I am the Mama

Yesterday was a down day…we had an unexpected expense and we’re left $50 short for a bill payment.  We’ll have it next week, but the stress of realizing you don’t have the money to pay a bill the day it’s due is not something I like to deal with regularly.  And it’s something that I’ve had to deal with over and over and over since my husband was laid off a little over a year ago.  Before that, I spent money without thinking about it.  Cute outfit for one of the kids?  Sure, I’ll take one!  Long day, don’t feel like cooking?  Let’s go out to eat!  Book I want to read?  Just buy it!

These days, I am grateful to the various people who have given us their hand-me-downs for the kids to wear.  We don’t go out to eat (except maybe on Sundays after church, and only then if we have a coupon) at all.  And a new book is probably one of the most frivolous expenses I could imagine right now.  Since our library rarely has the books I want to read, I’ve been doing a lot of re-reading of old favorites.  It’s not necessarily a bad thing.  I am learning a lot about how to save money and that is something that will serve me well when we’re back on our feet.  But I’ll just say it…it SUCKS sometimes.  Going from being very comfortable and solidly middle-class to scrounging in the bottom of my purse for change to buy something we need is not at all fun.  It’s humiliating and downright painful at times.

But I’ve also gained a lot since this all happened.  I was looking at my blog stats this morning, and saw this post listed as being viewed yesterday because someone was searching for Susan Harling.  The title didn’t look familiar, so I clicked on the link and read it.  And it made me cry, because the thing that I was lamenting a lack of (good girlfriends) in that post is something I now have in spades.  This was also a few days before I found out I was pregnant with Violet, and a little more than a month before my husband was laid off.  And suddenly everything was put into perspective for me again.

Yes, we have lost much since June 16, 2008.  But we’ve gained so much more.  I have said over and over again that I’ll be OK, even if we lose the house, even if we have to file bankruptcy, even if we get sued for that bill we can’t pay.  Why?  Because my people…my husband, my kids, my friends…they will all be there on the other side of it.  I will never understand why people kill themselves and their entire families over money.  Really?  Do you not see just how insignificant money is in the grand scheme of things?  No matter what, we’ll come out the other side of this because there are people who love us.  And that, in the end, is all that matters.

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