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Dear 2004/2005 Self:

23 Oct

I am cleaning up my office and just found some medical records from the Great Infertility Drama. It took me right back to that time…the utter anguish and grief that I lived day after day…well, you’re right in the middle of that so you probably know all about it. I wish I could hug you and tell you it will all be OK. Because I know, I know, just how terrible you feel. That you believe you may never be happy again. I know you’re barely functioning, your life revolving around doctor’s appointments and drugs and shots and tests and procedures. And, because I’m older and wiser than you, I also know that it will eventually end.

I wish I could tell you that there will be a  baby. And he will be adorable and funny and the best ‘buddy’ ever. He will be your special child and face some obstacles but he will overcome them, one after another. What’s more, there will be another baby. A little girl who surprises you and completes the healing of your broken heart.

But more than that, I wish I could tell you what I’ve learned since those dark days. Spend more time with that little boy you have. Don’t let the depression take you away from him. He is there and he needs you. Oh, you’re doing a fine job — he grows up great (and with a smart mouth, but he probably got that from his daddy) and isn’t scarred by these years, but I think it would help to heal your heart a little. And spend time with that fabulous husband while you can enjoy each other’s company without (what sometimes seems like) a million children underfoot. Have more date nights. Go midnight swimming as often as you can. Take naps on rainy afternoons. Watch movies together. You have no idea what’s ahead!

But most important, I want you to know that God will always provide what you need if you will just trust Him. He is always there and He is always waiting for you. Stop rolling your eyes at me! I said I’m older and wiser, didn’t I? You need to trust me on this! I’ve learned a lot since I was you. I’ve been through a lot. And I say with complete confidence that you’re missing out. Oh, I know you’ll figure it out eventually…I just hate to see you waste time feeling so horrible.

These dark days won’t last forever. You will be happy again. And so much has happened…you’d never believe it if I told you so I won’t even try. You’ll just have to be surprised. But believe me when I tell you that your journey through this hell is worth it. Not just because there’s a baby on the other end, but because you learn so much throughout this process and it shapes who you will become. Smile more, obsess less, and live your life. It will change all too soon!

With much love,

Your 2011 Self

 
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Posted in Faith/Religion, Family, Love & Marriage, Me Stuff, Parenting, Randomness

 

Recovery

05 Jun

Is anyone still here? It’s been a while but there’s been a lot going on. Semester’s end, a tornado in my town, and various other issues have led to me having little time or energy to blog. But today will be a long one, so fasten your seatbelts…

It’s no secret that I have some minor mental health issues. They are well under control these days. I’m able to do so much more than I was last fall when I reached my breaking point that made me realize I really needed to seek some help. The low dose of Paxil I’m taking has led to many changes in my life and I’m so grateful for it as well as for friends and my faith…they have all helped me get to a really healthy place, mentally.

There’s still (always!) the money stresses. My husband doesn’t teach at the community college in the summer so the bulk of our income is gone until the end of September. We’ll make it through, but I’m worried about how I’ll pay for books and tuition. I managed to keep my cumulative 4.0 GPA intact, though it was a close one this semester. I’m hoping that this and a glowing recommendation from one of my teachers leads to a scholarship so that I don’t have to worry about that. Because without it, nursing school is probably not going to happen. At least not now, because I have this other huge project going on and I’m starting to wonder if it might be God’s plan for me instead…

To start out, I need to say that something happened to me about 15 years ago. I don’t want to go into any more detail, but it has left me with a lot of guilt, unhappiness, and helpless feelings. I’m working through it and I realized only recently that I’ve already been forgiven by God and that He wouldn’t want me to continue feeling so awful about it. As we all know, though, changing how you feel about something is easier said than done. More on this in a minute…

So, the aforementioned project got started the night of April 16 when an EF3 tornado ripped through my small town. My family was safe and our home was undamaged, but we realized that it could have been us. There were so many what ifs…my middle child goes to preschool about 100 yards from where it destroyed a bunch of apartments and a park he’d been playing in 2 days before. My husband and that same child were in a store approximately 24 hours before the tornado destroyed it. In fact, you probably saw footage of that very store on the national news or The Weather Channel that night, assuming you don’t live here. If you do, well, you know the one I’m talking about. I felt incredibly blessed and my husband and I really felt like we needed to DO SOMETHING. He started a Facebook page about 6 hours after the tornado hit because it’s something we both were able to manage. The little Facebook page mushroomed into something completely unexpected and the upshot is that I’m now running a donation and distribution point for the victims of the tornado and we’re even branching out to help people in other situations now…women who’ve experienced domestic and/or sexual violence, the homeless, and even people like us who are dealing with unemployment and just need a few cans of food and some toilet paper to get them through the week occasionally.

