Bear with me as I embarrass myself and let everyone in on just how much of an Internet loser I *really* am…but I need to get this out and here is as good a place as any.

About seven and a half years ago, I read a book that really changed my life.  It was Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler.  For the first time in my 25 years I truly understood what transpired during a woman’s menstrual cycle (I know, slightly gross, but that will be the last of the girly business talk, I think.) and how to figure out how to time things in order to get pregnant.  I was still a newlywed but we were truly ready to have a baby so I decided I would start charting.  Only doing it by hand seemed really cumbersome and I decided to set up an Excel spreadsheet to do it.  And then I figured if *I* had that bright idea, surely someone else already had and there might be an Excel macro or even specialized software out there for it.  In early October 2001 I searched for charting software and found it at a website called www.tcoyf.com.  It was based on the book and there was even a message board to help you figure it all out.

I signed up, bought the software, and had my first son exactly 1 year and 3 days after I joined the forum.  Pretty amazing stuff!  And I discovered much more support there.  Not only for women TTC (trying to conceive), but also for pregnancy, parenting, and then trying to avoid (TTA) pregnancy using the TCOYF principles.  And then when we started trying to have our 2nd child and that didn’t work so well, I got tons of information on infertility and also a lot of support.  So many of the women there were just as overjoyed as I was when I got pregnant and then delivered my second child.  It was a support system like no other…and the best part was that no matter where we moved, that support came with me.  Since we were moving every 2 years that was a real advantage.  I even made real life friends through the site.  Never in my own town, but close enough to spend time together now and then.

The site has been through a couple of name changes (it’s now known as Ovusoft) and the administration has changed hands several times.  They released a new version of the software which I bought because you couldn’t upgrade the previous version for free.  I even left the site a couple of years ago after a blow-up between the members and the moderators.  But I went back because it was just so hard to break free…we’d been in Sanford for well over a year and I still hadn’t made many friends here.  I needed to be able to ask for and get support from a variety of people and that was my go-to place.  I did a fairly decent job of sticking to my resolve not to get sucked back in, though.  I stayed (mostly) incognito, occasionally asking questions about things my kids were doing that concerned me or adding support to moms of kids with breastfeeding issues, plagiocephaly, or sensory disorders, pregnant women who had concerns about subchorionic hemmorhage, and women who were going through the same types of infertility treatments I did.  I remember that it really helped me when I heard about people who overcame the same problems we did in any sector…whether it be TTC, pregnancy, or a child’s medical issue.  I tried to stay out of the fray and thought I did a fairly good job of that.

And then a couple of weeks ago, they took the site down.  For nearly 2 weeks, there was an everchanging cryptic message that promised it would be back up by this time or that time, but each of the deadlines passed with no return of the site.  And then it finally came back up and I tried to log in…there was a question I wanted to ask about a breastfeeding problem I had and those girls know their stuff.  But when I input my username and password, I got a “No such member found!” error message.  So I emailed support.  There was no answer from them, so I created a new username to get in and ask about how to get my old one back.  And within a few hours of posting, I got a message telling me that I’d been banned from the site and that my new username was also banned.  I hadn’t even logged in for about 6 weeks, hadn’t posted for nearly 2 months, but I was banned.

Someone looked up what my last several posts were because I honestly couldn’t remember what I did to deserve that…my last 9 posts involved disruptive (that’s sarcasm!) topics like sharing my opinion on Jenny’s Simply Clean (which you already know I love), telling someone the age my daughter was when diagnosed with reflux, asking if it’s OK to wash baby clothes that have poop on them with cloth diapers, trying to soothe a mother whose child had pneumonia, and trying to reassure another mom whose daughter was going to have to wear a cranial band for plagiocephaly.  From what I can remember, I was nothing but kind and helpful in all of these posts.  Maybe short and to the point because I usually have a baby in my lap when I peruse the board, but not at all disruptive, hateful, or anything else to justify the banning.

I emailed the administrator, asking for explanation and was ignored.  Then I heard they said that members were being stalked and harassed and I was concerned that my account may have been hacked into and used for something like this, so I emailed again (this time including the site owner, Gene on the email) and asked if that was the case so I could protect my personal information at other places but again was ignored.  And so I’m left hurt, angry, confused, and scared.  Because none of it makes sense.  The fact that nobody has chosen to explain to me what happened may be the most confusing and hurtful.  I’ve recommended the site and software to so many people, paid for 2 different versions of the software myself and have tried to be supportive and kind to the people there.  I’m sure I’ve snarked privately to people when there was a dumb post or posted a sarcastic response a time or two, but overall I’ve done absolutely nothing I’m ashamed of doing.  I guess I find some comfort in the fact that I’m not alone…there are others who were banned who have been nothing but kind and helpful.  Certainly not like the “troublemakers” this site has banned in the past.

Maybe this is God’s way of reminding me that He has led me to a great group of friends who “get” my weird parenting ideas, like breastfeeding until the child is ready to stop, cloth diapering, and wearing my babies, who understand the unbelievable joy and endless frustrations of being a mom, the pain associated with infertility and the annoyances of PCOS, and all of the little quirky things that I could always count on finding support for when I went there.  I haven’t had such an amazing and supportive group of real life friends in a long time and I think it’s no coincidence that this happened now.  It doesn’t really minimize the hurt, but it’s easier to move past it now than it would have been even a month or two ago.  Luckily I still have ways to contact the people I really cared about from there and several friends I can call on whenever I need a little support or advice!

Filed under: Me Stuff