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Archive for the ‘Faith/Religion’ Category

Dear 2004/2005 Self:

23 Oct

I am cleaning up my office and just found some medical records from the Great Infertility Drama. It took me right back to that time…the utter anguish and grief that I lived day after day…well, you’re right in the middle of that so you probably know all about it. I wish I could hug you and tell you it will all be OK. Because I know, I know, just how terrible you feel. That you believe you may never be happy again. I know you’re barely functioning, your life revolving around doctor’s appointments and drugs and shots and tests and procedures. And, because I’m older and wiser than you, I also know that it will eventually end.

I wish I could tell you that there will be a  baby. And he will be adorable and funny and the best ‘buddy’ ever. He will be your special child and face some obstacles but he will overcome them, one after another. What’s more, there will be another baby. A little girl who surprises you and completes the healing of your broken heart.

But more than that, I wish I could tell you what I’ve learned since those dark days. Spend more time with that little boy you have. Don’t let the depression take you away from him. He is there and he needs you. Oh, you’re doing a fine job — he grows up great (and with a smart mouth, but he probably got that from his daddy) and isn’t scarred by these years, but I think it would help to heal your heart a little. And spend time with that fabulous husband while you can enjoy each other’s company without (what sometimes seems like) a million children underfoot. Have more date nights. Go midnight swimming as often as you can. Take naps on rainy afternoons. Watch movies together. You have no idea what’s ahead!

But most important, I want you to know that God will always provide what you need if you will just trust Him. He is always there and He is always waiting for you. Stop rolling your eyes at me! I said I’m older and wiser, didn’t I? You need to trust me on this! I’ve learned a lot since I was you. I’ve been through a lot. And I say with complete confidence that you’re missing out. Oh, I know you’ll figure it out eventually…I just hate to see you waste time feeling so horrible.

These dark days won’t last forever. You will be happy again. And so much has happened…you’d never believe it if I told you so I won’t even try. You’ll just have to be surprised. But believe me when I tell you that your journey through this hell is worth it. Not just because there’s a baby on the other end, but because you learn so much throughout this process and it shapes who you will become. Smile more, obsess less, and live your life. It will change all too soon!

With much love,

Your 2011 Self

 
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Posted in Faith/Religion, Family, Love & Marriage, Me Stuff, Parenting, Randomness

 

Recovery

05 Jun

Is anyone still here? It’s been a while but there’s been a lot going on. Semester’s end, a tornado in my town, and various other issues have led to me having little time or energy to blog. But today will be a long one, so fasten your seatbelts…

It’s no secret that I have some minor mental health issues. They are well under control these days. I’m able to do so much more than I was last fall when I reached my breaking point that made me realize I really needed to seek some help. The low dose of Paxil I’m taking has led to many changes in my life and I’m so grateful for it as well as for friends and my faith…they have all helped me get to a really healthy place, mentally.

There’s still (always!) the money stresses. My husband doesn’t teach at the community college in the summer so the bulk of our income is gone until the end of September. We’ll make it through, but I’m worried about how I’ll pay for books and tuition. I managed to keep my cumulative 4.0 GPA intact, though it was a close one this semester. I’m hoping that this and a glowing recommendation from one of my teachers leads to a scholarship so that I don’t have to worry about that. Because without it, nursing school is probably not going to happen. At least not now, because I have this other huge project going on and I’m starting to wonder if it might be God’s plan for me instead…

To start out, I need to say that something happened to me about 15 years ago. I don’t want to go into any more detail, but it has left me with a lot of guilt, unhappiness, and helpless feelings. I’m working through it and I realized only recently that I’ve already been forgiven by God and that He wouldn’t want me to continue feeling so awful about it. As we all know, though, changing how you feel about something is easier said than done. More on this in a minute…

So, the aforementioned project got started the night of April 16 when an EF3 tornado ripped through my small town. My family was safe and our home was undamaged, but we realized that it could have been us. There were so many what ifs…my middle child goes to preschool about 100 yards from where it destroyed a bunch of apartments and a park he’d been playing in 2 days before. My husband and that same child were in a store approximately 24 hours before the tornado destroyed it. In fact, you probably saw footage of that very store on the national news or The Weather Channel that night, assuming you don’t live here. If you do, well, you know the one I’m talking about. I felt incredibly blessed and my husband and I really felt like we needed to DO SOMETHING. He started a Facebook page about 6 hours after the tornado hit because it’s something we both were able to manage. The little Facebook page mushroomed into something completely unexpected and the upshot is that I’m now running a donation and distribution point for the victims of the tornado and we’re even branching out to help people in other situations now…women who’ve experienced domestic and/or sexual violence, the homeless, and even people like us who are dealing with unemployment and just need a few cans of food and some toilet paper to get them through the week occasionally.

