I am the Mama

It took multiple emails, phone calls, and some serious anxiety on my part, but I am now approved to take my class without the pre-requisite.  Now that I’ve managed to quell that bit of drama, it’s onto the drama of obtaining books.  The package at the school contains the text, a lab manual and a CD that everyone has told me is not used at all.  It is over $250, and the package has it’s own ISBN number that corresponds to absolutely nothing I can find anywhere, so until the first day of class I had no idea which books I even needed.  As it turns out, the text and lab manual are completely separate authors/collections, so it’s a good thing I didn’t try to guess at which one was the one I had to get.

The good news is that I found the textbook in an international version for under $50, which is a pretty good deal.  But the lab manual isn’t available in many places and it is ~gasp~ over $80.  As it turned out, Amazon had it cheapest, plus I can have it shipped 2-day service for free (thanks to free Amazon Prime for students!) so I just pushed the button and ordered it but feel slightly ill over it.  I know it was a good deal, but I can’t help but think of all the school clothes I could buy for the kids with that $80, or how much food that would buy, or how far that would go towards our mortgage payment for the month.  Gosh, for that money I could fix my computer so it would be useful for something other than basic internet surfing AND replace the empty ink cartridges that prevent my printer from working at all right now.  Crazy-making, right?  I need to just stop thinking about it and focus on the fact that I am blessed to have the money at all and to have the ability and resources available to take the class.

Positivity…it should be my mantra.  I’m trying hard to see that glass as half-full!

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Seventeen years ago, I entered college with the intent of being a nurse.  I completed all of my prerequisites and applied to the program, but ultimately ended up changing my major and getting a BS in Marketing.  I took a lot of Biology and Chemistry courses along with the required business classes, including Anatomy and Physiology.

When I got all of my transcripts sent to CCCC to apply for nursing, I found out I’d have to retake a lot of classes.  I got credit for English, Sociology, and my Humanities electives, but had to retake 2 psychology courses, a computer course, chemistry, math, and A&P.  I didn’t complain about this.  I figure it’s a good refresher for me after all these years.

But today, I found out that I need a basic biology class.  Which I was told I wouldn’t need.  Which throws off all of my plans.  Which means I may have to drop out of the one class I registered for this semester and that may put me an entire year behind.  Angry would be an understatement.  Livid might be more appropriate for how I feel right now.

I’m praying hard that I can get a waiver.  That my 4.0 average shows I’m capable of doing this without the high school level course they require as a prerequisite.  That my Bachelor of Science Degree will count for something, even if it’s over 5 years old.  If not, this may be the nail in the coffin for me and school.  I can’t afford to put off graduation for another year and right now, that’s looking like the most likely scenario.

I think I’m going to go cry.

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Do you ever feel like you’re surrounded by people in your life but somehow you’re lonely?  I’ve been so caught up in school and family stuff that I feel like I haven’t seen my friends in forever.  They’ve had girl’s night out that I couldn’t get to because of class, playdates that I was too tired to attend, and other things that I’m not involved in because I don’t have the time.  I feel completely out of the loop on everything and it’s not a good feeling.  It’s an unfortunate side effect of all of this school stuff and a huge conflict in my life…I am so happy to be in school, to be learning and challenging myself, but I feel like I finally have this awesome life and a bunch of great friends and I can’t participate!  Frustration!

Lest you blame them for not including me, I want to point out that I am always invited to things but I just can’t make it to them.  I chose this schedule, knowing that it would be exhausting and time-consuming, but the reality of it has been so much more than I expected.  It hit me particularly hard yesterday and I just kept thinking about how truly lonely I have been this summer.  I didn’t say anything…after all, I’m the one who chose this and I have no right to whine when I’m the one who put myself in this position.  There have been text messages and facebook posts and emails that have kept us close.  It’s not like I haven’t seen them at all, just not as much as I’d like.  I really cherish my girlfriend time!

But yesterday afternoon, I got this phone call.  (Which I missed because we’d gone out to run errands and I left my phone at home!)  When I got home and listened to the message, it felt like this big hug…it was one of my closest friends letting me know that she missed me and hoping I could make it to playdate this week.  The lonely feeling just melted away as I realized that they miss me just as much as I’m missing them.  Never underestimate the power of a simple phone call!

