I am awash in personal drama that has me in a terrible fog.  The nausea continues, though I know I’m not pregnant.  I have no idea what is causing it, but it really, really sucks.  It is constant and incredibly annoying.  And I just feel generally not quite right…little headaches, falling asleep when I shouldn’t, sudden weight gain, and emotional…I suspect it’s nothing more than stress, but it’s incredibly frustrating.

Then there’s my computer…it is, I believe, dead.  I manage to grab my husband’s a few times a day, but not for long and I never manage to get the things done that I intend to do.  I can boot my computer and open a program.  I can even use it for a few minutes, but then it locks up or sends me to the blue screen of death.  I have decided that upgrading the RAM is my last resort and that costs money we don’t have.  My printer isn’t working anymore, either.  I think it needs ink, but can’t afford that either.  (And if you’ve sent me an email and I didn’t reply, I missed it.  There are 73 new emails in my box and I hate trying to wade through them on my phone.  Send me a text if it’s important…)

And the money thing is always there…can I afford to buy shampoo this week?  What about toilet paper?  Oh, and don’t forget that there is a shut-off notice for the electricity sitting on your desk.  Better get that paid.  The good news is that I finally convinced my husband that we can no longer afford the satellite bill.  We had run out of all of our “special offers” and the price jumped way back up and they wouldn’t go back down.  So we shut it off.  I’m having some minor withdrawal, but am glad to have one less monthly expense.

And the beginning of the semester is always a little fog-inducing.  Moreso with the drama over the class and pre-requisites.  I’m overwhelmed at how far behind I already feel.  I need to type up my notes and study for lab quizzes and do homework assignments, all of which are impossible to do when the kids are up, and I’m too mentally exhausted to do once they’re down.

Speaking of kids, I feel like I have 500, not 3.  One in school already, one about to start.  They need to be on opposite sides of town, with drop off and pick up at the same time.  How will we manage this on the weeks that we can only afford to put gas in 1 car?  The logistics alone make me want to cry, especially since pick-up needs to happen while I’m supposed to be in class on Mondays and Wednesdays!  I have no idea how we’re going to make this work, but I guess we will somehow.  And once I’m home alone with just one child, how is that going to affect my day?  Will I have less time to spend on other stuff, or more?  One less child to deal with, but the one that’s left is all alone.  Anxious to see how that will work!  (Really, if anyone has experienced this, fill me in…is having only 1 more work than having 2?)

I want, no I need, to run but can’t fit it in.  It’s too hot at the time of day that I can manage it and I’m too tired to do it when it’s cool enough.  I suspect this would do wonders for my overall state of mind and I hope the weather cools down soon so I can do it.

Crap, my computer time is up.  I swear, number one on my list of things to do is buy some RAM.  And pray that fixes the problem…

Filed under: Couch to 5K, Family, Me Stuff, Parenting, Rambling

Grabbed your attention with that one, huh?  We all like to hear a good story about pregnancy tests, right?  Well, this one is less about pregnancy tests and more about my internal conflicts.  But there will be some pregnancy tests, so bear with me.

In the past couple of weeks, I have been dealing with constant nausea.  I suspected it might be hormonal changes due to weaning/cutting back on nursing.  Violet is definitely on the verge of being completely done and she usually only nurses once a day at most.  When I consulted Dr. Google, all I could find were people who thought it was from weaning but who eventually discovered they were pregnant.  So I asked a couple of friends and of course that was their first question as well.  Without providing too much detail, it’s possible but highly unlikely given the contraception I’m using so I blew off their questions.  But the seed was planted and started growing quickly.  Could it be?  If I’m perfectly honest, I do feel pregnant.  I’m queasy, tired, and incredibly emotional.  The trifecta of early pregnancy for me.  Though those symptoms could certainly have other causes (weaning and stress, just to name two) I started having a harder time pushing the doubts away.