Needless to say, it is completely unpaid. Because we haven’t had the time (nor the funds) to set up a 501(c)3 we don’t accept monetary donations. And it takes up a lot of my time. I have several great volunteers, but the only thing the person who donated the site to us requested is that either my husband or I be there whenever the site is open. Since my husband is out busting his tail trying to make a little extra cash in any way he can, the duties of the “store” usually fall to me. We’re open 26 hours a week and I often stay until the wee hours doing work with other volunteers who are nightowls so that we can keep the store neat, well-stocked, and organized. Don’t get me wrong — I love doing it, but it is exhausting. I work at least 40 hours a week, juggle the kids’ schedules, and for a while I was even trying to finish up the semester! Needless to say, there is much going on.

And one day last week, someone told me that we were amazing for setting all of this up and I thanked them for saying that but I’m thinking no…I just have a lot to atone for and I hope that this one thing I’m doing helps in some small way to make up for the awful thing(s) I’ve done. (See, told you I’d come back to this!) Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!?!? Wait a second…we are saved by Grace, not by works. So while I get myself involved in these sorts of things because deep down I feel like I have to, my head knows that ultimately it.doesn’t.matter. BUT this whole thing has been so natural for me and I’ve met so many wonderful people that I wonder if there wasn’t a separate message in this whole situation. What this message is, I don’t know yet. Is God telling me that He wants me to keep doing this and forget about nursing school? Or is He using me to meet the needs of people I had never met before…both those affected by the tornado and those who have come to volunteer? Or is there some other lesson entirely?

For now, I’m waiting to see if the path becomes clear. If the scholarship happens, I know then that nursing is what God means for me to do. But if it doesn’t? Well, there will be a lot of praying asking God where He’s leading me. Because ultimately, my whole life is about showing the love of God and Jesus Christ to people when they need it most. Whether that’s by helping to take care of someone through illness or other medical situation or by helping “the least of these” who are often ignored by this supposedly ‘Christian’ nation, I’m not sure yet. I do know that I feel mentally better than I have in years and that undoubtedly has to do with these recent events. I have a lot to think about and I’m glad that mental clarity can help me make the tough decisions.

I could really use some insight into all of this, so if you’ve had any Deep Thoughts while reading along, please share them by leaving a comment! Even if it’s not religious in nature, it will absolutely be helpful. And I promise to come back here as often as possible (Especially since my Facebook wall is now locked down to a lot of people who I don’t see on a regular basis!)

 
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Posted in Back to Blogging, Faith/Religion, Me Stuff, Rambling

 

Health: Breakfast

19 Mar

Yes, I’m still on the train to Health for 2011! I am not talking about it much because frankly, the weight just isn’t coming off like I want it to and I’m frustrated by that. However, it is coming off (slowly!) and I can definitely feel the difference in my clothes. On the upside, weight that is taken off slowly doesn’t return quite as easily and that’s a good thing.

One of the biggest changes I’ve made is incorporating breakfast into my routine…every single day. When I started waking up hungry in the morning, I knew I’d succeeded in making my body work better. Eating breakfast boosts your metabolism for the day so your body effectively works harder to burn calories. You don’t have to eat it the minute you jump out of bed and it doesn’t have to be huge…just remember to eat something in the morning.

I had to really do some experimenting here. I usually didn’t eat breakfast and when I did it included things like eggs, bacon, sausage, syrupy french toast, and other super high-calorie, high-fat foods. I think I realized I don’t have to give these things up completely one night when we were stuck in Apex at dinner time and ended up at IHOP. I was able to eat a dinner of scrambled eggs, bacon, and french toast with syrup for less than 600 calories. It just required some simple substitutions!

I normally don’t eat that much for breakfast…I keep my calories for that time of day in the 200-300 range. But I can have bits and pieces of that kind of meal without sacrificing taste or health! That was a big turning point and it really opened my eyes to the possibilities out there.

So what does my breakfast look like now?

