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Archive for the ‘A Decade Remembered’ Category

I Remember

11 Sep

Today marks nine years since the worst day of my life.  Even through my dad’s all too short bout with cancer and his death, I never had a day that felt like the worst.day.ever.  That happened about five months later, on September 11.  Because not only did I spend the day glued to the TV watching the tragedy unfold, but all I could think about was the fact that if my daddy was still alive, this wouldn’t have happened.  Irrational and slightly insane?  Certainly…but it felt like the whole world was irrational and insane.  Suddenly nothing made sense and I still don’t know that I’ll ever understand the hate those men had for all of these people they’d never met.

I remember the moments of unity that followed.  Congress singing God Bless America on the steps of the Capitol, Republican and Democrat together, holding hands, holding each other up, hugging and presenting a unified front.  How I wish that could have lasted.  I feel like our country is irreparably divided right now and my heart hurts.  I don’t wish for a tragedy like 9/11 (obviously) but I would like to see what could be accomplished if we all put aside our political differences and the ugliness for a few days.

I wish I had something profound to say about it all, but I just don’t.  Really, there’s nothing I could say that hasn’t already been said by someone else.  Just this: I remember.  I pray that those who lost loved ones find peace somehow.  I pray for the safety of our nation, our leaders, and our democracy every day.  I pray that those on the lunatic fringe (whichever side they may be on) never manage to do anything like that again, here or anywhere.  And I pray for love…that love will overcome hate, everywhere, every time, for everyone.

 
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Posted in A Decade Remembered, Me Stuff, Politics/Government

 

A Decade Remembered: Adulthood

03 Jan

I turned 18 in 1993.  I was 21 in 1996.  Graduated college in 1998, got a job and lived on my own for 2 years after that.  But I don’t think I really became an adult until 2001.  It was a big year for me.  I got married.  Lost my father to cancer.  Experienced my first layoff, as did my husband.  And then there was September 11.  I think a lot of people had to grow up fast that day.  Most of these were negative experiences but they helped me to grow…a process that was necessary for what I would face in 2002.

On New Years Eve 2001 my husband and I returned to the place where we met.  His fraternity house was having a party and we thought it would be fun to go there to ring in the New Year.  I remember getting drunk and telling people it was the last time I’d be doing that because I intended to have a baby the next year.  Most of them laughed.  I think they were surprised because we hadn’t been married for very long at that point and we (obviously) were still into partying.  I was right though…before January 2002 was over I was pregnant and had experienced my 2nd layoff.  That left us both unemployed, expecting a baby, and scared to death.  This started another step toward adulthood…moving far away from our families and friends so that we’d have a source of income and a way to support our child.  Everything that was secure and comfortable was gone and suddenly we were facing parenthood on top of all of that.

These were scary, stressful situations but they taught me a lot of life lessons and prepared me in ways that reading books never could have.

 
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A Decade Remembered: Wedding

02 Jan

Last decade was pivotal for me.  It’s the decade in which I truly became an adult, a wife, and a mother.  I lost my father to cancer, moved away from my hometown and family and then moved to 2 more places.  Bought and sold multiple houses.  Learned a lot, laughed a lot, loved a lot.  It had it’s good and it’s bad for sure, but overall it has been the best decade of my life yet.

The first pivotal moment of the decade was probably my engagement…October 7, 2000.  My wedding day was exactly 6 months later on April 7, 2001.  We’d found out just days before the wedding that my dad had terminal lung cancer (after months of failed diagnoses) and I suggested holding off a few months until things were a little less dramatic, but nobody would hear of it.  People were coming from out of town, everything was paid for already.  It was better to go ahead.  Nobody said it but we all thought it…if I didn’t do it then my dad wouldn’t be there.

So we went ahead.  I had my portraits done a few days before the wedding.  Afterwards, I went to the hospital, still in my dress and hair and make-up all done.  We wanted to be sure my daddy saw me in case he didn’t get to the wedding.  People stared.  They asked questions.  When we explained, the pity in their eyes was painful.

The weather on my wedding day was beautiful.  Warm, sunny…it was exactly what I’d hoped for.  My dad was released from the hospital for the festivities and was able to walk me down the aisle and give me away.  He was wearing house slippers, but he was there and I’m pretty sure nobody realized or cared what was on his feet.  He forgot to lift my veil before he sat down and so I was behind it for the entire ceremony.  I liked it that way, though.  It kept me calm for some reason.  Fully involved but slightly removed from it all.  When my brand new husband lifted it to kiss me at the end, it felt very symbolic.

At the reception my parents danced.  I’m sure I’ve shared this here before, but I stood in a corner and sobbed.  I think everyone in the room was teary-eyed….even the caterers.  We all knew it would be the last time they danced together.  It was so hard to watch.  I was beginning my married life and my parent’s was coming to an end, not because of divorce or something that made sense, but because of cancer.  A cancer that had moved so fast and so quietly that he had less than 6 weeks from diagnosis to death.  It seemed so wrong and so incredibly unfair.

When it came time for us to leave, I asked my mom where the bubbles were.  I was working and hadn’t had a chance to go pick them up.  I’d asked her to do it for me but she forgot in the midst of everything else.  There were a few moments of panic but the caterers came to our rescue with huge bowls of rice.  The whole evening was absolutely beautiful and perfect, considering the circumstances.  The memories are bittersweet but it was right.  The events surrounding that time of my life are painful but in the middle of it all I married the man I’d loved for over 7 years in an absolutely beautiful and perfect ceremony.  It was such a blessing in that difficult period of time.

 
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Posted in A Decade Remembered, Family, Me Stuff