Then a series of events convinced me to just go ahead and buy a stick to pee on.  At best, I’d get rid of the doubts.  At worst, well…I didn’t want to think about the worst.  Because my head knows it would be monumentally bad to get pregnant again.  Especially right now.  School, our financial situation, my sanity…all very tenuous things that would be threatened by another baby.  But if I am it’s better to know, right?  So off I went to the dollar store.  I bought one.  I used it.  I read it.  I threw it away.  I was relieved…there was no line.  Life goes on for about 15 minutes and then I felt the need to double check.  Crazy, right?

Now there was a line.  A very faint, but definitely there line.  Oh, HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL no!  I was in a tailspin.  I knew the rules.  Why did I break them?  You don’t go back and read a pregnancy test after the time limit!  Suddenly I’m panicking.  Hyperventilating, black spots in my vision, chest pain, all the symptoms of a really bad panic attack.  I managed to pull myself together, threw the test away again and decided that this line was in my imagination.  The next day I let my friends in on the secret and they wanted me to take another one right then.  I wasn’t prepared for that and refused, but said I’d take one at church this morning if they promised not to think badly of me if I cried when it was positive.  I knew I’d need their support and I wasn’t sure my husband would be able to give it this time.

I was right about his reaction.  When I finally told him last night he wasn’t happy.  He wasn’t angry at me or anything, just overwhelmed by the prospect of another one.  I knew how he felt, but at this point I just needed support and someone to tell me that it would work out.  I was disappointed but not totally surprised.  We both know another baby is the last thing we need.

When I stepped into church this morning, my girls mobbed me.  I wasn’t going to get out of it, so we marched off to the bathroom together.  I showed them a picture of the first test (on my cell phone) and they all saw the line.  I felt slightly vindicated, a little less concerned about my sanity.  They waited outside the stall while I took the test.  My hands were shaking so badly that I could barely do it, but I managed to get the job done without major mishap.  When I came out, they formed a circle around me while we waited to see what would happen.  Several minutes later we all agreed that the result was negative.

I expected relief.  What I felt was an overwhelming sadness.  I didn’t cry, but I felt like someone had taken something away from me that I really wanted.  Seems like my heart and mind are in conflict.  My mind screams “This is the worst idea EVER!”  My heart whispers “Wouldn’t another baby be awesome?”  I had opened myself up to it, started to get used to the idea.  Considered that God’s plan might be different from mine.  Apparently it’s not…at least not right now.  I’m not going to change my mind about the “no more babies” plan.  I’m ignoring that little whisper from my heart.  For about 36 hours I indulged it but I’m shutting it down again.  It’s important to follow your heart sometimes, but I think we all have to admit that our heads generally know what’s best.  Luckily God trumps them both…I know that mere contraception is not an obstacle if He has plans that differ from mine.  For now, I am content with that.

Filed under: Me Stuff, Pregnancy

As I sit down to go over some notes and arrange my folders and such, I was struck by this question.  It’s been a long time since I really had to spend a lot of time studying and though I’ve managed a 4.0 thus far on college career #2, it’s not due to stellar study skills.  So I ask:  How do you study?!?!?

I’ve contemplated things like typing the notes I take during lecture so they’re clear and concise.  Not only will I be reviewing it while typing, but if I do it quickly enough it means I’ll probably remember any shorthand I might have had to use during lecture.  The only problem is that my computer is shutting down every time I try to open a document (it needs a RAM upgrade) and my printer needs $50 worth of ink cartridges.  I may need to take time to go over to the computer lab at school to do this.  (Not a bad idea anyway, what with the 500 kids running around my house distracting me, right?)

I’m still without the textbook, but I’m not sure it’s going to be a problem.  I have my old A&P text from the first time around (it’s dated 1992…yikes!) and my lab instructor told me that the one I have is pretty much considered the gold standard.  Plus the lecture instructor doesn’t seem to be married to the textbook.  I suspect that I may be able to get by with the online resources from the publisher, the old text I have, and the lab manual.  That’s my hope, anyway!  I’ve got the textbook on my swaptree want list so if it becomes available by some miracle I’ll be able to get it.

