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Archive for January, 2010

The Mother I Wish I Was

28 Jan

Let’s all pretend I haven’t completely disappeared for several weeks, shall we?

Today I’ve been thinking about all of my (perceived) shortcomings.  Yuck.  Let’s just say that of all the things I am lazy about, the one aspect of my life I regret most is my parenting.  That’s not to say I think I am a bad parent…but just that I wish I was doing more.  For example, I would love to home school my children.  I think it can be a superior option for those prepared to put the time and effort into it.  Especially considering some of the stuff we’ve dealt with this year at public school!

Unfortunately, I’m just not cut out for it.  I’m not organized enough, not patient enough, not motivated enough, not social enough…the list goes on and on.  I guess it’s a good thing I recognize this, rather than doing it and not giving my children what they need to be successful in life.  I have several friends who do home school and I am constantly in awe of them.  They are truly dedicated to it and have children who are well adjusted and intelligent.

I am trying to homeschool my younger son right now, though.  We can’t afford preschool, I’m not impressed with the public option and I’m worried that he won’t be prepared for kindergarten if I let Noggin (NickJr?) educate him.  But just getting him to sit down for 30 minutes every day and concentrate on it is nearly impossible.

I have managed to teach him shapes and colors.  My plan is to work on numbers and letters next.  But I feel like it shouldn’t be this hard for me…that I’m somehow not a good mother because I think this is hard and don’t quite know how to go about it.

There’s nothing like a good dose of “You suck at this!” when it comes to your kids.  But really, do the bad parents ever doubt their abilities?  Probably not.  And maybe for that reason alone I’m doing an OK job.

 
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Posted in Family, Me Stuff, Parenting

 

Already?

20 Jan

Today is Violet’s first birthday.  I don’t know how this happened…I blinked and her first year was over!  She went from being a tiny little blob to being a walking talking little girl whose favorite word is “up!” and a personality bigger than she is.  She has her daddy and her big brothers wrapped around her finger.  Not me, of course.  I stand strong in the face of her sweet smile and charm.  Oh, who am I kidding?  I adore her just like they do and pretty much give her everything she wants.

She’s very petite, which means people are often surprised to see her walking.  She’s smaller than most of the babies in the nursery at church, which is a little strange because she’s one of the oldest!  She looks just like I did as a baby…so much so that when I had a baby picture of me on Facebook last week a friend was really surprised to find out that it wasn’t Violet.

She loves to eat and we’re giving her more and more table food.  Right now she’s walking around with an empty bowl and a fistful of pretzels, grunting at me to get her more.  She’s outgrown her wheat allergy, obviously!  I’m still nursing her and don’t see that coming to an end any time soon.  That’s fine…I’m in no rush to wean her and give up that connection.

We’re still struggling with her sleep patterns.  She wakes up the minute we try to put her in the crib and screams her head off but if I put her in there awake she screams her head off, too.  Like her older brother, we’re co-sleeping now and expect she’ll be happy in her own bed before her 2nd year is over.

She has brought us tremendous joy and a sense of contentment.  She is a tremendous blessing to our family and I don’t know how we ever got along without her.

Happy Birthday Violet!!!

 
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Posted in Family, Parenting

 

Seriously?

19 Jan

I threw my back out again.  It happened right before church 2 Sundays ago and I made it to church through sheer force of will, but have been taking it easy ever since.  A friend whose mom has the same problem suggested it might be my sacroiliac (SI) joint in my pelvis and after a good bit of research, it certainly sounded possible!  I finally broke down and called a chiropractor.  They took x-rays and I was absolutetly shocked at how twisted my spine and pelvis were.  I also found out I have an extra vertebrae which definitely doesn’t help my back situation!  I’ve been getting adjusted every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday morning and it’s made a world of difference.  Howe we’ll pay for it, I don’t know…but it is worth every penny.

I admit that I was somewhat skeptical of chiropractic care…while I believed they could help with back pain, I wasn’t entirely sure I believed it went further than that.  But I’ve seen changes in some other things (including kidney stones!) that have made me think there may be more to it, but I’m not totally convinced yet.  It’s definitely helped my back, though!

I intended to write some more posts about last decade, but I feel like it’s too late now.  Oh well, I may do it anyway.  It was fun for me to remember the pivotal moments of the decade!