Needless to say, it is completely unpaid. Because we haven’t had the time (nor the funds) to set up a 501(c)3 we don’t accept monetary donations. And it takes up a lot of my time. I have several great volunteers, but the only thing the person who donated the site to us requested is that either my husband or I be there whenever the site is open. Since my husband is out busting his tail trying to make a little extra cash in any way he can, the duties of the “store” usually fall to me. We’re open 26 hours a week and I often stay until the wee hours doing work with other volunteers who are nightowls so that we can keep the store neat, well-stocked, and organized. Don’t get me wrong — I love doing it, but it is exhausting. I work at least 40 hours a week, juggle the kids’ schedules, and for a while I was even trying to finish up the semester! Needless to say, there is much going on.

And one day last week, someone told me that we were amazing for setting all of this up and I thanked them for saying that but I’m thinking no…I just have a lot to atone for and I hope that this one thing I’m doing helps in some small way to make up for the awful thing(s) I’ve done. (See, told you I’d come back to this!) Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!?!? Wait a second…we are saved by Grace, not by works. So while I get myself involved in these sorts of things because deep down I feel like I have to, my head knows that ultimately it.doesn’t.matter. BUT this whole thing has been so natural for me and I’ve met so many wonderful people that I wonder if there wasn’t a separate message in this whole situation. What this message is, I don’t know yet. Is God telling me that He wants me to keep doing this and forget about nursing school? Or is He using me to meet the needs of people I had never met before…both those affected by the tornado and those who have come to volunteer? Or is there some other lesson entirely?

For now, I’m waiting to see if the path becomes clear. If the scholarship happens, I know then that nursing is what God means for me to do. But if it doesn’t? Well, there will be a lot of praying asking God where He’s leading me. Because ultimately, my whole life is about showing the love of God and Jesus Christ to people when they need it most. Whether that’s by helping to take care of someone through illness or other medical situation or by helping “the least of these” who are often ignored by this supposedly ‘Christian’ nation, I’m not sure yet. I do know that I feel mentally better than I have in years and that undoubtedly has to do with these recent events. I have a lot to think about and I’m glad that mental clarity can help me make the tough decisions.

I could really use some insight into all of this, so if you’ve had any Deep Thoughts while reading along, please share them by leaving a comment! Even if it’s not religious in nature, it will absolutely be helpful. And I promise to come back here as often as possible (Especially since my Facebook wall is now locked down to a lot of people who I don’t see on a regular basis!)

 
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Posted in Back to Blogging, Faith/Religion, Me Stuff, Rambling

 

God is SUCH a show-off!

20 Feb

Yesterday was an emotional roller coaster. Thrilled to receive my acceptance letter, panic at realizing just how much money I needed and how quickly, doubt about God’s plan for me, fear at moving forward…I don’t think I let myself even truly savor the awesomeness of the fact that I GOT INTO NURSING SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ahem. OK, calming down a little bit now.

Seriously, though, this is what I’ve been working my tail off for! All of those tests and papers and stress got me here, finally. THIS.IS.HUGE.

OK, calming down again. It’s been a big day here!

As I mentioned in yesterday’s post I was super worried about the cost of the bloodwork and shots that I would need. I was going to have to get titers drawn to prove immunity to some things, get re-vaccinated for others, have a physical. I expected all of that to cost big bucks. Unless…unless my mom could find my shot records. Since it has been a good 30 years since I had a childhood vaccination and there are other complicating factors (like my mom’s chronic illness which can cause her to be a little scattered and disorganized and several moves) I didn’t think that would ever happen. I can’t even lay my hands on my children’s shot records and they’re much younger than I am.

But guess what? She has them. All of them. And that long list of bloodwork (measles, mumps, rubella, and varicella titers) and shots (the entire series for diptheria, tetanus, and pertussis, [aka DTP) plus an extra booster [tdap] to equal 4 different shots at least a month apart and the hepatitis B series) now comes down to 3 things: varicella (chickenpox) titers to prove that I’ve had the disease since they didn’t offer the vax for that when I was a kid, the tdap booster, and the hep B series. That’s it. The cost for this is a fraction of what I was going to have to pay. I may be able to get it all done, including physical, for less than $100. I was expecting $500, if not more, for all of it! This.is.amazing.

And once again, I just needed to remember that God will give me what I need to get through this. Such a simple thing, but so, so hard to do. And I’m reminded that I’m following His call. That He is in control and will make this happen if I will place my trust in Him. It amazes me how things can look and feel so bleak one day and then the next day it works itself out beautifully. Seriously, He is a big show-off.

Thank you Lord for your many blessings. And thank you for reassuring me that I’m following your will. I don’t know why this path has been chosen for me, but I’m doing my best and I hope I honor you as I walk it. Most of all, help me to remember who is really in control here!

 
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Posted in Back to School, Faith/Religion, Me Stuff

 

Where God Guides, God Provides

19 Feb

A local church had this on their sign a couple of months ago and I have been saying it to myself for months, knowing that if it truly is God’s desire to see me as a nurse, then He’ll provide the ways to make it happen. Either through working out class schedules, providing money to pay tuition, or by giving me the strength and courage to do it. So far, so good.