  • If I’m craving eggs, liquid eggs (Eggbeaters or similar) fit the bill. Unlike whole eggs, these fall in the “green” category of my diet plan so I am allowed to eat them in abundance. A half cup is filling and only about 60 calories. Plus they taste great! If I’m feeling ambitious, I chop up some fresh spinach and tomatoes and make an omelet. It’s a great protein boost first thing in the morning!
  • Bacon is obviously a huge no-no. I do love a crispy piece of bacon for breakfast…the problem is I can’t stop at just one! So I tried turkey bacon. I won’t lie…it is not the same. However, when cooked just right (we like to put it on a broiler pan in the oven because the microwave just doesn’t cut it) it is a more than adequate substitute. And at 25 calories per slice, it’s definitely a healthier choice.
  • If you prefer sausage, consider turkey sausage. To me, the taste is the same as the real thing. When I have to eat breakfast in the car because I overslept, I really like the Tennessee Pride turkey sausage biscuits. Two (they’re small) are 210 calories.
  • Another favorite is waffles. There are a lot of multi-grain options out there, but even some of the other varieties are low calorie. To keep these low calorie, use a buttery spray (I like BestLife’s) and sugar free (Cary brand is my favorite) syrup. Top with some fruit and nuts and you have a super yummy, low calorie breakfast that includes some protein and one of your fruit/veggie servings. If you prefer to make your own, waffles aren’t hard to make and they freeze nicely so you can make up a batch, freeze them, and pull out one or two when you want them.
  • If I’m just not up to the challenge of “making” something, I pull out a cup of fat-free yogurt and throw in some granola and frozen fruit. It’s perfectly fine to eat something like this. The goal is to eat breakfast, period. If having to prepare something keeps you from eating, then the better alternative is to do what’s easy.
  • And breakfast always includes coffee. Now that I am off soda completely (YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) I have to get my caffeine in somewhere. Coffee has become my method of choice. In the interest of total disclosure, I admit that I use real sugar. I know, I know. But I can’t stand the taste of artificial sweeteners! I figure a teaspoon won’t hurt me, considering the fact that each can of Mountain Dew has a crazy huge amount of sugar (I’ve heard 11 tsp!) in every can. And when you’re having 2 or 3 of those each day, a teaspoon (or even 2) of sugar in a cup of coffee is a step in the right direction, right? I also use flavored creamers. I typically go for the skinny version so it’s fat free but occasionally I can’t get the flavor I want in skinny and I indulge myself. I use such a small amount that the difference is negligible and it really, really helps me to enjoy my coffee so I don’t want a soda later. A minor concession really makes a big difference if it allows you to stick to your plan.

If I had all the money and time in the world, I would obviously make even better choices. Fresher foods with fewer preservatives are the ideal but I think most of us need the affordable and quick/easy options, especially when it comes to breakfast. One thing I don’t compromise on is high fructose corn syrup. Nothing I eat for breakfast contains HFCS. It’s getting easier to find foods that don’t include this insidious additive…even the “regular” brands are now cutting it out so you don’t have to look for the natural or organic options. Read your labels and know what you’re putting into your body! This alone is one of the easiest things you can do to eat healthier.

If you’re trying to lose weight, what do you eat for breakfast? I’m always looking for new ideas to change it up!

 
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Posted in Food/Recipes, Health

 

Beware of TireMonkey.com!

17 Mar

Like most families right now, we do some serious research before spending money on something expensive. (Heck, even before we buy something inexpensive!) So when we decided to use some of our tax refund to put tires on our minivan so it will pass the state inspection, my husband set to work. Ordinarily, we’d prefer to use a local place but with an expense of this magnitude, we really needed to do it as cheaply as possible. We were planning to find the cheapest price on tires and have them shipped to a local place and pay them for installation. A compromise on principles, but one we could live with considering the financial situation we’re in.

He found a good (not great, but definitely the cheapest based on phone calls and internet searches) deal on tires at TireMonkey. Once installation was factored in, it would be the least expensive way to get a decent set of new tires. He placed the order for the tires yesterday and left the house to go to work. (Praise God for paying work!!!) Not long after, the home phone rang. It was someone from TireMonkey, telling me that his order had been cancelled because there was a pricing mistake on the website. The price should have been about double (!!!thatsabigmistake!!!) what was shown. OK. Mistakes happen, I get that. And they’re under no obligation to honor the price. I get that, too. But having worked manymanymany years in sales, customer service, and marketing, I know to ask what the options are. Something can always be done, right?

Wrong. They didn’t offer me a different tire. No discount on the ones we wanted. No free shipping. No deal. Nothing. Their solution was to just refund our money. Unfortunately, we used our debit card and it may take days before we have access to that money again. Now we can’t get the tires until that money lands back in our account. Based on past experiences, it may be a week or more.