I can’t wait until this class is over (2 more weeks!) and I have a few weeks to really rest and do things I enjoy without worrying about tests or labs or clinicals.  It will be short-lived, as the fall semester starts August 23 and I’ll probably be working by then as well, but I feel like I need to have a big party to spend some time with them and celebrate the end of the madness.  Hopefully it will be the end of this island living!

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Holy crap.  Just to give you an idea of how tired I am, I had to type the word “clinicals” in the subject box 4 times before I got it right.  I am exhausted.  And a little bit sore.  Some of it made me sad, some of it was very physically demanding, and some of it was really not fun.  But I enjoyed it, believe it or not.

I do hope that we’ll be on a different hall tonight though.  Long term care is draining, both physically and mentally/emotionally.  I know that I will need to be able to deal with it day in and day out if I plan to work as a CNA, but that will come.  Until then, I’d like to get different perspectives on the type of care I may have to do if I work as a CNA.  Luckily, long term care is not my only option for work, though I’ll probably have to start out there.  And ultimately, it will all better prepare me to be a nurse.

Right now, though, I have realized that clinical days will simply have to be days that I do nothing else.  I took a quick trip to the grocery store for milk this morning and I’m pretty sure that’s all I’m going to accomplish today outside of my time at the nursing home.  When you consider that I haven’t worked outside the home for over 8 years, I think a little time to ease into it is expected.  I’m sure I’ll adjust quickly, though!  Until then, I hope my friends and family will be understanding of my complete lack of inclination to do anything else.

I just read over my post to see how it read and I can tell by the abundant overuse of commas and weird grammar just how tired I am.  I’m leaving it as is because my brain is too tired to fix it.  Time to go put on my scrubs and head to the nursing home.  I’m really looking forward to a few days off after this!

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Clinicals start tomorrow.  I am terrified and excited.  Eight hours in a nursing home, wearing scrubs and white nurse shoes and doing real work.  Is it weird that I’m so excited?  I know that this isn’t actual nursing, but it’s a very significant step on the journey.

I am hoping it will also give me some perspective on hospice care.  Though we won’t be in a hospice facility, I think that nursing homes and hospice do have some similarities.  I still feel like that is not the place I want to be, but I had some revelations that made me feel like I didn’t want to rule it out completely.

First and foremost, if I’m a hospice nurse, 100% of my patients are going to die.  It may not be in my presence or under my watch, but it’s going to happen.  And knowing that means that there is less pressure for me, I think.  Because I’m into self-blame.  If I’d done this, or noticed that, or said this…maybe that wouldn’t have happened.  I realize I’m not going to be a doctor, but as a part of the care team (and probably the member who is most hands on) I know I’ll second guess things.  When you’re caring for patients who are dying, your biggest responsibility from a medical standpoint is to keep them comfortable.  Yes, there are other responsibilities in hospice care, which is why it requires a special person.  But I think (I hope?) that I already possess those qualities.  If I didn’t, I doubt people would be telling me to consider it.  So there’s that aspect.

And from another standpoint, if you know 100% of your patients are going to die, there is (I would imagine, anyway) less of a shock when it happens.  As my husband pointed out, the first time I am present at a birth where the baby or mother dies for some reason, I’m going to be an absolute wreck.  Or someone who is young and healthy codes during surgery and they can’t be brought back.  Or a patient develops a clot post-surgery and it kills them.  It happens every day in this country.  The unexpected things are the things that you can’t prepare for.  Certainly I expect to experience patient deaths, but that doesn’t mean I won’t find it difficult to deal with.  In hospice, it’s not going to be unexpected or they wouldn’t be there.

My husband pointed out that hospice nurses are in high demand.  I can see why…death can be very hard to deal with, and when all of your patients are at the very end of their lives and have given up on surviving it might be overwhelmingly sad.  But maybe it won’t.  Maybe these people have reached a place where they’re at peace with dying.  They’ve reached that stage of acceptance and are prepared as much as possible for the inevitability.  That kind of attitude can rub off on the people around them.

I don’t know…maybe this is my naivete.  I’m nowhere near being a nurse yet and there’s no telling how I’ll feel about it when the time comes.  But I’m thinking more about what I want to do and keeping my mind open.  And maybe this experience at the nursing home will give me the chance to see some opportunities that I never considered before.  I can’t wait to get up there and get my first taste of working in the medical profession!

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