And frankly, I love that I can access the publisher’s online materials without the book.  I can test myself with quizzes, get podcasts, and other learning activities.  It’s a pretty awesome resource and completely free.  Can’t beat that.  I definitely intend to fully utilize this resource.

But there’s got to be more to studying, right?  I mean, reading over the lecture notes, reading the text, participating in lab, doing the practice quizzes…surely there’s more to it, some better way to organize my time and make sure I am staying caught up?  Tell me how you study, because I am determined to keep my 4.0 GPA.  This is the toughest class yet and I don’t want to get behind even before it all starts!

Filed under: Back to School

Quit growing up!!!  My oldest son is now a second grader.  In his bedtime prayers last night, he thanked God for his new teachers.  He said they were the best teachers yet and then also thanked Him for all of his other teachers, who he remembered by name.  He comes in from school, does his homework without being asked, and buys gifts for his brother and sister with his own money. He isn’t what I would call a little boy anymore…he is firmly in big boy territory and will soon be a tween.  I’m not ready for this at all.

Quit growing up!!!  My middle child will be starting full-time preschool next week.  In his prayers, he thanks God for his mommy and daddy and brother and sister.  It makes me want to cry, it’s so sweet.  He loves to be rough and tumble and has a great imagination.  He has a superhero hand and a mean hand and that mean hand is soooooooooooooo mean, but the superhero hand does things like hold his sister’s hand when we’re walking somewhere.  This time next year, he’ll be halfway through his first quarter of kindergarten.  Where does the time go?

Quit growing up!!!  My baby girl, my tiny little pink bundle, is now walking and talking and so not a baby any more.  She throws tantrums the likes of which I’ve never seen.  She likes clothes and shoes and hats and dragons and trucks and cars.  She stands up for herself when necessary and never plays the shrinking violet role.  If I’m home at bedtime, she climbs into my lap and begs for her “nuh” but if I’m out, she snuggles on the couch with her daddy and they are both snoring by the time I get home.  She sleeps in a toddler bed and says “night-night” and makes kissing noises at me when I lay her down for a nap.  She no longer needs me for food or comfort.  I don’t know how to deal with that.

Every day takes them one day closer to the day they’ll leave for college, get married, have kids of their own.  And further and further away from the days when all they needed was me.  I want to stop time or change my mind about the whole “no more babies” rule.  But I can’t.  So I watch them start their slow walk away from me and I smile…because I believe that I’m raising them well and with the love they deserve.  These amazing kids will be amazing adults someday and I’ll know then, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I did a good job with them.

Filed under: Family, Parenting

It took multiple emails, phone calls, and some serious anxiety on my part, but I am now approved to take my class without the pre-requisite.  Now that I’ve managed to quell that bit of drama, it’s onto the drama of obtaining books.  The package at the school contains the text, a lab manual and a CD that everyone has told me is not used at all.  It is over $250, and the package has it’s own ISBN number that corresponds to absolutely nothing I can find anywhere, so until the first day of class I had no idea which books I even needed.  As it turns out, the text and lab manual are completely separate authors/collections, so it’s a good thing I didn’t try to guess at which one was the one I had to get.

The good news is that I found the textbook in an international version for under $50, which is a pretty good deal.  But the lab manual isn’t available in many places and it is ~gasp~ over $80.  As it turned out, Amazon had it cheapest, plus I can have it shipped 2-day service for free (thanks to free Amazon Prime for students!) so I just pushed the button and ordered it but feel slightly ill over it.  I know it was a good deal, but I can’t help but think of all the school clothes I could buy for the kids with that $80, or how much food that would buy, or how far that would go towards our mortgage payment for the month.  Gosh, for that money I could fix my computer so it would be useful for something other than basic internet surfing AND replace the empty ink cartridges that prevent my printer from working at all right now.  Crazy-making, right?  I need to just stop thinking about it and focus on the fact that I am blessed to have the money at all and to have the ability and resources available to take the class.

Positivity…it should be my mantra.  I’m trying hard to see that glass as half-full!

Filed under: Back to School, Me Stuff