 
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Posted in Health, Me Stuff

 

A Decade Remembered: Adulthood

03 Jan

I turned 18 in 1993.  I was 21 in 1996.  Graduated college in 1998, got a job and lived on my own for 2 years after that.  But I don’t think I really became an adult until 2001.  It was a big year for me.  I got married.  Lost my father to cancer.  Experienced my first layoff, as did my husband.  And then there was September 11.  I think a lot of people had to grow up fast that day.  Most of these were negative experiences but they helped me to grow…a process that was necessary for what I would face in 2002.

On New Years Eve 2001 my husband and I returned to the place where we met.  His fraternity house was having a party and we thought it would be fun to go there to ring in the New Year.  I remember getting drunk and telling people it was the last time I’d be doing that because I intended to have a baby the next year.  Most of them laughed.  I think they were surprised because we hadn’t been married for very long at that point and we (obviously) were still into partying.  I was right though…before January 2002 was over I was pregnant and had experienced my 2nd layoff.  That left us both unemployed, expecting a baby, and scared to death.  This started another step toward adulthood…moving far away from our families and friends so that we’d have a source of income and a way to support our child.  Everything that was secure and comfortable was gone and suddenly we were facing parenthood on top of all of that.

These were scary, stressful situations but they taught me a lot of life lessons and prepared me in ways that reading books never could have.

 
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A Decade Remembered: Wedding

02 Jan

Last decade was pivotal for me.  It’s the decade in which I truly became an adult, a wife, and a mother.  I lost my father to cancer, moved away from my hometown and family and then moved to 2 more places.  Bought and sold multiple houses.  Learned a lot, laughed a lot, loved a lot.  It had it’s good and it’s bad for sure, but overall it has been the best decade of my life yet.

The first pivotal moment of the decade was probably my engagement…October 7, 2000.  My wedding day was exactly 6 months later on April 7, 2001.  We’d found out just days before the wedding that my dad had terminal lung cancer (after months of failed diagnoses) and I suggested holding off a few months until things were a little less dramatic, but nobody would hear of it.  People were coming from out of town, everything was paid for already.  It was better to go ahead.  Nobody said it but we all thought it…if I didn’t do it then my dad wouldn’t be there.

So we went ahead.  I had my portraits done a few days before the wedding.  Afterwards, I went to the hospital, still in my dress and hair and make-up all done.  We wanted to be sure my daddy saw me in case he didn’t get to the wedding.  People stared.  They asked questions.  When we explained, the pity in their eyes was painful.

The weather on my wedding day was beautiful.  Warm, sunny…it was exactly what I’d hoped for.  My dad was released from the hospital for the festivities and was able to walk me down the aisle and give me away.  He was wearing house slippers, but he was there and I’m pretty sure nobody realized or cared what was on his feet.  He forgot to lift my veil before he sat down and so I was behind it for the entire ceremony.  I liked it that way, though.  It kept me calm for some reason.  Fully involved but slightly removed from it all.  When my brand new husband lifted it to kiss me at the end, it felt very symbolic.

At the reception my parents danced.  I’m sure I’ve shared this here before, but I stood in a corner and sobbed.  I think everyone in the room was teary-eyed….even the caterers.  We all knew it would be the last time they danced together.  It was so hard to watch.  I was beginning my married life and my parent’s was coming to an end, not because of divorce or something that made sense, but because of cancer.  A cancer that had moved so fast and so quietly that he had less than 6 weeks from diagnosis to death.  It seemed so wrong and so incredibly unfair.

When it came time for us to leave, I asked my mom where the bubbles were.  I was working and hadn’t had a chance to go pick them up.  I’d asked her to do it for me but she forgot in the midst of everything else.  There were a few moments of panic but the caterers came to our rescue with huge bowls of rice.  The whole evening was absolutely beautiful and perfect, considering the circumstances.  The memories are bittersweet but it was right.  The events surrounding that time of my life are painful but in the middle of it all I married the man I’d loved for over 7 years in an absolutely beautiful and perfect ceremony.  It was such a blessing in that difficult period of time.

 
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Posted in A Decade Remembered, Family, Me Stuff

 
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