And today, I got my acceptance letter. In the fall, I’ll be starting my nursing classes. Assuming, of course, that He continues to provide. Because I still have a lot of hurdles to get over before I can even start.

First up, I have to come up with $225 by March 3. This will pay for half of my uniform cost and for a ‘kit’ we’re required to get. (No idea what this ‘kit’ includes!) Don’t even get me started on the ridiculousness of getting measured for uniforms that I won’t wear for another 5.5 months…I’ve lost a full size (plus some) in the last 6 weeks…I have a terrible feeling my uniform will be gigantic on me come August.

Then, by March 23, I need to have a physical and get a LOT of shots and titers. I know the health department doesn’t do some of them, so that means going to some other place that will probably cost a minimum of $500 to get it all done since I don’t have insurance. I think I can decline some (which I will) but several of them are required and unless my mom can come up with my old shot records, I’m going to have to get them all again unless I pay for titers and they prove I’m immune. I’m hoping I can simply submit a copy of the TB test I had done last summer for my CNA class…that will save about $40. I will also have to get a background check and drug screen by this date. Not worried about passing either one of those, but they’re not cheap.

Additional expenses include:

  • Malpractice insurance ($20)
  • Books (Approximately $1000)
  • Tuition (About $600)
  • Remainder of uniform cost ($100)
  • Equipment ($35)
  • CPR class ($70…even though I’m already certified!)

And this is just to get started in the fall…it doesn’t include ongoing tuition, book, or equipment costs. I don’t get the sense that I can just get someone’s old uniforms or that I can order my books elsewhere, but I guess I’ll find out. I’m definitely feeling a little panicky. Probably the closest I’ve come to a full blown panic attack since last fall. I am applying for scholarships so that tuition and book cost may end up being significantly reduced. I just need to find the scholarships out there to apply for, so if you know of any, please comment or send me an email (themama at iamthemama dot com) giving me the info so I can get as many scholarship applications in as possible.

In the meantime, I’m praying for God’s provision to keep me going if this is His will for my life. If you could add your prayers to mine, I’d greatly appreciate it!

 
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Posted in Back to School, Faith/Religion, Me Stuff

 

Moms Are Awfully Smart

08 Feb

You’d think I would know this now that I’ve been a mom for 8 years already, but for some reason I tend to forget that my mom’s advice is usually spot on. Years ago when I was upset over my lack of local friends after one of our many moves she told me to find a church. We weren’t interested in church at the time and so I rolled my eyes and blew her off. Of course, she was completely right. Two and a half years ago I found myself searching for something more in life and we decided to look for a church. Enter some of the most amazing friends I’ve ever known. I met them all through church and I don’t know where I would be without them…probably locked in a nuthouse somewhere. So maybe moms do know a thing or two.

Over the last 6 months, I’ve felt like something was missing once again. I didn’t feel good about going to church any more. My faith was growing ever stronger, so that wasn’t it. I was able to see my friends every Sunday. But the peace that I’ve gained since we started attending wasn’t there. My head and my heart were in conflict and suddenly my husband and I were having these discussions about whether we should look for a new church. But I couldn’t…because my friends were there. Because it’s the place that brought me back to Christ and where I learned what faith could do for me. Because I was scared to look elsewhere. I was simply accepted for who I was (Democrat, social liberal) and finding another church where I’d feel accepted seemed daunting. But I no longer felt good when I was there and the personal turmoil was beginning to interfere with my ability to worship.

I was talking to my mom about this and she told me that church is not only for worship, learning, and developing a relationship with God…it is also about personal peace and being in a place that makes us feel good and whole. When you no longer feel that way, it is no longer a good fit. Luckily I’ve realized that moms usually do know what they’re talking about by now. Hearing her say that reinforced everything that I’d been thinking and we made the very difficult decision to attend other churches and try to find a place where we could find peace in worship again.

Sunday morning I slept late and realized that all of the local churches we were interested in trying had early services that we couldn’t be ready for in time. We wanted to start our search in town, but I didn’t want to skip church. We decided to go to one out of town that we’ve heard lots and lots of good things about. Every step of the way our decision was reinforced. The music, the message, even things that happened later in the day…they all let us know that our choice, though agonizing, was the right one. We may not put down roots in the church we visited first, but it brought me peace in worship once again. My heart and my head were in accord and that felt so good.

I am so glad that I listened to my mom. She’s a pretty smart woman. I hope that someday I can provide wisdom to my kids on the subject of church and faith. That God will give me the words to guide them on their spiritual journey, wherever it might lead. In the meantime, I’ll remember that my mom seems to have a knack for giving good advice to me. Who would have thought???

 
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Posted in Faith/Religion, Me Stuff

 
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