I am the Mama

Is anyone still here? It’s been a while but there’s been a lot going on. Semester’s end, a tornado in my town, and various other issues have led to me having little time or energy to blog. But today will be a long one, so fasten your seatbelts…

It’s no secret that I have some minor mental health issues. They are well under control these days. I’m able to do so much more than I was last fall when I reached my breaking point that made me realize I really needed to seek some help. The low dose of Paxil I’m taking has led to many changes in my life and I’m so grateful for it as well as for friends and my faith…they have all helped me get to a really healthy place, mentally.

There’s still (always!) the money stresses. My husband doesn’t teach at the community college in the summer so the bulk of our income is gone until the end of September. We’ll make it through, but I’m worried about how I’ll pay for books and tuition. I managed to keep my cumulative 4.0 GPA intact, though it was a close one this semester. I’m hoping that this and a glowing recommendation from one of my teachers leads to a scholarship so that I don’t have to worry about that. Because without it, nursing school is probably not going to happen. At least not now, because I have this other huge project going on and I’m starting to wonder if it might be God’s plan for me instead…

To start out, I need to say that something happened to me about 15 years ago. I don’t want to go into any more detail, but it has left me with a lot of guilt, unhappiness, and helpless feelings. I’m working through it and I realized only recently that I’ve already been forgiven by God and that He wouldn’t want me to continue feeling so awful about it. As we all know, though, changing how you feel about something is easier said than done. More on this in a minute…

So, the aforementioned project got started the night of April 16 when an EF3 tornado ripped through my small town. My family was safe and our home was undamaged, but we realized that it could have been us. There were so many what ifs…my middle child goes to preschool about 100 yards from where it destroyed a bunch of apartments and a park he’d been playing in 2 days before. My husband and that same child were in a store approximately 24 hours before the tornado destroyed it. In fact, you probably saw footage of that very store on the national news or The Weather Channel that night, assuming you don’t live here. If you do, well, you know the one I’m talking about. I felt incredibly blessed and my husband and I really felt like we needed to DO SOMETHING. He started a Facebook page about 6 hours after the tornado hit because it’s something we both were able to manage. The little Facebook page mushroomed into something completely unexpected and the upshot is that I’m now running a donation and distribution point for the victims of the tornado and we’re even branching out to help people in other situations now…women who’ve experienced domestic and/or sexual violence, the homeless, and even people like us who are dealing with unemployment and just need a few cans of food and some toilet paper to get them through the week occasionally.

Needless to say, it is completely unpaid. Because we haven’t had the time (nor the funds) to set up a 501(c)3 we don’t accept monetary donations. And it takes up a lot of my time. I have several great volunteers, but the only thing the person who donated the site to us requested is that either my husband or I be there whenever the site is open. Since my husband is out busting his tail trying to make a little extra cash in any way he can, the duties of the “store” usually fall to me. We’re open 26 hours a week and I often stay until the wee hours doing work with other volunteers who are nightowls so that we can keep the store neat, well-stocked, and organized. Don’t get me wrong — I love doing it, but it is exhausting. I work at least 40 hours a week, juggle the kids’ schedules, and for a while I was even trying to finish up the semester! Needless to say, there is much going on.

And one day last week, someone told me that we were amazing for setting all of this up and I thanked them for saying that but I’m thinking no…I just have a lot to atone for and I hope that this one thing I’m doing helps in some small way to make up for the awful thing(s) I’ve done. (See, told you I’d come back to this!) Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!?!? Wait a second…we are saved by Grace, not by works. So while I get myself involved in these sorts of things because deep down I feel like I have to, my head knows that ultimately it.doesn’t.matter. BUT this whole thing has been so natural for me and I’ve met so many wonderful people that I wonder if there wasn’t a separate message in this whole situation. What this message is, I don’t know yet. Is God telling me that He wants me to keep doing this and forget about nursing school? Or is He using me to meet the needs of people I had never met before…both those affected by the tornado and those who have come to volunteer? Or is there some other lesson entirely?

For now, I’m waiting to see if the path becomes clear. If the scholarship happens, I know then that nursing is what God means for me to do. But if it doesn’t? Well, there will be a lot of praying asking God where He’s leading me. Because ultimately, my whole life is about showing the love of God and Jesus Christ to people when they need it most. Whether that’s by helping to take care of someone through illness or other medical situation or by helping “the least of these” who are often ignored by this supposedly ‘Christian’ nation, I’m not sure yet. I do know that I feel mentally better than I have in years and that undoubtedly has to do with these recent events. I have a lot to think about and I’m glad that mental clarity can help me make the tough decisions.

I could really use some insight into all of this, so if you’ve had any Deep Thoughts while reading along, please share them by leaving a comment! Even if it’s not religious in nature, it will absolutely be helpful. And I promise to come back here as often as possible (Especially since my Facebook wall is now locked down to a lot of people who I don’t see on a regular basis!)

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