Editing this post to add that the baby must be sensing my need for reassurance, because s/he is moving all over the place suddenly.  It had been a few days since I felt anything and that was definitely raising the anxiety levels.  So now I’m crying because I’m just so relieved.  Good grief.

So now even the paper is making me cry so hard I can’t breathe. The story on the front page of the baby who died in his mother’s arms practically sent me into a full fledged anxiety attack. I have always let my babies sleep on my chest in the early days, and I cannot imagine waking up to find that your tiny baby isn’t breathing. My heart goes out to that family and I pray for them to find peace in the coming days.

Honestly, I’m not much of a crier. I was in my younger days, when the high school drama got to me or when my boyfriend (who is now my husband, by the way, so all the crying was unnecessary) in college hurt my feelings by some imagined slight. But since getting married, I have been a lot more stoic…I just don’t have a lot to cry about most of the time.

Except when I’m pregnant. And then the hormones get me. And I don’t mean just a little bit! Usually they kick in somewhere around my 4th month and wreak havoc. I believe during my last pregnancy I threatened to take my oldest son and move to my mom’s. All the while crying so hard that I was having Braxton Hicks contractions and couldn’t breathe. Yeah, you might say I get a little emotional. So when I hear sad (and scary) stories of people losing their babies and newborns dying in their mother’s arms, I get very emotional. Because I tend to be able to put myself in their position and try to imagine how I would deal with it and inevitably the very thought causes me to have an anxiety attack…shaking, crying, unable to breathe, and absolutely terrified for myself, all the while feeling that my heart will break for the people who did experience the loss.

Add to this that I’m in the middle of a 4 week stretch where I have not had an appointment to check on the baby’s well-being…and not quite at the point where I’m feeling movement reliably and regularly, you can imagine my fears. I cannot wait to get into that office next week and confirm that this baby’s heart is still beating. And in a few weeks, hopefully, we will get to see the progress he or she is making and verify that everything looks good and healthy. But until then, I will probably continue to be incredibly weepy. So if you see me around town and my eyes are red, it’s not because I have been doing things I shouldn’t be, it’s probably because something sent me off on a crying jag. Again.