I called my husband immediately, gave him the news and the phone number off their website. He was hoping to talk to someone and work something else out. Another tire at the very least so that we could get them put on ASAP and hopefully not be waiting for that money to land back in our account with nothing to show for it. He called, was treated rudely when the person he wanted to speak to wasn’t available and left his contact info so they could get in touch when they had time to call him. There was no return call yesterday, this morning, this afternoon…he finally got tired of waiting and called again. Once again, he reached someone with zero people skills who’d apparently been taught the fine art of customer service by a person with the IQ and personality of a fence post.

He had a solution for the situation, even though they didn’t seem inclined to save the sale. There was a comparable set of tires that had been listed at $10/tire higher than the ones we originally picked. He wanted to order those. Could we do that? Sadly, no. The price on those was incorrect as well and again, there was no interest in working something out. No offers of a comparable tire in a similar price range, no discount, nada. At this point I really can’t believe they’re this inept. It blows my mind that they wouldn’t do anything at all.

I don’t like giving bad reviews of businesses. I would much rather talk about how awesome something is. But this experience was so appallingly awful that I had to share it. I’ve posted to them on Twitter and posted on their Facebook page but have gotten no response from anyone there. I was hoping someone would see it and get in touch, but they either don’t have an employee monitoring their social network sites or they just don’t care. Either way, the ball’s in their court. I hope they’ll make contact and make it right but I’m not hopeful.

EDIT TO ADD: I feel like I should explain further what I would have expected from them, based on my experience in customer service. I don’t think they should honor the online price if they’ll lose money on the deal…that would be appreciated, but it’s not expected. At the very least, an offer of comparable (in price or in quality) options would have been appreciated before cancelling the order. That way, our money would not have been left in limbo. Even better, a discount of some sort…a percentage off, free shipping, or some other concession that would make it worth our while to buy tires there and, more importantly to a business owner, save the sale and foster goodwill with the customer. But I guess they either don’t care or the owner simply has no idea what’s going on. Either way, I am less than impressed.

 
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Posted in Reviews

 

God is SUCH a show-off!

20 Feb

Yesterday was an emotional roller coaster. Thrilled to receive my acceptance letter, panic at realizing just how much money I needed and how quickly, doubt about God’s plan for me, fear at moving forward…I don’t think I let myself even truly savor the awesomeness of the fact that I GOT INTO NURSING SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ahem. OK, calming down a little bit now.

Seriously, though, this is what I’ve been working my tail off for! All of those tests and papers and stress got me here, finally. THIS.IS.HUGE.

OK, calming down again. It’s been a big day here!

As I mentioned in yesterday’s post I was super worried about the cost of the bloodwork and shots that I would need. I was going to have to get titers drawn to prove immunity to some things, get re-vaccinated for others, have a physical. I expected all of that to cost big bucks. Unless…unless my mom could find my shot records. Since it has been a good 30 years since I had a childhood vaccination and there are other complicating factors (like my mom’s chronic illness which can cause her to be a little scattered and disorganized and several moves) I didn’t think that would ever happen. I can’t even lay my hands on my children’s shot records and they’re much younger than I am.

But guess what? She has them. All of them. And that long list of bloodwork (measles, mumps, rubella, and varicella titers) and shots (the entire series for diptheria, tetanus, and pertussis, [aka DTP) plus an extra booster [tdap] to equal 4 different shots at least a month apart and the hepatitis B series) now comes down to 3 things: varicella (chickenpox) titers to prove that I’ve had the disease since they didn’t offer the vax for that when I was a kid, the tdap booster, and the hep B series. That’s it. The cost for this is a fraction of what I was going to have to pay. I may be able to get it all done, including physical, for less than $100. I was expecting $500, if not more, for all of it! This.is.amazing.

And once again, I just needed to remember that God will give me what I need to get through this. Such a simple thing, but so, so hard to do. And I’m reminded that I’m following His call. That He is in control and will make this happen if I will place my trust in Him. It amazes me how things can look and feel so bleak one day and then the next day it works itself out beautifully. Seriously, He is a big show-off.

Thank you Lord for your many blessings. And thank you for reassuring me that I’m following your will. I don’t know why this path has been chosen for me, but I’m doing my best and I hope I honor you as I walk it. Most of all, help me to remember who is really in control here!

 
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Posted in Back to School, Faith/Religion, Me Stuff

 
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