It was a good evening.

And I took that picture…it’s not the best because it was sprinkling and I had no clue what settings to use on my camera to get the best photo! But there it is, in case you missed it.

Let me start by saying that I am a Christian. I believe God is out there and I believe he sent Christ to die for our sins. I am also a great believer in God being gentle, kind, loving, and accepting of all people. I am not sure I believe the Bible is 100% God’s word. I worry that the men who wrote it misinterpreted (either deliberately or not) God’s teachings or that important things have been lost in translation. I find that this tends to be a sticking point when meeting other Christians, especially here in the Bible Belt. It makes it hard for us to find a church where we fit in.

We discuss God and Jesus at home and I generally feel that this is sufficient and I’m comfortable with the aspects of Christianity that we are exposing the children to here. That said, my oldest goes to a church preschool. It is not my first choice, but since we cannot afford our first choice, we’ve compromised. Since we are Christian, I don’t mind most of the things he’s exposed to there. (Though I could do without having to explain why God “deaded” all the bad people in the Great Flood…I feel like the story of Noah’s Ark could have been handled in a better way.)

Every year, the preschool classes sing during the service one Sunday. So one Sunday a year, we get up, race around trying to eat breakfast, find “church” clothes because this church is one of those where you have to dress up, end up yelling at each other in the process, and head off to the service feeling miserable because we all argued with each other. It’s hardly what I think God would want for our family. This morning I couldn’t find anything suitable to wear and ended up wearing a skort and very casual top. I just can’t see keeping nice clothes in my closet when I *never* need to dress up. The kids were both in shorts because we don’t buy dressy pants for them as it’s a huge waste of money on something that might get worn once or twice. We argued with my oldest about wearing tennis shoes. Unpleasantness all around.

When we got there, I was immediately directed to the nursery for my youngest who is not yet two years old. I’m sorry, but I’m not comfortable leaving my small non-verbal child with someone I don’t know and have never met before. Call me crazy or overprotective. Tell me I’m over-reacting. That’s fine. Maybe I am. But I’m not going to do it and nothing you say can make me change my mind. Bad things can happen to kids even in a church nursery. So then I felt weird for taking my youngest into the service. And of course he didn’t want to sit still. I knew he wouldn’t, and I don’t blame him. Last year he threw a tantrum during the service and I took him out to nurse him and calm him back down…only to find out there was no good place for me to nurse him. No mother’s room. No “cry room.” And I can only imagine the nasty looks I would have gotten if I’d tried to nurse him in the sanctuary. So I had to go find a quiet private place to sit and then I couldn’t hear the sermon. It’s frustrating.

If we could find an upbeat, exciting church that encouraged families to worship together, that was supportive of nursing mothers or mothers with young children who may need to leave the sanctuary (but would still like to hear the service!) to tend to their needs, where we could dress casually in comfortable everyday clothes without feeling like we were being judged, and where we could feel accepted even though our beliefs may be slightly different, I might get up on Sunday mornings and go. Maybe there’s one here like that and I just haven’t heard about it. If so, fill me in. I prefer a contemporary service but traditional would work if it fits the bill otherwise. I really enjoyed church when I was younger but as our family has grown and expanded, I find that it has just turned into a chore that I dread when we do have to go. The one exception being my home church back in Knoxville — it is awesome. So maybe we could just transplant good old Cokesbury UMC right here into Sanford or even Apex or Southern Pines? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

(Seriously though, if you have suggestions, I’d like to hear them!)