I’m so emotionally drained. I haven’t been able to eat all day and it finally caught up to me a little while ago. I’ve been researching Medicaid and public assistance programs, trying to figure out where and how we can cut expenses, and wondering why this is happening to us *again* and why they chose him to be laid off. I’m trying to trust that God has a plan for us, but I’m having a really hard time with that right now. I’m mad at Him because a week ago, the night before the u/s where we confirmed the baby’s heartbeat I prayed and told God that if it came down to a healthy baby or D’s job again, that we needed the job more. Maybe I was wrong. I can only hope that this baby continues to be healthy and that the pregnancy continues to progress normally, because if it doesn’t I may just lay down and give up. Not literally…I know I have 2 boys who need me. But I’m feeling so damn DEFEATED right now.

Perhaps the most stressful is the fact that our insurance runs out as of 7/1. I had to scramble and reschedule several appointments that were scheduled for July, both for me and the kids. Luckily the doctor’s offices were accommodating. But being pregnant and losing your insurance completely is terrifying…especially when you only have 2 weeks notice. We’re going to throw ourselves on the mercy of the company and ask if we can have one more month of insurance, but I won’t hold my breath. But really, it seems like such a small thing AND it gives me time to get something else figured out. Luckily Medicaid seems to be an option for us. We’ve never used any sort of public assistance despite the many layoffs we’ve experienced but my pride has run out. Everyone tells me that this is why programs like Medicaid exist, for people who have a real need. And if it’s only temporary, even better. But gosh, it’s hard to deal with emotionally.

I haven’t shared our dismal job history on this blog, so I’ll lay out a bit of it here. We got married in April 2001. A couple of weeks before the wedding, I had received notice that the division of the company I worked for was shutting down that summer. Job loss #1. I took much of the summer to cope with the death of my father (coincidentally, his death happened the last day I was employed) and landed a job in October 2001. The same day I started that job, D was laid off of his job. Job loss #2. I continued working until January of 2002, which is when the company I was working for folded due to embezzlement by one of the VPs. Job Loss #3. I found out I was pregnant with my oldest son about 2 days later. We were both unemployed.

We moved to Fayetteville, NC for a job when I was about 20 weeks pregnant. We hated it there. I couldn’t get a job because nobody would hire me. Once he was born, I figured there was no point…we’d lived on one income (or less!) for so long that staying at home seemed the natural choice. He was laid off from that job days after our son turned 1. Job loss #4.

We then moved to Florence, SC. Had a wonderful work situation in the Maytag plant there. We assumed Maytag was stable. It wasn’t. About a week after we found out I was pregnant with my youngest son, we got word that the plant would close. Since he worked for a supplier inside the plant, we thought for quite a while there was a chance we could be relocated or continue to be employed, but it didn’t work out. Job loss #5.

And so at about 24 weeks pregnant, we moved to Sanford. We did TONS of research on the company, asking people who sold the products and people who worked there their opinion of the company. All gave glowing recommendations. And then the economy started to turn sour. Rumors have been spreading and though we tried not to believe them, we did have some worry. But we tried to trust that this wouldn’t happen AGAIN. Guess we were wrong. Dead wrong. Job loss #6. In 7 years.

The worst part is that in each of these cases, there has been no wrongdoing on our part. No disciplinary action leading up to it, no job performance issues. Each time, we walked in one day and were blindsided. I blame the economy. I blame the terrible manufacturing climate in this country. I blame pure bad luck. I blame George W. Bush. (Because it makes me feel better, not necessarily because I think it’s his fault.) Because I just do not know WHY this keeps happening to us. We’re good people. We work hard. We put our trust in companies to take care of us if we do our job, because that’s how things worked when we were kids and our parents had jobs. Sadly it’s not like that anymore. And when it happens over and over and over again, you start to wonder what you’ve done wrong to be punished like this. As hard as I rack my brain, there just doesn’t seem to be a good explanation. How do 2 professional, hard working people with college degrees have this happen so frequently? I just don’t get it, and I’ve given up trying to understand.