I am the Mama

People who know me well can look at my hands and get a general idea of my stress levels.  When I’m worried or anxious I pick at the skin around my fingernails.  When things get really bad, they start to resemble bloody stumps as I gnaw at the fingernails and pick at the skin until it bleeds and scabs over.  And then I pick at the scabs.  (I’m sorry, that’s really disgusting isn’t it?  Raw honesty here!)  They pretty much look like bloody stumps right now, and have for about a year and a half.  It’s completely unconscious and the people who love me and aren’t afraid to criticize me a little bit because of it (i.e., my husband and my mom) will point it out if they catch me doing it.  I’m embarrassed by it, but I can’t stop.  I could probably take a really good anti-anxiety drug but so far nothing I’ve tried stops it completely…except for getting acrylic tips and keeping them maintained.  I know that acrylic turns a lot of people off, but I like to think I keep them short and tasteful.  The thin layer of acrylic just keeps them strong so I can’t break them.  No airbrush designs or any bling…just the hands I’d have if my anxiety levels weren’t constantly through the roof.

Obviously regular manicures are out of the question.  It’s just not in the budget.  But what I wouldn’t give to have a one year pass to a salon, to get anything I wanted done to my nails whenever I wanted it.  After many years of feeling fat and dumpy I’m starting to feel pretty again…if not for those pesky bloody stumps I have for fingers.

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A YMCA membership is something I strongly hinted to my husband about, letting him know that they offer financial assistance and telling him that if he went and handled all the paperwork for it, that was all I really wanted for Christmas.  (Assuming we qualify, of course…I’m not certain we would.)  Will he take the hint?  I seriously doubt it.  I’m hoping, though.

It’s less than 5 minutes from my house, it has child care, and everything is brand new.  What could be more perfect???  I suppose I can always go handle everything myself, but it would be so great if someone did it all for me!  (Hmmmmm…is it wrong to be so lazy about a gym membership?  I suspect it is, but I despise paperwork of any sort and avoid it if possible.)

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Running shoes.  I never managed to get any new ones.  I want to go to Fleet Feet and let them evaluate my foot and stance and everything to get the best running shoe for me, but I just can’t afford it.  My birthday money was supposed to buy me some but I got clothes that fit me instead.  So I limp along with my old ones which have no tread and aren’t really right for my foot.  I suspect a lot of my pain issues are due to bad shoes and I’m so frustrated by how little I can do with the pain levels I’m currently experiencing.

A gift certificate to Fleet Feet would be a great thing to find under the tree Christmas morning…I’m sad that running has become something I hate simply because it hurts and I’m scared I’ll slip and fall if it’s wet at all.  I’m so close to my first major weight loss goal and it would be great to start the new year with the motivation I had last spring!

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Violet definitely suffers from 3rd child syndrome.  We have almost no video of her and very few pictures compared to the boys.  What video we do have was taken on my cell phone because it’s the only way to share online with our family and friends who are far away, but it’s not very good.  Our old camcorder is big, uses actual tape (horrors!) and cost a LOT of money back when I bought it as a Father’s Day gift for my husband the summer before we had our first son.

Today’s camcorders are so much easier…and I want one.  If I had the cash, I’d get a Flip UltraHD.  I’d use it for videos of the kids and my husband could use it to make videos of houses he lists or use it to provide previews for people who are relocating to the area.  It would be a much loved and useful addition to our household.  It’s small, portable, connects directly to the computer, and records in HD.  It amazes me how far technology has come in the 7.5 years since I bought our old camcorder…for a fraction of the price I paid for that dinosaur, you get something that is much, much better.

Santa, do you think you could leave a Flip UltraHD under my tree?  I promise I’ve been (mostly) good!

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Well, this is not something my true love will be giving me.  But I thought it would be fun to share some of the things I want for Christmas over the next 12 days.  Join me if you like!  These aren’t going to be in any particular order, just as I think of them.  So hey, if you’re looking for a Christmas gift for your favorite blogger, here’s a few ideas.

Remember last spring when I got my nose pierced and felt all cool and edgy?  To make a long story short, I had to take it out temporarily in September.  I hurt my back right after that and there was no way I could stand in front of the mirror long enough to put it back in.  So the hole closed up.  It made me SO sad.  I tried to keep it open by pushing an earring through it for a few days but I even gave up on that when I realized it might be weeks before I was able to actually get the screw back in.  I miss my little nose bling!

I have friends who are willing to go with me to get it re-pierced, I just need to find the cash.  It’s not expensive, but it’s simply not in the budget.

I mentioned back then I might share the story of why it became so important to me, and today’s the day.  Back when I initially decided to have it done, I was still struggling with my faith.  And then I found my new church and one of the first few times we went there was a sermon about God’s view on piercings and tattoos.  The end result was that there is nothing Biblically against either one and that it was not something that Christ followers should avoid.  With my spiritual re-awakening over the next few months, I kept thinking back to that sermon and thinking about how much I’d like to have it done…and when I was finally able to do it I felt like it was a personal symbol for my new relationship with Christ.  Something that only I knew about, but something that reminded me of Him every time I looked in the mirror.  I really miss it, and hopefully I’ll be able to have it redone soon!

Yes, I know when the 12 Days of Christmas actually are…but the next couple of weeks are going to be crazy and this is something fun and easy.  Forgive me?

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